Song in my head
by Tabitha craft
Summary: Unsung Heart from Clarke's POV. The original is from Lexa's POV and this would be better if you read it first. Lexa is in love with Clarke, her best friend, who's straight, or thinks she is, or might not be..she isn't sure, because Lexa makes her feel things. A companion story to Unsung Heart and includes new scenes and some requested scenes from Clarke's view point.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

Clarke needed to pee. Badly. In fact she was so entirely certain that she was about to wet herself that she slid down the wall and sat, thighs clenched tightly together, outside of the bathroom at the party she'd been dragged to. Lincoln's apartment was great, the party wasn't bad, she even liked Nyko who she'd come with - he'd asked after she'd mentioned her best friends were out of town - but she really didn't _like_ him, like him. And he clearly didn't like her that way either given that he had spent the past hour flirting with another girl. She sighed and decided that whoever was in Lincoln's bathroom must be dead because they'd been in there for so long they couldn't possibly still be living. She would soon be dead too - because she was going to die of embarrassment when she finally wet herself.

'Hey. Have you been waiting long?' The girls melodic voice made her jump, which made her bladder contract painfully and a small whimper escape.

'Agh, yes. I don't know what's going on in there - puking I think, but what I do know is there is going to be a big old puddle on the floor soon,' she whimpered again and the girl laughed. Clarke looked up at her properly. She was tall with pretty brown hair, wavy and full, a face sculpted from stardust and stunning eyes - green she was sure. She decided it was entirely unfair for one person to have so many wildly attractive features, and a pretty voice to boot.

'I live next door, like literally next door - you want to use my bathroom?'

'Oh my god, yes please,' Clarke slid up the wall, so desperate to pee she wanted to hold herself between her legs, but she wasn't five years old any more and thus resisted. 'Now, _please_.'

'Sure, this way,' the girl led her out of Lincoln's apartment where the party was being held, laughing softly at Clarke's struggle. True to her word she opened the door to the apartment next door. Clarke followed her in, but didn't waste time looking around, just darted into the doorway the girl gestured to, slammed the door and released an ungodly groan as she finally got to pee.

She looked around the bathroom. It was bright with tons of cacti decorating the windowsill in terracotta pots, which she absolutely loved - she had a real thing for cacti herself though she never managed to keep them alive. The bathroom was clean - bonus points to the girl for that. It was pristine really - with a bright green, fluffy hand towel, a grey bath mat and simple, white shower curtain along the bath. She wiped, flushed and washed her hands, sniffing at the delicious cocoa butter hand soap and then headed out into the apartment. Without the desperation to pee she took it in better, and ended up staring wide eyed. It was, in a word, her ideal apartment. Comic art lined the walls in frames, excellent artwork that was all tastefully presented. The artwork featured predominantly female characters, some of which she recognized and some she didn't. Clarke loved each and every one - she certainly favoured the female characters in comic books too. Her eyes scanned the apartment further. There was not one but three guitars in the living area - an acoustic, an electric and one other - electric, she figured, or perhaps some kind of hybrid. _Who needed three guitars_? The furniture was comfy looking, with throws and cushions in deep pinks, blues and greens. The floor was a warm wooden oak floor with a couple of neutral rugs. The dining table was pretty - large and clear of junk (unlike her own), with a tasteful eclectic selection chairs around it. The couch and comfy chairs surrounded a low stylish coffee table with a pile of notebooks and comics on it. Everything managed to be artsy without being too stylized and the whole place was pretty and clean. It was fresh and funky, but still cozy and inviting. With a small smile at the dark haired girl who was watching her, she headed to the coffee table to eye up the comics that were on it with interest. She picked up one and sat on the couch. It was extremely comfortable and she let out a small moan of relief to be off her feet. The whole apartment was peaceful and so blissfully empty after the crowd of next door - she definitely wanted to stay.

'Have you been to the comic book store on Seventh and Bleak street?' she asked without preamble, swivelling on the couch to meet green eyes.

'There's a comic store there?' the girl asked with a frown, 'I thought I knew all the best places.'

'Well you don't know the best comic store in Boston! Clearly,' Clarke teased. 'We have to go, I'll take you! You'll absolutely love it,' her eyes flicked back to the comic, then to the girl who was staring at her with wide eyes, before she looked around the apartment again.

'Three guitars? You need three guitars?' she asked with a smile before turning back to look at the beautiful brunette,

'I play a lot of guitar,' the girl laughed and sat beside her, staring at her quizzically, as if she were some complex puzzle. Maybe it was strange that she was making herself at home but Clarke _felt_ at home.

'All at the same time, huh?'

'I'm emvery/em talented,' she said with a smirk and a nod of her head. Clarke laughed,

'I'm Clarke.'

'Lexa,' she held out her hand and Clarke took it. Even the girls damn hands were smooth and cool. Clarke was pleased she'd washed her clammy ones.

'Your apartment is my life goal,' she stated bluntly.

'It is?' Lexa sounded pleased.

'Yeah. I'm so jealous! How do you have such an awesome place?'

'Well…'

'What do you do?' Clarke kicked off her shoes and curled up on the couch, crossing her legs like a little kid. 'Actually let me guess…'

'Ok,' Lexa was clearly fighting back a grin, and Clarke smiled in response,

'Hmmm…not a student. I'm a student and this place is soo much nicer than mine.'

'Correct, not a student,' Lexa crossed her legs, her position a mirror of Clarke's.

'Clearly a comic book nerd…' Clarke gave a pointed look around the apartment and loved the flush of red on Lexa's cheeks.

'Hey,' Lexa looked at her with faux offence and it was cute.

'I'm a comic book nerd too, it's all good,' Clarke reassured.

'You are?'

'Hell yeah - I know about the secret comic book store - I may even be a bigger nerd than you! I _even_ write comics and do the art work for them.'

'Wow! Are you an art student?' Lexa asked, voice filled with awe and Clarke shook her head,

'Guess again.'

'Architecture?'

'Nope.'

'Law?' Lexa arched a perfect brow and Clarke grinned,

'Medical school.'

'A medical student who draws and writes comics and is beautiful to boot - you're fictitious right?'

'I never said my comics were good,' Clarke teased with a giggle.

'Are they?'

'They're awesome!' she stated and Lexa smiled,

'So basically you're perfect?' she asked and Clarke found herself flushing with pleasure.

'How's that then?'

'Gorgeous, clever and talented. Let me guess, you're a real bitch?'

'Total fucking bitch,' Clarke agreed with a nod of her head.

'Ah, of course.'

'Uh…comic book store owner, not worker?' she guessed.

'No, but good guess,' Lexa was biting back a smile.

Clarke wracked her brains for a well paying job for a guitar playing comic book nerd, 'hmmm…accountant?' It would figure that this quirky, beautiful girl would be something really boring.

'No,' Lexa laughed out loud. 'If I have a weakness it's numbers.'

'Hmm, I give up!'

'I'm a musician.'

'A musician?' Clarke's eyes bugged. That was unexpected, and kind of hot, which was weird, but hell she could admit that.

'Yeah. Lincoln and I are in a band together - Trikru.'

'Trikru?' she squinted trying to think if she'd heard of them. 'Never heard of you.'

'We're not bad,' Lexa chuckled.

'Clearly you do ok,' Clarke gestured to the apartment.

'We do. Our first album sold _a lot_.'

'Play me a song. Please. One I might know?'

'You don't want to get back to the party and your date?' Lexa arched a perfect eyebrow again.

'My date is interested in someone else and talking to you is more fun than the party.'

'You sure? I mean maybe I'm slightly unhinged?' Lexa joked.

'Are you?' Clarke asked, brow furrowing.

'Very,' Lexa deadpanned and Clarke broke into a spontaneous grin,

'Yeah? Me too!'

'Fine, we'll stay here and be unhinged together.'

'Perfect,' Clarke felt much happier in this fresh, fun space with the girl next to her than she had all night. 'But I really, really want you to play for me?'

'Later,' Lexa said and Clarke watched her flush, apparently shy - that was entirely adorable.

'Ok later. Unless that's rock star talk for never?'

'I'll play for you Clarke,' Lexa said and Clarke decided she loved the way this tall, sultry girl said her name.

'Yeah you will,' she nodded confidently watching the girl shift awkwardly. She was clearly uncertain how to behave and Clarke loved that, feeling fairly certain that this girl was her new best friend. 'So you're a talented musician, a comic book nerd and beautiful…I'm guessing you're fictitious too?' she winked and watched Lexa flush.

'I'm very awkward…socially, so most definitely real.'

'It's your lucky day Lexa - I don't notice social awkwardness at all, and I like you. So no stressing. I don't care.'

'Yeah?'

'Besides which I find you pretty funny,' Clarke shrugged and then grinned - Lexa was both pretty and funny. Criminally pretty.

'Ok, then. You can stay.'

'I wasn't planning to leave,' Clarke chuckled. 'Not till I've had my song, read this comic here,' she waved the comic in her hand, 'and seen in the new year with you!'

'Good to know,' Lexa smiled brightly and it was so stunning that Clarke stared at it for a moment, before blinking,

'So where are you from Lexa?'

'New York. You?'

'Just outside Boston. I was born in DC, but grew up around here.'

'I'm going to guess you're at Harvard?' Lexa leaned forward a little, and Clarke found herself leaning close,

'Why do you think that?' she wrinkled her nose.

'You seem very smart,' Lexa answered before flushing again. Clarke couldn't stop the smile that spread across her face at the blush - Lexa must feel really awkward. Clarke didn't like that she felt embarrassed, but that blush was super cute.

'Don't forget - unhinged…'

'Well anyone at Harvard medical school would need a small part of themselves to be unhinged.'

'You speak the truth,' Clarke nodded. 'I'm not unhinged by the way.'

'Me either.'

'Not that there's anything wrong with it, I'm just disgustingly well adjusted.'

'I'm mostly well adjusted,' Lexa answered and Clarke stared at her wondering what drove the honesty, intrigued really.

'Good to know,' she smiled. 'Please play for me?'

'I don't know,' Lexa looked down shyly and Clarke laughed,

'You released an album that did well - don't you perform in front of large audiences?'

'Well yeah, but this is more…personal,' she attempted to explain.

'Where have you performed - biggest venue?'

'Wembley stadium,' Lexa admitted and Clarke found another wide smile on her face, her cheeks aching,

'So your band really is quite big? Or were you the warm up band?'

'We headlined,' Lexa admitted and Clarke jumped up from the couch and walked to the guitars.

'Which one?'

'The one with the stickers,' Lexa answered and Clarke stared at the " _Voldemort votes Republican_ " sticker and giggled.

'Ok, I love this guitar,' she angled it and read, " _Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup_." 'Lexa, you didn't tell me you're a comic book nerd _and_ a total dork.'

'Haha, shut up and hand it over,' Lexa rolled her eyes and Clarke rubbed her cheeks which were aching from smiling. 'What shall I play?'

'One of yours, one I might know.'

'Sure,' Lexa coughed slightly and put a foot up on the edge of the coffee table before she started strumming. And that was it - Clarke was transfixed on the sight of skilled hands moving across strings and her voice - her voice was beyond amazing,mit was mesmerizing! The song sounded kind of familiar, but Clarke was focussed entirely on Lexa, on her hands, her face as she sang, her beautiful voice, everything about her. When the song was over Lexa looked down shyly.

'Wow. You're amazing!' Clarke stared at her, still captivated.

'Sure.'

'Seriously amazing. Look, let's swap numbers - I don't want it to get late and forget, ok?' Clarke _had_ to be friends with this girl.

'Sure,' Lexa reached into her pocket for her phone and Clarke smiled. _Again_.

'Now let's talk about this,' she waved the comic in Lexa's face and they sunk into nerdiness for several hours, missing the New Years entirely. Clarke had such a good time she fell asleep on Lexa's couch and when they awoke the next morning she insisted they went for breakfast. Lexa was definitely her new best friend.


	2. Chapter 2

_Ok, here's a second little insight into Clarke's head._

 _This scene takes place about ten days after Clarke first met Lexa. Clarke is telling Raven and Octavia all about her new friend. Hope you enjoy:)_

 **Chapter Two**

'So how was the party?' Raven curled up on Clarke's couch, Octavia taking the seat beside her, leaving Clarke to drop into her favourite arm chair. Recently back from their outback trip to Austrailia they were over at her place to catch up.

'And did you and Nyko hook up?' Octavia grinned and Raven laughed,

'Yeah, forget the party - did you and Nyko hook up?'

'No,' Clarke shook her head and then smiled when she thought about her new friend - Lexa. Such a pretty name. She loved to say it, even to see it written in text on her phone.

'Ooh, the smile says different,' Octavia waggled her eyebrows and looked at Raven who nodded,

'It does indeed.'

'Shut up, it does not say different because I didn't hook up,' Clarke felt her cheeks flush.

'But you met someone, right?' Raven eyed her knowingly.

'Well yes, but not like that. I met this girl Lexa. I really needed to pee and someone was apparently dying in Lincoln's bathroom - that's the guy who's party it was. Anyway, Lexa lives next door and she said I could use hers. I was desperate and so I said yes. Turns out she's really, really nice. I ended up spending the rest of the night with her,' Clarke smiled and gave a little shrug.

'Really?' The insinuation was heavy in Octavia's voice and Clarke felt her blush deepen,

'Shut up, not like that. She's just this really amazing girl. I mean you have no idea how cool she is. A total dork,' she laughed softly, 'but amazing.'

'Why don't you tell us all about her?' Raven requested with an evil grin.

'Shut up, it's not like that,' Clarke knew her friends were teasing her but her skin felt like it was getting hotter and hotter. Ok, so maybe she had a girl crush - it wouldn't be her first, and probably wouldn't be her last. Lexa was just totally adorable and utterly addictive and that was ok. It didn't mean what Octavia and Raven were saying it did. It just meant she had a new friend and they had a lot of fun together.

'She must be really pretty Rae,' Octavia said sagely and Raven grinned, as they both looked at Clarke who huffed,

'She is really pretty but it's not about that. Don't be annoying.'

'She's pretty, huh?' Octavia asked and Clarke smiled because it didn't sound as loaded as the previous insinuation heavy comments. A little eagerly she pulled out her phone and showed the other two a bunch of pictures.

'Wow, she is hot,' Raven whistled.

'Her eyes are actually green. I mean really green, not just hazel,' Clarke stared at the photo, only looking up when her friends snickered. They schooled their expressions to neutral at once.

'Seen much of this Lexa in the last ten days then?' Octavia asked, tone as neutral as her face.

'I know you guys are making fun of me but I don't care. Yes, I've seen a lot of her - we have so much in common well about some things,' she laughed a little, 'and then about other things nothing in common at all. We have a lot of fun together though. I mean she's a total comic book nerd so we hit up my favourite store, then hers, then all the others in Boston. We've bought tickets to comic con in New York as well. She's obsessed with sushi and has been trying to convince me to eat it, but I managed to turn her onto Thai, so it's all good,' Clarke was staring at her photo as she spoke, unaware of her friends faces.

'What does she do?' Raven asked.

'She's a musician,' Clarke said and then rolled her eyes because that sounded too inadequate, 'actually a rock star.'

'A rock star?' Raven laughed out loud at that. 'Unlikely.'

'No seriously, she and Lincoln are in this band Trikru…'

'Trikru?' Octavia interrupted, jaw dropping. 'She's Lexa Woods from Trikru?'

'Yes,' Clarke crowed triumphantly, feeling vindicated after Raven's mean laughter a few moments earlier. Lexa was most definitely a rock star if Octavia knew the band. 'They're the most amazing band.'

'Hello,' Octavia chastised with wide eyes, 'that's what I've been saying for ages only you two would never listen to them. They are without a doubt the best band around at the moment.'

'Now that's a bold statement,' Raven shook her head. 'I didn't see no Trikru at the Grammys.'

'Oh they will be one day,' Octavia said and Clarke smiled at her fondly.

'Lexa, she writes the music and oh my god is it good. She's so fucking talented,' Clarke scrolled through her phone and thrust it at Raven and Octavia who grabbed it, watching as Lexa strummed at her guitar and sang a song, her beautiful voice silencing them. Clarke smiled because she knew exactly the moment when Lexa caught her eye as she filmed and made a face at her. 'It's the hottest thing in the world when she plays.'

'Hottest?' Octavia asked, both her and Raven looking at Clarke over the phone as they scrolled through more pictures and videos of Lexa.

'You gonna claim different?' Clarke asked pointedly.

'No,' Raven conceded and Octavia nodded too. 'Very hot Clarke.'

'Very hot Lexa is texting you right now,' Octavia stated, before looking up at Clarke with a frown, 'What's a Grounder?'

'Oh, give me,' Clarke snatched her phone.

'What's a grounder Clarke?' Raven crossed her arms and waited expectantly.

Clarke wasn't listening but staring at Lexa's text.

 **Lexa** \- Maybe the Grounders could have old school weapons? And maybe they need an enemy who uses guns to fight?

 **Clarke** \- Yes! Brilliant! How awesome would the art work be of all these sword wielding people in cloaks and leather and what not?

 **Lexa** \- You'll have to really think about the outfits, especially of your protagonists.

 **Clarke** \- I still can't decide between Indra and Gustus?

 **Lexa** \- The woman every time. Indra is fierce.

 **Clarke** \- I love Indra, but I feel like I need more - she's good but not perfect. Maybe I haven't found my protagonist yet?

 **Lexa** \- Maybe :p So work on scene setting and back story?

 **Clarke** \- Will you help?

 **Lexa** \- Of course. Maybe sketch out ideas for characters. That would be so much fun.

 **Clarke** \- You want to come over tomorrow. Hang out?

 **Lexa** \- Sure. I can come after the gym? Or later?

 **Clarke** \- As soon as you can. We can do comic stuff in the morning, then go for lunch?

 **Lexa** \- Sounds good.

 **Clarke** \- What about a bar in the evening?

 **Lexa** \- Ok, yeah, that'll be fun!

 **Clarke** \- Copper Tank? Maybe I'll bring my friends and you can bring yours?

 **Lexa** \- You having fun catching up?

 **Clarke** \- Loads. Miss you though!

 **Lexa** \- Yeah, we've been spending a lot of time together:)

 **Clarke** \- Not too much right?

 **Lexa** \- Never!

 **Clarke** \- Good. Phew. I think on of my friends will really like Lincoln.

 **Lexa** \- Then I shall text Lincoln and make sure he can make it.

 **Clarke** \- Perfect xxx

 **Lexa** \- Have fun tonight xxx

'Clarke, dude - we're right here? Meant to be catching up?' Raven waited expectantly.

'What's a Grounder Clarke?' Octavia narrowed her eyes.

'I came up with this new idea for a comic and Lexa has been working on it with me. I mean she mostly plays music while I draw, but I totally trust her when it comes to characters and what not. She's really good at running dialogue with me and is great at helping me add back story.'

'A "grounder," Clarke?' Raven rolled her eyes.

'Before I forget, Lexa and I are going for drinks at Copper Tank tomorrow and you two are coming and so are her friends.'

'The friends are meeting,' Raven clutched a hand to her chest dramatically.

'Oh my god, stop ok. She's my friend.'

'Your very best friend,' Octavia smirked.

'Fine - I won't introduce you to Lincoln the drummer from Trikru who is just your type,' Clarke gave Octavia a haughty look.

'Copper Tank sounds great,' Octavia smiled widely before mouthing at Raven, 'he's hot.'

'You know you still haven't told us what the fuck a grounder is?' Raven pointed out.


	3. Chapter 3

_Here we have a little insight into the evening Lexa told Clarke she was gay. Clarke is not smooth, not at all._

 _A small bar somewhere in Boston..._

 _Here's chapter 3 - when Clarke learns Lexa is a lesbian when they're out one night - it's a couple of weeks after they met._ **  
**

 **Chapter Three**

Clarke couldn't stop laughing because Lexa was being a total goof about everything, clearly a little drunk already and in a very silly mood. They were in a small booth in some bar near Lexa's place. It was all dark, with music that was loud enough to hear, but not so loud it killed conversation. Clarke liked the chilled, intimate atmosphere and the cocktails. Clarke had insisted they get cocktails and Lexa was more than happy to go along with the plan. Clarke stared at Lexa - pouty lips around a straw as she sucked on her Pina Colada. Clarke had demanded they drink Pina Coladas - mainly because she had the Pina Colada song in her head. Lexa didn't seem to sure about the taste because every time she took a sip her brow pursed a little which made Clarke smile. Not for the first time she marvelled at Lexa's beauty - dark hair all wavy, tank showing off an incredibly sexy arm tattoo, eyeliner emphazing her green eyes and just soo pretty. Clarke didn't know if she wanted to be Lexa or just be near to her.

'You don't have to drink it if you don't like it,' she tapped Lexa's fingers where they were gripping the glass, her finger fizzing slightly at the contact with Lexa's. Clarke ignored that.

'Oh I've drunk it,' she pushed the glass away and smiled. 'But I'm ordering the next round.'

'As long as you can come up with a reason for your choice, then ok,' Clarke smirked.

'A reason?' Lexa smiled - it was a beautiful smile and it never failed to bring a matching smile to Clarke's face. 'What sort of reason do we need to have this time?'

'You like my games Lexa, don't pretend otherwise.'

'Yes, only drinking drinks served on fire was fun,' Lexa nodded, 'though I preferred the only pink drinks night.'

'Well tonight we must order only drinks from songs. Hence our pina coladas!'

'You chose it because you can't stop singing the damn song, right?' Lexa giggled.

'Exactly. I'm hoping by drinking the damn drink I can stop trying to Escape…'

'It took me a while to work out what song you were actually singing, you know?' Lexa teased and Clarke eyed her warily before whacking her arm softly,

'Haha, don't make fun of my singing, we can't all be rock stars,' and she poked out her tongue cheekily.

'Your singing voice is very sexy,' Lexa leaned a little closer and Clarke found herself staring into green eyes. Who the hell had actual green eyes? And a pretty voice? And a perfectly constructed face?

'Because it's all deep and raspy?' Clarke had heard it before and managed to sound slightly condescending.

'Nah, because you get all the words wrong and that's adorable,' Lexa announced and sat back.

'I don't get the words wrong,' Clarke protested indignantly.

'If you like making love at midnight with a dude in a cape;…' Lexa sang and Clarke nodded,

'It's a superhero reference, right?'

'No, the line is actually "in the dunes of the cape" - sex in the sand dunes.'

'Oh,' Clarke frowned and Lexa grinned at her. 'Isn't that a little gritty?'

'If you're not careful, yeah.'

'Have you ever?' Clarke waggled her eyebrows leaning forward, as ever desperate to hear what Lexa would say. She was quite honestly always somewhat amazed that Lexa was single.

'Yes,' Lexa said and Clarke watched the blush trail across her cheekbones, entranced for a moment. 'Have you?'

'No,' she shook her head, breaking her trance. 'Was it gritty?'

'Hmm, no…it was fine. We had a blanket and well…no…all good,' Lexa mumbled and Clarke loved how embarrassed she was - it made her want to know more.

'Tell me about your ex-boyfriends,' she stated and then shook her head, 'actually tell me about your last ex-boyfriend,' she smiled and took a sip of her drink, feeling slightly awful for prying when Lexa's face fell. She looked, for want of a better word - stunned, like she was fighting off the urge to cry or something. She somehow managed to pull it all together, taking a deep breath and schooling her expression. Her teeth sinking into her bottom lip as she stared at Clarke was the only thing that betrayed her emotions. Clarke also didn't think she'd ever seen Lexa's eyes quite so wide.

She instantly assumed the worst, 'Oh my god, was it a terrible breakup? I'm sorry,' she rushed to say feeling terrible for prying. She was so insanely comfortable with Lexa and it felt like they'd known each other for ages, but the girl was a new friend and she worried she may have crossed the line with her question.

'No, no it wasn't,' Lexa managed a small wry smile. 'My ex girlfriend and I are actually still friends,' she squinted a little, clearly unsure of the reaction she'd get from her friend. Clarke felt mortification rip through her and slapped her hands over her face, fairly convinced she was as red as a tomato or something much, much redder. She was utterly embarrassed, her stomach twisting uncomfortably and she ignored the weird thrill she felt in relation to the revelation, shoving it firmly aside. She knew that this was probably not the best reaction but was too surprised to pay heed to that knowledge.

'Oh my god you're gay! God I'm such a dumbass,' she trilled into her hands. Why hadn't Lexa told her? She felt her stomach flip as it occurred to her that Lexa might have thought they were dating. But no, she'd never made a move. Lexa had been strictly platonic. Clarke wondered why she'd never made a move? Probably because Clarke was straight. That had to be why. Clarke felt the vibe between them and fine, she was crushing pretty hard, but she was straight, and therefore Lexa was clearly only into friendship and so was she. 'Fuck Lexa, you could have told me,' she mumbled, still humiliated.

'I just did,' Lexa chuckled softly.

'You don't look gay at all,' she dropped her hands and stared at Lexa - beautiful Lexa, Lexa who had ex-girlfriends, and touched boobs. Lexa who had sex with girls and dated them.

'No Clarke, no,' Lexa shook her head and Clarke instantly realized that there were about a millions things wrong with what she had just said and threw her hands back over her face, her skin even redder she was sure,

'God I didn't mean that. I'm saying everything wrong, shit. I know. You just didn't say anything?' Why hadn't Lexa said anything? Clarke knew it wouldn't have made any difference when they first met and it wouldn't now, but she wished she'd known.

'Well I didn't hide it either,' Lexa shrugged and Clarke considered that. No maybe not. There was the rainbow flag on her guitar and that sticker she'd never entirely understood that said "I'm just saying…if it wasn't meant to be eaten it wouldn't be shaped like a taco" the meaning dawning on Clarke in an instant and only compounding her embarrassment. She rubbed her face and willed away her pink cheeks, and her ridiculously inappropriate thoughts of Lexa having sex with faceless women. She had so many questions - what type of girl was even Lexa's type? It felt like she might be flirting with the inappropriate again if she went asked if Lexa liked butch girls or what?

'Ok, God, let me stop being an idiot,' she heaved in a breath and tried to calm down. 'Tell me about your last ex girlfriend.'

Lexa eyed her uncertainly, as if checking her for disgust or horror, neither of which Clarke felt - she was just embarrassed at her own reaction - the shock and in all honesty the thrill that went through her at the revelation - the latter emotion both weird and confusing. It was not that it was the first time she'd felt attraction to a girl, and Lexa was an extremely attractive girl - she just couldn't imagine actually doing anything with her - that was kind of gross, so why would she feel that thrill? Not that sex with girls was gross to Lexa apparently. Clarke shook her head as the thrill went through her again - it was all off topic because they were friends and nothing more. Lexa was gay and she hadn't made a move. Clarke was straight. Friends.

'You sure? You're looking kinda shaky there…' Lexa gave her such a Lexa smile that Clarke laughed a little,

'I'm sure. But first order us another drink by song title and then I want to hear all about…' she waited expectantly.

'Costia,' Lexa replied lips pursed in amusement that was undoubtedly due was sure Clarke's flustered aura at that moment. Costia. Clarke rolled the name around in her head and tried to picture a girl that went with a name like that. Her brow furrowed. She was sure Costia had been just lovely but her name was a little irritating. And she couldn't have been all thatgreat if she was Lexa's ex. Clarke was shaken from her thoughts when the waitress arrived.

'More drinks girls?'

Clarke looked to Lexa expectantly, watching the girl give an evil little grin,

'Two beers please, Stella if you have it.'

'Sure,' the waitress nodded.

'Beers Lexa?' Clarke scoffed - beer was such a cop out - dozens of songs had beer in the title.

'From the Toby Keith song, "I like girls that drink beer,"' Lexa was clearly trying to hide her smile and Clarke couldn't help but laugh, because Lexa was an adorable, smart, dork. The song she'd chosen just after coming out to her friend had the words "I like girls" in the title. She was a genius. She'd even ordered fucking Stella. 'It's not my kinda song at all…very country, very straight, but it works,' and then she winked and Clarke's heart thundered, especially when Lexa began to sing in a sexy southern drawl, 'I need a little down home lovin', And a girl ain't gonna get it up here, Hey, I'll find what I want in a honky tonk, I like girls that drink beer…' She finished and made the silliest expression with her face and Clarke started to giggle,

'You're just the greatest girl,' she told her with utter sincerity and enthusiasm, taking her hand and squeezing it.

'I thought it worked well with the conversation we just had,' Lexa blushed at the compliment, squeezing Clarke's hand before letting go. Clarke wondered if she let go to make it clear they were platonic. Which obviously they were, but Lexa didn't need to make that clear.

'Nicely done,' Clarke pulled out her phone and snapped a photo of Lexa looking all shy but pleased, cheeks wonderfully pink. 'Now tell me the tale of the ex-girlfriend.'


	4. Chapter 4

_Remember Clarke mentions that the last time she slept with Bellamy was Lexa's Leap Year gig. Remember Octavia telling Lexa that Clarke was all Lexa, Lexa, lexa - her abs, her ass. This is a one shot of getting ready for the gig and Clarke at that leap year gig._

 _Thanks for supporting this guys:) For the first twelve chapters I'll post once a day and then it may become a little more spread out. Thanks again! I love that you take the time:)_

 **Chapter Four**

'So how does a rock star choose what to wear for performances?' Clarke asked from amid the flounce of Lexa's soft, fluffy pillows. She was exhausted after doing a lab that had lasted too many hours. Then she'd had assignments, forgotten to research something in the library, remembered only upon getting home that she had no milk and so she'd text Lexa begging to be collected before the gig that night. Now she was blissfully cocooned in the fluffiness of Lexa's pillows and duvets as her friend was burrowing in her closet.

'Some people have stylists,' Lexa shot her a look, all waggling eyebrows and pouty lips. Clarke rolled onto her side, resting her elbow on the mattress, and her chin in her hand so she could better see Lexa.

'Not you, huh?'

'Are you suggesting I need one?' Lexa gave her the best condescending look and Clarke grinned,

'Nah, you're all dark and broody - it's sexy as hell and you know it.'

'It's winter - of course I'm dark and broody,' Lexa, predictably, ignored the sexy part of her compliment and focussed on the other part.

'Ah come on. I bet you're not wearing pretty sun dresses in summer,' Clarke's eyes flicked over Lexa almost against her will. Lexa would look fabulous in a sundress. Lexa looked fabulous in everything. Clarke's eyes bulged as Lexa peeled off her shirt, so she was standing in front of her in dark skinny jeans and a sports bra. Apparently Lexa looked fabulous in hardly anything. She was all smooth skin and abs that made Clarke's mouth water. Fuck, but she must have a thing for abs, because she couldn't tear her eyes from Lexa's, and she wanted to run her tongue across them.

'Well no,' Lexa rolled her eyes and Clarke had no idea what she was talking about. In her head she was kneeling before her, tongue tracking over each defined ridge on her stomach. She shook her head wondering what was happening to her brain these days.

'No?' she croaked and Lexa grinned at her,

'I don't wear sundresses,' she poked out her tongue and Clarke sunk back into the mattress at the sudden, unexpected jolt of desire that had pulsed through her.

'So what does the summer Lexa wear?' she asked staring at the ceiling and trying not to think about Lexa's mouth when it pouted, or her body's insanely strong response to her friend.

'Shorts, tanks, a pretty top here or there. My main point was my summer clothes are not all black.'

'No?' Clarke turned back to look at her and wished she hadn't because Lexa was now in dark skinny jeans, biker boots and some ridiculously sexy top Clarke hadn't seen her wear before. 'Woah, you look fucking hot,' she burst out.

'Thanking ye kindly,' Lexa gave a silly curtsy and stood in front of her mirror pulling out her makeup. 'The trick with makeup is to go over board. Too much eye shadow, too much eyeliner and too much mascara. My lips have to be super dark or the lights wash me out.'

'Mmmm,' Clarke wondered if her own ass looked like that in jeans. She tilted her head to the side. Her own butt wasn't bad, but Lexa's was quite spectacular. Clarke wondered if it was because she was taller. Her hips were narrower than her own, but still shapely.

'What do you think?' Lexa turned to her and Clarke began to laugh because she had one eye dark and smouldering with heavy, yet perfect eyeliner, thick mascara and just a touch of glitter.

'You ever thought about doing a Bowie?'

'No,' Lexa giggled, 'though maybe if the others would do it too.' Clarke stared at Lexa as she continued to apply her makeup, wittering on about various rock legends as she did so. Clarke wasn't paying as much attention as she should have been because a character was forming. She could almost see her but not quite. She was most definitely Lexa. Dark hair all fierce and braided, clear green grey eyes, far too big and pretty. Covered in black war paint. She'd have to have the best clothes because she was going to be the boss. The Commander. Gay as all hell and ruler of earth. Clarke smiled to herself.

'You look like you're thinking about sex,' Lexa stated bluntly and Clarke felt her cheeks heat up.

'Fuck off,' she threw a pillow at Lexa who caught it easily and threw it back.

'You're all shiny eyed, pink cheeked and you have this little pout,' Lexa teased. 'You get it when you're drunk and Bellamy is coming on to you.'

'That hasn't happened in ages,' Clarke flopped back on the bed.

'No?' Lexa asked dismissively and Clarke wondered whether Lexa slept with girls. She mentally chastised herself because obviously Lexa slept with girls. Or had. Clarke wondered whether Lexa had a person she went to, like Bellamy was to her, someone who kissed her, and touched her and would make her come.

'Do you have a fuck buddy Lexa?' she asked without thinking, opening her eyes, to the sight of a red blush creeping up Lexa's perfect cheeks. The contrast of the bashful blush with the sexy eye makeup made Clarke feel a little giddy.

'A fuck buddy? You mean like Bellamy? Right?' Lexa clarified, her words all rushed which Clarke knew meant she was nervous,

'Yeah. Someone to make you feel good when you don't want to do it alone? Someone whose skin feels good against yours?'

'Uh… no. I don't,' she answered before tipping her head forward and scooping her waves into some funky bun type thing.

'So when you get horny?'

'I have a hand Clarke,' she rolled her eyes and Clarke felt herself flushing because she was lazy and tended to use Bellamy. Maybe she wouldn't do that anymore. But then sometimes it was just nice to be close to someone. She stared at Lexa and the image came into her head of Lexa in the bed she was currently lazing on, hand between her thighs, head thrown back as she pushed her fingers inside of herself. Clarke shook her head, and blinked at how hot she suddenly felt,

'What about if you're lonely?' she asked, her voice ridiculously deep and Lexa gave her a sweet smile,

'Well I have you,' she stated and Clarke felt her heart beat harder, because Lexa looked so vulnerable and sincere all at the same time. Clarke watched her falter after a second, uncertainty coming to play as she blushed, 'and Lincoln, Anya and Indra. I mean…sex is important but it's always better with someone you really want. Do you really want Bellamy?'

'When I'm drunk, yeah,' Clarke admitted and Lexa gave a small nod before looking away. Clarke found her eyes drift over Lexa again, lingering at her behind. She wondered a little absently, whether it was as toned as it looked.

'We're all different. If that's what you need, there's nothing wrong with taking it,' Lexa's words startled her and she jumped a little.

'No,' she agreed, eyes zeroing in on the way Lexa's nipples were visible against the sheer material of her top. She swallowed and decided she must be extremely horny, because she was lusting after her best friend something rotten and she wasn't even gay, though maybe there might be more to her girl crushes, because the thought of throwing Lexa down on her bed was extremely appealing. She huffed a little and tried to move her mind onto something different, 'I love that you're doing a Leap Year gig,' she said and Lexa grinned at her,

'Every four years,' she held out a hand to Clarke, who took it, ignoring the way Lexa's fingers felt wrapped around hers as she was pulled to her feet. She gave herself a mental slap and followed her friend through to the living room where Lexa stood in front of her guitars, apparently deliberating.

'Which one?' she laughed.

'These two,' Lexa pointed to the electric and her old acoustic one.

'Any reason?'

'I always play this old one at every gig. It's a tradition. A superstition. The gig will go well if I play it.'

'Have you ever not played it?' Clarke asked with a grin, sitting down on the couch as Lexa pulled out her guitar cases and began packing her guitars into them.

'Once,' Lexa's eyes shone. 'I had it backstage, luckily, but I wasn't planning to use it.'

'What happened? Why was it lucky you had it?' Clarke stared at her, feeling a slight buzz just beneath her skin as she watched her move around. Lexa turned and smiled,

'Major city wide black out. Can cause huge problems when you have a gig. That was the only gig I hadn't planned to play that guitar at. Luckily it was there because it saved us. We did the whole set acoustically and it was fucking awesome.'

'I bet it was amazing.'

'You tube it,' Lexa smiled and Clarke flushed. The truth was she already had. She was fairly certain she'd read every article and watched every video of Lexa. Not that she was obsessed - she just really liked Lexa. She'd never had such an instantaneous friendship and it just felt really right, and she just loved to know stuff about her. Some stuff she'd had to put out of her head because Lexa hadn't told her it in person. Like the hard upbringing alluded to in magazines, with talk of parental abandonment. Clarke swallowed back the lump in her throat as she tried to equate her smiling, bright eyed friend with that kind of trauma.

'Lex,' she patted the sofa beside her and Lexa sat down. Without thinking she curled into her side and rested her head on her shoulder, sniffing her subconsciously. Lexa smelt ridiculously good the whole time. She wondered if after the show there might be a whiff of BO or if Lexa would still smell as incredible.

'You're sniffing again,' Lexa poked her arm softly, and Clarke felt a warm heat in her belly.

'You smell nice,' she understated.

'So you say,' Lexa rested her head on Clarke's for a second, but then pulled away slightly.

'Even if I use your shower gel and deodorant, I never smell as good as you.'

'I've told you once and I'll tell you again - it's all natural,' Lexa patronized and so Clarke tickled her, fingers squeezing her toned stomach as Lexa wailed her protest through giggles. Then all at once Lexa's hands were gripping her wrists and her best friend was hovering over her and Clarke felt her whole body ripple with need. Her eyes widened as she stared up at Lexa balancing over her, before she pulled back awkwardly and sat down. Clarke took a second to try and still the rapid pounding of her heart. It was pointless because it pounded on and she was undeniably aroused. And most definitely by Lexa.

She was saved from further introspection by Lincoln's arrival.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

'Fuck,' Clarke muttered under her breath even though she wouldn't be overheard given the noise the crowd was making. Her eyes were glued to the stage where Lexa was singing and playing, the only person visible to Clarke at that moment because in that moment she was everything. Clarke felt Lexa consume her. It felt like an endless wave of longing for her and Clarke didn't know what to make of it. Lexa was amazing. She was kind and sweet, talented and funny, an amazing mix of self-deprecation and confidence. Off stage Clarke was pretty damn sure Lexa was her soul mate because never had she had a friendship like theirs. On stage Lexa was something else entirely. The sound of her voice, the tilt of her chin, her arms as she played, her entire presence on that stage. Slightly socially awkward Lexa, was the fucking commander of the stage. She owned it and the audience, and at that moment she owned Clarke. She couldn't take her eyes off of her, every move made her body buzz, and every time she sang, Clarke's breath caught. What the actual fuck was happening to her?

She couldn't even clap as everyone else bellowed for another encore.

'You ok?' Bellamy put a warm hand on her back. Clarke swallowed because she wasn't sure she was, but then pulled a fake smile to her face and turned, winding her arms around Bellamy's neck and tugging him down for a kiss. 'Gonna be that kinda night, huh?' he asked with a low chuckle. Clarke fought the urge to turn around and stare at Lexa. She fought the urge to pull out her her phone and beg Lexa to sneak her backstage. She fought against the impulse to kiss Lexa because that wasn't fair, because Lexa was gay and she was…she was just attracted to her, wildly. Her body pulsed at the thought. She was sexually attracted to her. Clarke closed her eyes for a moment. She wasn't gay. She was into guys. The feelings she'd had for girls were just crushes. It wasn't right to lust after a girl because she was momentarily attracted. Fucking Bellamy always relaxed her. Maybe fucking him would get her over her horniness and in the morning Lexa would just be Lexa. She ignored the inner voice that wondered if Lexa had ever just been Lexa. Clarke answered Bellamy with a lingering kiss she definitely wasn't into. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.


	5. Chapter 5

_Thanks for being so great about these - I love the wonderful comments! A lot are original scenes but some are scenes people requested._

 _As always, I **love** knowing what you think!_

 _Ok, so every week Clarke watches the Walking Dead with Raven and Octavia. Ever since Clarke met Lexa, Lexa was always there too and when she isn't, Clarke misses her._

 **Chapter Five**

 **Clarke** \- You suck

 **Lexa** \- I do indeed and very well I might add.

 **Clarke** \- Lexa:( I mean you're not here to watch the Walking Dead and I miss you.

 **Lexa** \- I miss you too:( But I have to practice.

 **Clarke** \- You never practice on Walking Dead night and aren't you like the head of your band? Who made this stupid decision?

 **Lexa** \- *points at herself and looks around awkwardly*

 **Clarke** \- You mean you did this! Oh my god, I'm disowning you.

 **Lexa** \- Fine, but who's gonna save your ass during the zombie apocalypse?

 **Clarke** \- I'll save my own ass thank you very much. I am rather fierce.

 **Lexa** \- Well ok…sure…leather jacket, motorbike and gun, I can see it.

 **Clarke** \- Yeah, while you wonder around flailing at the zombies with a baseball bat…

 **Lexa** \- I would not "flail" Griffin. I swear to god, I'm not a girl who "flails."

 **Clarke** \- Really? Are we still talking about attacking zombies?

 **Lexa** \- Haha, you know what I mean.

 **Clarke** \- Do I?

 **Lexa** \- Clarke I'm sorry I'm not there. I can come over when practice is over but it'll be late and I know you're at school early?

 **Clarke** \- Do it, do it, do it. We can watch the episode together before bed.

 **Lexa** \- You'll have just watched the episode you goof.

 **Clarke** \- Yeah, but then we can update our zombie apocalypse survival plan.

 **Lexa** \- You realize what huge dorks it makes us to have a survival plan, right?

 **Clarke** \- You mean what a huge dork it makes you? It was your idea and there ain't no denying that.

 **Lexa** \- I argue vehemently that it was *our* idea. You must be confused.

Clarke grinned widely.

 **Clarke** \- Oh yeah, I don't remember you turning to me with bright shiny eyes, gripping my shoulders and saying "Clarke, we have to make a plan, like a proper survival plan so we are the survivors."

 **Lexa** \- You're absolutely right. You *don't* remember that.

 **Clarke** \- Hey, no need to be shy. My wild support of the plan was just as enthusiastic as your suggestion.

 **Lexa** \- Now that I remember.

Clarke bit her lip and stared at her phone, sighing. She wasn't ever really sure why she was sighing, just that she really wished Lexa were there. Raven and Octavia side eyed her, but she ignored them.

 **Clarke** \- Please come over when you're done.

 **Lexa** \- Of course.

 **Lexa** \- I mean what if the Zombie apocalypse starts tonight and we're not completely ready?

 **Clarke** \- That would be bad. Really bad.

 **Lexa** \- Indeed it would. Are you sure?

 **Clarke** \- Yes. Don't make me beg.

 **Lexa** \- If I say no, you'll beg? Ooh, the possibilities.

 **Clarke** \- Lexa, come over. Please. Please!

 **Lexa** \- Wow Clarke. Getting you to beg was easy!

Clarke felt her cheeks flush, and her smile grew.

 **Clarke** \- Whatever. Come, don't come…I'm not fussed.

 **Lexa** \- Wow, and I always imagined you'd be all about the coming….

 **Clarke** \- Oh my god Lexa! Your mind is depraved!

 **Lexa** \- Of course;) You make it too easy.

 **Clarke** \- I'm a fucking stupendous lover.

 **Clarke** \- FYI

 **Lexa** \- I'm sure.

 **Clarke** \- And I didn't miss the fact that you've imagined what kinda lover I am;)

Clarke gripped her phone close to her chest and awaited Lexa's response.

 **Lexa** \- Haha, ok…glad to hear I didn't get it wrong.

Clarke bit her lip because Lexa didn't deny it.

 **Clarke** \- You didn't. And are you coming or not?

 **Lexa** \- This conversation has been fun and all but I take a little more work than that to come…

Clarke laughed out loud.

 **Clarke** \- Are you coming over to mine after practice dumbass?

 **Lexa** \- Yes. I am:)

 **Clarke** \- Good. I miss you.

 **Lexa** \- I miss you too.

Clarke held her phone close to her chest smiling, before the smile fell from her face and she sighed yet again and tried to refocus on the Walking Dead. Her motivation was poor however and she huffed a little.

'What the fuck is the matter with you?' Raven grumbled from beside Octavia. It was tradition that Clarke watch the Walking Dead with Raven and Octavia, and since meeting Lexa, Lexa too. They tried to watch it live and together, at Clarke's place usually. As the one with the earliest starts she'd argued that they had to watch at hers so that when everyone else went home she could simply drop into bed and thus function the next day.

'Rae's right princess. You've been grouchy all night,' Octavia said as Raven leaned around her to stare at Clarke.

'I'm not grouchy,' she growled, grouchily, hating herself for not hiding her emotions better.

'I think someone is missing their bestie,' Raven rolled her eyes and Clarke glared at her.

'Wow, I think you're right,' Octavia began to laugh. 'Clarke's all pouty 'cause Lexa isn't here.'

Clarke felt her cheeks burn and tried to come up with some sort of opposition to the accusation but instead sat there gaping at her two friends staring at her.

'Oh my god, you are!' Raven crowed triumphantly. 'Pay up bitch,' she held out her hand to Octavia.

'That's just not…not true,' Clarke stammered, 'and why the hell does she have to pay you?'

'I'm paying her because Raven said you were arse over tits for Lexa and I said you were just crushing on her, but fuck…yeah…you're in way deep.'

'I'm not "in deep,"' Clarke huffed, denial coiling in her belly.

'At least she admits she's in,' Raven smirked.

'I didn't,' Clarke pulled a cushion and held it over her face, desperately trying to get a hold of her wayward thoughts. 'I just…I like hanging out with her…and she's pretty funny when we're watching the Walking Dead…'

'And you like to bury your face in her neck when you get scared,' Raven pointed out.

'She smells good,' Clarke defended, pressing her burning face deeper into the cushion. 'Fuck.'

'Fuck?' Octavia asked.

Clarke dropped the cushion and stared at them, eyes wide, 'she smells really, really, really good.'

'We know,' her friends stated in perfect unison. Clarke closed her eyes for a second,

'But I mean, really, really good.'

'Yeah?' Octavia was softer this time, less cocky. Raven was cocky personified, shit-eating grin all over her face.

'Fuck,' Clarke huffed back into the cushion, as Raven paused the television,

'Fuck, you're gay? Yeah we know,' she pulled the cushion from Clarke's red face.

'I am not gay,' Clarke tried to pull the cushion back from Raven and they ended up fighting for it over the top of Octavia.

'Stop,' Octavia slammed her hands onto the cushion and held it on her lap. 'Look Clarke, she makes you happy.'

'Of course she does, she's my friend,' Clarke protested, sinking back into her couch.

'We're your friends,' Octavia pointed out. 'We've been your friends for a long time. And yet we're not friends like she's your friend.'

'We just get on really well….like you know, a meeting of minds or whatever,' Clarke tried to explain.

'Yes,' Raven agreed, 'you're crazy quick and sparky in your conversation and you talk to her about stuff because she's just so easy to talk to, and all that. We're not going to deny it's a meeting of minds, but…'

'But?' Clarke leaned forward to look at Raven who had paused.

'You're both flirty as all hell and the chemistry is insane. I mean holy crap Clarke, you're gushy and starry eyed, and fixated on her. It's funny. It's cute. And it's fucking gay as hell.'

'Fuck off Rae,' Clarke growled, feeling Octavia put a hand on her forearm,

'Look Clarke, it's just…why are you worried? You have a crush. A big crush. That's ok. I've had them before. You've had them before. You think she's gorgeous. I mean, you stare at her and go on about it all the time, so I figure even you've recognized that. Maybe…maybe there's just a little more to this friendship than you're…'

'But there isn't. Because I'm straight, right?'

'Clarke there's a whole spectrum of sexuality out there, as you know,' Raven stood up and moved around to sit on the other side of Clarke. 'Just because you like guys, doesn't mean you can't like girls too.'

'I know,' Clarke huffed, 'but come on…sex with a girl? I mean Lexa is fucking hot but I'm not sure I could…with her bits and yeah,' she flushed bright red, struggling to explain.

'You couldn't touch her boobs? Which I quote, "are perfect and hot?"' Octavia's brow furrowed.

'Ok, fine, yes…I like boobs. And yeah…sometimes there is this…chemistry between us.'

'You mean all the time,' Raven interjected.

'I just don't think I could have sex with a girl, you know?' she looked up at them.

'I'm sorry Clarke, but you're so into her it's painful,' Raven shook her head.

'What Raven means is…maybe you could try? Because we may have noticed the chemistry, the flirtation and the fact that you're always staring at her.'

'I don't know,' Clarke looked down, 'I mean, fuck…sometimes I can't stop looking at her, and god I like to be close which I know we decided is Lexa and not the heavenly smell, but maybe we just…you know like each other? I mean, I could be confused just because she's gorgeous and gay and like my personality soulmate?'

'Your soulmate?' Octavia's jaw dropped and Clarke watched her gape.

'Well duh,' Raven rolled her eyes at them both.

'And anyway, she's not interested in me that way,' Clarke shrugged, offended when both of her friends began to laugh. In fact laugh was not a term for the hyperventilating guffawing of Raven.

'You're an idiot,' Raven huffed in air and Clarke stared at her, lip curled in a slight snarl,

'Look, she doesn't ok?'

'What Raven is trying to say is that she does have a certain way of looking at you that would indicate she might have feelings for you,' Octavia stated carefully.

'And what way is that?' Clarke crossed her arms over her chest, a surge of protectiveness for Lexa making her feisty.

'We call them heart eyes. All longing and full of love.'

'Of course she loves me, I'm her best friend,' Clarke snarked.

'Yeah…that's not it,' Octavia explained as a Raven continued to gasp. 'It's more like her world starts and ends with you…'

'Yeah?' Clarke couldn't deny the increased rate of her heart, nor the swirl of anticipation in her stomach. She couldn't even deny the throb of desire between her legs. She might not be brave enough to do anything with it, but she could acknowledge it. In fact it wouldn't be ignored. Then her brow furrowed,

'She's not friends with me for that reason,' it was a statement not a question because she knew Lexa wasn't. They were in a mutual infatuation friendship. An infatuation that only ever grew stronger and better the longer they knew each other.

'No, no, of course not. Like Rae said, it's a meeting of minds. But why not see if there's something? I mean, I'll back up the notion that she's your soulmate. You spent the last couple of years sleeping with my brother on and off and there's nothing there compared to you and Lexa. I mean I know you like him, but honestly, you see Lexa and you light up.'

'And she does the same,' Raven shrugged.

'I just don't think she'd want something,' Clarke attempted, her mind too full for her to function properly.

'Yeah, she would,' Raven interrupted.

'But I'm not sure I would,' Clarke began. 'I can't experiment on her. I mean…' Clarke trailed off, trying to find words to explain how she'd always crushed on girls, just not as epically as she was crushing on Lexa. But that she couldn't be gay or bi because she couldn't imagine sex, because the thought of vagina's kind of grossed her out.

'I think when you feel like this, it's not experimenting,' Octavia attempted.

'I can't hurt her,' Clarke grabbed the cushion from Octavia's lap and hugged it tight. 'I don't want to hurt her. If she does have feelings…which I don't think she does…'

'Clarke seriously, she's gay as fuck, stares at you, adores you and you really think she doesn't have feelings? You're straight and you've got feelings so strong you're a mess and fucking missing the Walking Dead because you can't focus without her here,' Raven was blunt as always.

'I can't just work out my confusion with her.'

'But…'

'No I can't. I don't even like vagina's. They smell and are kind of gross,' Clarke attempted to vocalize.

'Personally I like mine,' Raven shrugged. 'And she doesn't smell.'

'You know what I mean,' Clarke rolled her eyes.

'Why don't you talk to her about how you're feeling? I mean, surely your gay best friends is the perfect person to talk to about this stuff? We know she loves vagina,' Raven laughed but Clarke didn't feel like laughing. She could be lighthearted about some stuff, but this was about who she was and the confusion was killing her. Her favourite thing in the world was to be with Lexa, and now being with Lexa was filled with this unbearable tension of wanting. A wanting she didn't understand or know how to process, or even what to do with it. It was so easy for both Raven and Octavia to squash her friendship with Lexa into a box labeled attraction or even love, but it wasn't just that.

'Aaaargh,' she growled in frustration and both Octavia and Raven laughed, much to her chagrin. 'It's not funny. Lexa is…she's really, really important to me. Fucking up what we have is not what I want to do.'

'It might not fuck it up though,' Raven sobered appropriately. 'I will say that Lexa - she's one hundred percent committed to this friendship and she would never put a foot over that line. Ever. Except if you wanted it.'

'But I'm not sure I want it? I mean I've had crushes on girls before but they were just crushes. Right?' she stared at them, hoping they would untangle the mess in her head.

'We can't answer. I mean…maybe you're bisexual. Are your feelings for Lexa sexual?' Octavia asked and stared at her. Clarke's mind filled with Lexa, those abs of hers, and her smile, the way she looked in pyjama shorts and a tank and her body lurched pleasantly, especially when she thought about pressing her face into the nape of Lexa's neck.

'No,' she responded and both of her friends eyes widened with scepticism. 'Yes, fine ok…but that doesn't make me bisexual.'

'Lexa is one of the hottest girls I've ever seen, but she doesn't turn me on,' Octavia informed her gently and it irritated Clarke,

'Look maybe I think she's gorgeous and there's chemistry between us, but thinking about kissing her and actually kissing her are two different things. So I find girls attractive, sure I do, and maybe I have crushes, but this…it's different, and fuck…I can't imagine sleeping with her. The two of us in bed together maybe…but when I think of sex, I think of a penis.'

'Maybe because you always have,' Raven offered up and Clarke glared at her,

'What's that mean?'

'Just that. Maybe you think of a penis because you've only ever had sex with guys, only ever considered sex with guys. Dismissed your attraction for girls as "crushes." Maybe penis is the logical thought pattern because society shoves it down your throat. Maybe you think you need a guy sexually because it's nearly all heterosexual couples getting the happy ever after in films and on tv. Maybe you've just never allowed yourself to think about vagina's in a different way.'

'This conversation feels so weird using such medical terms,' Octavia wrinkled her nose.

'A penis is still a cock and a vagina is still a pussy,' Clarke channeled her inner Lexa for that one. 'Terms don't matter.'

'Says the doctor. Doesn't it feel all medical?' Raven asked.

'Whatever,' Clarke needed help and digressing provided none.

'Look Clarke, Rae has a point. Maybe open yourself up to the possibility that you're not quite as straight as you've always believed. You and Lexa…there's clearly something there. She's your friend. She's strictly your friend but she would be more, definitely. There's just no way she's not attracted to someone she thinks is gorgeous, funny, clever, talented and her best friend in all the world,' Octavia shrugged and Clarke sank back into the couch. The truth was she thought Lexa was the gorgeous one, the funny one, clever, talented and her best friend in all the world, and she was attracted to her. That wasn't the issue.

'What do I do with the attraction?' she voiced, 'my attraction? how do I work out what it means?'

'Talk to your best friend.'

'I'm talking to my best friends,' Clarke pointed out.

'Yeah, we mean that girl you met six months ago. The one you talk about all the time, the one you lie curled up into when we watch tv, the one you're always with, the one who smells amazing, the one you're kinda obsessed with. The best friend that's gay as fuck and probably might offer a few more practical solutions to your confusion,' Raven pointed out.

'I can't do that to her!' Clarke protested.

'I think she'd be thrilled if you did that to her,' Raven cackled and Clarke gritted her teeth,

'Yeah, because having your best friend ignore all potential for hurt, stomp over the boundaries between you, never mind pretend like there's nothing wrong with asking to test out feelings…that's a great idea.'

'Woah Clarke, I get all that. I do,' Raven hushed her. 'But it's her you're attracted to. Why don't you just ask to kiss her.'

'Kiss her?' Clarke gaped at her. She couldn't see how that would help anything.

'Yes, you know as friends. Talk to her about your confusion and say you want to kiss a girl. Ask her. It can't be the first time someone's asked her.'

'That feels wrong.'

'She'll do it and maybe it'll clear things up for you. That would help, right? I mean what if…what if you kiss her and you realize that it is sexual attraction that you absolutely want to go somewhere? You two would be amazing together. There isn't anyone that's seen the two of you together that doesn't think that,' Octavia said carefully.

'I just…I don't know. It feels like an inappropriate ask.'

'Look, be honest and tell her you have a crush on her then. Why not? Or you want to play it safer than that? You wanna kiss me?' Raven asked. 'You want to stick your tongue in my mouth? I'd be fine with it,' she shrugged. Clarke stared at her friend who looked very serious. The truth was she didn't want to kiss Raven. Raven was gorgeous, absolutely no doubt about it and yeah, she'd stared at her a little longer than entirely appropriate at times, like when she bent over, but she didn't want to kiss her. She wanted to kiss Lexa. She really wanted to know, to clarify her confusion, to know who she was and that really could only ever be with Lexa because it was tied up with her. She thought back to that moment when she'd been staring into Lexa's eyes, assessing their colour or even dancing with her. The urge had been overwhelming.

'No I don't want to kiss you,' she admitted.

'Because you love Lexa,' Raven stated with no small amount of glee. 'And she's in love with you.'

'Of course I love Lexa,' Clarke rolled her eyes, dismissing the second part of what Raven said,

'I think it's the kind of love we're debating,' Octavia assessed. 'Right?'

'I don't know,' Clarke covered her face.

'Look, baby steps Clarke. If the situation presents itself just ask her. What's the harm?' Octavia asked and Raven nodded her agreement.


	6. Chapter 6

_So this is just small mini scene I added as it was requested by: amc815_

 _I hope you like it:)_

 _And apparently I'll take requests:)_

 _Lexa arrives at Clarke's after practice. This follows on directly from the last POV where Clarke and her friends watched the Walking Dead and talked about Clarke's friendship with Lexa. Clarke begged Lexa to come over after band practice and Lexa does..._

 _Thanks guys for the support:) It's short and sweet because it was an add on to the last chapter._ _  
_

 **Chapter Six**

Clarke had just spat out her toothpaste when there was a knock at the door, soft and cautious. Her heart skipped a beat as she quickly rinsed the toothpaste from her mouth and sped to the door. Opening it up she felt a bright smile light up her face, eyes dragging eagerly over Lexa, who was wearing jean shorts and black tank, arm tattoos exposed on her tan, toned biceps, everything about her quite simply gorgeous. There was a throb between her legs which she ignored as she threw her arms around her friend,

'Lexa,' she pressed her face into her lovely, warm neck, adoring the feel of her strong arms winding around her and squeezing her, the pads of Lexa's fingers running over the top of her arm. Her pads were a little hard from playing guitar, but they felt amazing against the skin of her shoulder. She sighed heavily into Lexa's neck.

'What's up? Why the sigh?' Lexa's soft voice was soothing, despite a slight rasp from the last few hours of singing.

'I'm just pleased to see you,' she stepped back and shrugged her shoulders. Lexa eyed her, looking kind of worried. 'How are you?'

'Me? I'm fine,' Lexa took her hand and led her through and to the couch, sitting her down and staring at her. 'I'm just worried about you. What's happened? You look…sad?'

'I'm ok, really,' Clarke gave a smile she knew was lacklustre at best.

'I can go if you're tired?' Lexa offered looking a little uncertain, her face insecure. Clarke knew that Lexa didn't take their friendship for granted - not ever. That if Lexa felt that it was her fault Clarke was sad she'd be devastated. That Lexa may worry it was her fault regardless of anything Clarke said to ease the situation, because despite her sometimes confident persona, despite her successes, Lexa struggled at times with how she saw herself.

'No, no, don't,' she rushed, 'please stay,' the last thing she wanted was Lexa to leave. She had to get a grip of herself. Her conversation with Raven and Octavia was too fresh in her mind, too confusing. Her eyes fell to Lexa's lips. It was quite ridiculous how sexy they were, that bottom lip was so plump, so soft looking and she was filled with the urge to suck it into her mouth. Fuck.

'Are you sure?' Lexa's voice sounded funny, even more raspy than it had - sexy, and Clarke found she couldn't raise her eyes up to Lexa's and so she dropped them, instead finding her friends bare thighs, tanned and toned and looking soft and utterly inviting. She sucked in a breath,

'I'm ok,' she reached across and took Lexa's hand - nothing odd in that, she did it all the time - Lexa knew she was tactile. She heard Lexa breath in and out loudly a couple of times and because everything felt odd and tense she curled up beside her, and pressed herself close. 'So we need to talk about cross-bows,' she said, reaching for the remote and flicking on the tv, ignoring her shaking hand.

'Clarke, you know I'm here for you, right?' Lexa turned, tucking her chin in to stare down at her. It would be so easy for Clarke to shift, tilt her head up and press their lips together. She couldn't even begin to imagine what Lexa would do if she were to make such a move. Raven was right…the moment had to be right and she would have to open up to Lexa about her crush first. It would only ever hurt Lexa if she wasn't honest, if she wasn't brave.

'I know,' she blinked. 'I'm just tired, and I missed you. Now you're here and I just wanna sit with you and watch. Ok?'

'Ok,' Lexa tightened the arm she'd put around Clarke's shoulder. 'So what's the problem with cross bows? I thought we agreed that for surviving the zombie apocalypse we like cross bows.'

'Arrows,' Clarke smirked up at her.

'I thought you were going to come up with a new cross bow issue. That's an old complaint.'

'Yeah but we didn't remedy the issue. How are we fixing it? Where will we get arrows?'

'I didn't tell you?' Lexa grinned, green eyes bright.

'No,' Clarke stared at them.

'Well I'd have my pen knife, right? I'm good with my pen knife,' Lexa stated and Clarke giggled,

'Says the girl who's never gone camping,' she looked up at her, feeling more relaxed.

'Well my aim in having a penknife was to intimidate with it not camp with it,' Lexa waggled her brows and Clarke's heart clenched at the thought of Lexa in that group home. Her hand trailed out of Lexa's and her fingers smoothed over her wrist instead, stroking soft skin and a small tattoo she had there, one ironically enough, of an arrow.

'Intimidate, huh?' Now her voice was raspy. She looked at Lexa who swallowed,

'Yes,' she gave a small nod, 'I couldn't have kept a penknife unless I was using it for artistic purposes, I mean they knew I'm sure, but I was kind of sassy and argumentative.'

'Artistic purposes?'

'I used to whittle sticks,' Lexa raised her chin defiantly, head on a slight tilt and Clarke couldn't help but laugh, her laughter full to the brim with affection. Lexa was honestly the cutest person in the world.

'Please, please, please say the word whittle again? Oh my god, seriously…' Clarke giggled, loving the indignant expression on Lexa's face but finding it almost impossible to equate rock star Lexa with whittling sticks.

'No,' her tone brokered no room for argument.

'Lexa, please?' Clarke fluttered her lashes and saw Lexa instantly weaken. Maybe there was an attraction part to Lexa's feelings for her, she conceded, her stomach swooping and erupting with butterflies at the thought.

'Whittle. I whittled sticks. I could whittle arrows. I'm the whittle queen,' Lexa deadpanned.

'Oh my god, stop…' Clarke got the giggles at once, laughing so hard she was gasping for air. 'Stop. You have to stop,' she stared at her friend who poked out her tongue and said defiantly,

'Whittle.'


	7. Chapter 7

**_The first time Clarke sees Lexa on her motorbike and rides with her._**

 _This is six months into their friendship and Clarke hasn't seen Lexa on her motorbike. Why? Because Lexa doesn't ride in winter and she's been obsessing with Clarke, so she hasn't been going away. She has used the bike, mainly for errands when Clarke has been busy. Now Clarke has asked if Lexa will take her to get some medical notes from her mom's work._

 _This is the day of their first kiss (chapter 2)._

 _This scene was suggested by RagnarWolf on Fanfiction. Lots of thanks for the comments and kudos!_

 _And sorry they're short:)_

 **Clarke POV 6**

 **Clarke** \- Lexa, hurry up. I'm standing on a street corner waiting - it looks bad !

 **Lexa** \- You could have waited inside!

 **Clarke** \- But I want to see you arrive!

 **Lexa** \- It's just a bike Clarke - and why didn't you wait until I'd left?

 **Clarke** \- You said you were leaving!

 **Lexa** \- I said I was about to leave.

 **Clarke** \- Ten minutes ago! Does that mean you haven't left yet?

 **Lexa** \- Well…

 **Clarke** \- Lexa! What on earth are you doing?

 **Lexa** \- Gotta find my spare leather jacket for you. If I can't you can wear mine

Clarke got a instant strong image in her head of what Lexa would look like in essentially skin tight leathers. Without thinking to hard on it, she text her friend back,

 **Clarke** \- Holy fuck! You're wearing a leather jacket?

 **Lexa** \- Holy fuck yes!

 **Clarke** \- Leather jackets are so hot!

She didn't specify that she meant a leather jacket on Lexa would be so hot.

 **Lexa** \- They're sensible.

 **Clarke** \- Stop trying to be all, "Ms Sensible Biker Chick" when we all know the jacket is badass!

 **Lexa** \- Well you're going to be badass too!

 **Clarke** \- Lexa I'm always badass

Clarke smirked to herself. It was always so fun texting Lexa and being utterly silly.

 **Lexa** \- Yes you are!

 **Clarke** \- Don't say it like that - I really am!

 **Lexa** \- Yes you are!

 **Clarke** \- Lexa I am!

 **Lexa** \- Yes you are!

 **Clarke** \- I really am. And don't say "yes you are!"

 **Lexa** \- You are!

 **Clarke** \- Fuck off!

 **Lexa** \- Clarke, I think you're extremely badass. Better?

 **Clarke** \- Don't just say it to pander to me. Say it because you think it's true!

 **Lexa** \- I think that you're my favourite person in the world. I think you like to paint my toenails and snuggle under a duvet and watch Buffy. I know you're badass about your medical studies. Badass defensive of your friends…a badass nail painter, an extremely badass artist, but badass in general? I don't know…

 **Clarke** \- That is four badasses! Four! How many does a girl need to be considered badass?

 **Lexa** \- Listen…if you want me to say it and mean it I'd really have to see said ass. How else can I really comment? And let's be brutally honesty here for a second Clarke - your face is beautiful, your boobs are amazing, the rest of you is lovely…I just find it really hard to believe your ass is that bad. Maybe it's only "nice," even just "ok"…but bad? I just don't buy it. I'm actually fairly sure it's a lovely ass.

 **Clarke** \- Haha - so droll:-/

 **Lexa** \- :-) Look, I'm leaving right now. We'll put you in leathers, put my bike between your thighs and then you'll be badass personified, ok?

Clarke sucked in a breath at the swooping sensation between her legs and the butterflies that erupted in her stomach at the message, and the subsequent images in her head.

 **Clarke** \- Yes! Hurry.

 **Clarke** \- I mean don't hurry. Be safe.

 **Clarke** \- Seriously Lexa, I've seen people after bike accidents.

 **Lexa** \- I'm a very careful driver.

 **Clarke** \- And you were trying to tell me you're badass!

 **Lexa** \- No, you were trying to tell me *you're* badass!

 **Clarke** \- Ugh, leave now!

 **Lexa** \- You're the one that keeps texting. I can't text and bike. That would be dumb!

 **Clarke** \- I'm texting because it's awkward standing here for so long alone. I'm pouting now Lexa and you know I don't like to pout!

 **Lexa** \- Don't pout! Just stop texting so I can leave!

 **Clarke** \- I am!

Clarke then sent an emoji with its tongue stuck out.

 **Lexa** \- Don't talk dirty to me Clarke or I'll never leave ;)

Clarke frowned in confusion and then flushed as she realized what Lexa meant, the accompanying image of wavy brown hair spread over her thighs, making her blush ever redder.

 **Clarke** \- Wow, you're sassy today! Leave!

 **Lexa** \- Ok ok, I'm on my bike. See you in 5 xxx

 **Clarke** \- xxx

Clarke smiled to herself, and held her phone against her chest for a moment, before she sent a text to Raven and Octavia telling them about the bike and leathers, another to Bellamy, then one to Monty and Jasper. Before she could see any replies she heard the roar of a motorbike and looked up to see it at the end of the street. It was a beast, not a cheesy bike, but a black old fashioned looking thing. Clarke knew nothing about bikes - what make, model (nothing but colour) and she really couldn't have predicted her reaction to Lexa, dressed in black leather pants and a tight leather jacket pulling up in front of her on the monster she apparently rode.

It's fine, it's fine. Just a crush. Just a crush, she told herself as she stared eyed wide at Lexa, as she kicked out the stand and pulled off her helmet, brown waves spilling softly around her shoulders. Clarke swallowed and clenched her thighs to try and relieve the pressure of the throbbing between them, because holy fuck she looked hot.

'What's a pretty girl like you doing on a corner like this?' Lexa crooned with a casual wink, swinging her leg over the bike in those sexy as sin leather pants. Clarke swallowed and stared for a second before gawping,

'Wow!' She muttered ineloquently under her breath, utterly unable to find actual words.

'She's beautiful huh?' Lexa grinned and looked back at her bike.

'You, not the damn bike,' Clarke stuttered, 'those leathers are…wow…'

'Yeah?' Lexa blushed wildly.

'I mean the bike, yeah…fuck…'

'So I uh…you uh….' Lexa stuttered as she turned back to the bike and rummaged in the bag on the back and pulled out a leather jacket, 'for you,' she held the jacket out to her, cheeks an adorable pink and when she didn't take it, she opened it out so Clarke could slip her arms into it. 'It should fit you.'

'Mmm,' Clarke was epically turned on and it was a problem. It was a real problem because she didn't know what to do with it. She just had to be bi to be so turned on by a girl - as in sexually turned on. As in really, really sexually turned on. So turned on she was wet and nervous and confused.

'Looks great,' Lexa said as she slid the jacket on to her shoulders, turning her gently and zipping it up. Clarke's heart pounded and for a moment they stared at each other. Clarke wanted to kiss her. She wanted to wrap her arms around Lexa's neck, tug her head down and smash their lips together. And Lexa's pupils were blown. They were absolutely fucking blown, so maybe…maybe Raven and Octavia were right. Fuck. Clarke sucked in a breath as she realized that the next time she was out with Lexa, she was going to have to get wasted, because the confusion mixed in with desire, mixed in with endless thoughts of her friend - it was literally killing her. And the need to kiss Lexa was becoming increasingly overwhelming.

'So uh…' Clarke gestured at the bike.

'Ready?' Lexa smiled gently.

'Yes. I think so. I trust you. And I thank you,' Clarke said honestly. Earlier in the day she'd rung Lexa from school begging for a ride to her mom's hospital an hour away. She desperately needed some papers of her moms, in order to write a paper for school. She wanted to write it that weekend and not waste the time then on travel. Lexa hadn't even hesitated before agreeing to take her.

'It's no problem. You know that. And I'll take it slow,' Lexa smiled, so relaxed and gorgeous that Clarke's heart beat even harder. 'Ok, I'm going to get on, hold the bike steady. You sit behind me. There's straps here to hold onto,' Lexa gestured, 'or you can hold onto me,' she said and Clarke saw a tinge of red in those beautiful cheeks.

'You,' she stated, positively flirtatiously, because fuck - Lexa in leather, on a bike, hot as hell and fuck. At her response Lexa fumbled with the helmet she was handing over and it made Clarke's belly swoop deliciously. Lexa, now obviously red, pulled on her helmet and jumped on the bike. Clarke pulled on the one she'd been handed. It was tight and a little claustrophobic.

'You ok?' Lexa's voice in her ear.

'We can talk?'

'Yes,' Lexa said. 'Hop on.'

'I'm glad we can talk,' she said as she climbed on behind Lexa uncertainly. The seat felt comfortable and it wasn't an unpleasant sitting position.

'Ok I'm going to start the engine. It's loud, ok?'

'Ok,' she watched Lexa stand and do whatever she was doing and then the bike roared to life. Clarke jumped and immediately wrapped her arms around Lexa's middle, clinging on tightly. The sound of Lexa's laughter echoed in her helmet,

'It's ok, you're safe.'

'Sure, sure,' Clarke squeezed tighter.

'Ok, you ready to go?'

'Yes,' Clarke was super aware of the feel of Lexa's thighs in front of hers, her back against her chest and so she took a couple of deep breaths. The engine rumbling between her legs felt…well it felt nice, especially with her arms wrapped tightly around her gorgeous, sexy best friend. 'It uh…' she began.

'It what?'

'It feels…you know…good. Is that why you ride Lexa?' she teased - not flirted, or so she told herself.

'Hmm, perks,' Lexa said and Clarke laughed because she'd expected a shy refuting of the claim.

'Fuck, it's going to make me horny,' Clarke said again.

'Noted,' Lexa's voice was calm.

'We're still catching that movie later, right?' she asked casually.

'Sure.'

'I really appreciate you taking me out to my moms work.'

'Will she be there?'

'No. My mom will be in surgery but she's left the notes I need out. I'll be quick I promise.'

'I don't mind if you're not quick,' Lexa said.

'Even if we miss the movie?'

'Meh. I don't care.'

'You're the best Lexa,' she said honestly, mind over planning - if they missed the movie, they could take the bike back to Lexa's and she could talk Lexa into getting drinks at a bar. Drinks at a bar could lead to tipsiness and tipsiness might give her the courage to tell Lexa that she was crushing on her hard. Fuck, but the thought of it made her stomach turn and the throbbing of her clit increase. She squirmed against the seat, the rumble of the engine doing nothing to help her. Lexa's proximity, their bodies tight together, the engine shaking the bike between her legs and her thoughts, her utterly depraved thoughts which were the opposite of platonic, were all making her an utter mess. Something had to give, change, shift. Clarke made a decision. She'd take too long at her moms work, they'd miss the movie and she would get drunk enough to say something about her feelings and her confusion. She felt another twisting sensation in her body but this time it was nerves. She squeezed a little tighter and rested her head against Lexa's back desperate for courage.


	8. Chapter 8

_The first kiss!_

 _This scene was suggested by jeune-eve Thanks for the help as always to the wonderful jaelle90_

 _It's the first scene I've done that was shown in entirety from Lexa's viewpoint in the main fic, so I found it tougher than normal. I hope it works for you guys! Love knowing what you think:) Thanks for being so supportive!_

 **Chapter Eight**

Clarke stared at the girl who was being really obvious about her attraction to Lexa. She was pretty - really pretty. Not as pretty as Lexa, of course - no one was. Now that she had decided she wanted to kiss Lexa, that she had to kiss her in order to make sense of her life again, the idea of anyone else near her made her feel sick, even if she did push Lexa in that direction. It felt awful pushing her friend to get laid, to allay suspicion, when she selfishly really didn't want that to happen.

'Clarke, she thinks you're into her,' Lexa's words made her flush and look away, 'Which is fine if you are, but don't lead girls on - we don't really like it,' she quipped the latter and Clarke realized she'd been given the opportunity she needed to open up a discussion about her sexuality. Her stomach dropped as a sudden bout of nerves swirled in her belly and she felt really hot.

'Sorry,' she slurped at her drink, ingesting the alcohol far too quickly, as she tried to muster up some courage to say what she had to say. Even as she tried to calm her breathing she stared at Lexa feeling desperate to be closer to her. She might not really understand what that meant for who she was as a person but she was definitely infatuated with her friend. The truth of the matter was that the girl on the nearby table was sexy and pretty and Clarke could easily imagine kissing her but Lexa was different - she wasn't just some girl. She was so much more because she was her best friend. Clarke was just desperate to kiss her, to be close, and not just because she was beautiful. She had a crush on Lexa, real and tangible and kinda overwhelming.

'What?' Lexa sounded a little confused probably because was staring at her without speaking.

'How did you know you were gay?' she burst out.

'Same way you knew you were straight I guess,' Lexa answered and Clarke frowned in frustration at the flippant response - great if you know for sure, but less great if you're not a 6 out of 6 on the Kinsey scale. Or a plain old 0.

'I used to think I was bi,' she admitted and saw Lexa focus on her entirely, looking a little skittish as she shifted in her seat, the look of surprise obvious.

'Yeah?' Lexa managed to feign low level interest, but her attention to the conversation was obvious. As she was playing it cool Clarke played along at being casual,

'Mmm. I had crushes on guys and girls, all the time. I still do,' she managed to make it sound oh so nonchalant, as if it weren't a big deal,

'But you don't think you're bi?' Lexa stared at her and Clarke was relieved to see something more in her eyes, a definite interest - Lexa couldn't quite hide the fact that she was invested in Clarke's response.

'I don't know. It's the sex bit. I mean I love boobs,' Clarke shrugged, 'I mean you have fucking gorgeous boobs,' she brought the issue to Lexa, because she fucking adored Lexa and really, this was all about her.

'Thanks,' Lexa muttered dryly looking kinda antsy.

'I just can't imagine going down on a girl,' she admitted, aware that she was pouting as she visualized the scene. Her between a girls legs. Her between Lexa's legs. She wasn't repulsed exactly but it was a vagina, and vaginas were just a bit gross, and she really just couldn't imagine doing what she thought would be expected to one. Vagina's were really a bit of a mystery to her which was stupid because she had one.

'Why?' Lexa frowned at her, 'I mean, it's really, really fun.' Lexa looked a little dreamy which intrigued her, and made a strange pang of longing fill her.

'So you weren't a bit…I don't know…grossed out by the thought?' She wrinkled her nose as she thought about vagina's in very general terms.

Then Lexa went on a genital tirade and it was awesome. Clarke stared at her as she talked about how genitals were kind of gross in general and ended up ranting about the bad press of the vagina in particular. If Clarke were to be entirely honest with herself, she fell a little in love with her at that moment and a whole lot in lust as her friend spoke vehemently,

'We're made to feel like our bits are gross. By boys, by men, magazines, media…all of it. We're made to feel that we stink, that we look funny. I mean, how many girls do you know who have a problem with the word vagina? I mean that's what it is, but we want to make all sorts of pretty ass names for it instead of saying, ok, it kinda looks like a vagina. We're told to preen and polish, to get rid of hair. We're told it smells like fish, or disgusting and you know…they leak and oh my god isn't it gross that a vagina is a vagina.'

'You may have a point,' Clarke couldn't help but giggle with delight as she stared at Lexa, who just summarized it all perfectly, 'vagina's get a lot of negative press.'

'A girl looks like a girl. She has a vagina and yeah it's a little weird looking, just like a guy who's a little weird looking. But fuck, when you fancy a girl, it's sexy. It smells…fucking gorgeous and tastes better, and when a girl comes apart because of you between her legs it's the hottest thing in the world,' Lexa was looking at her and Clarke felt her heart speed up. The way Lexa described it was in complete contrast to how she'd always thought about it - Lexa made it sound sexy,

'It doesn't smell bad? I mean this one guy told me it smelt…funky.'

'Fucking ass. No - it smells musky, and good - like sex,' Lexa took a long drink, and then Clarke watched her wink at the girl across the room, and it filled her with a burning jealousy that nearly toppled her. The idea of Lexa fucking that girl made Clarke feel enraged.

'And it tastes good?' she drew Lexa's attention back to her.

'Yeah,' Lexa looked at her and Clarke had to swallow because those green eyes were dark and heavy with emotion, her pupils blown.

'What about the first time? I mean how did you know what to do?' she tried not to seem too invested in Lexa's response.

'Instinct,' Lexa answered and Clarke huffed because that was wholly unhelpful,

'Lex give me a better answer than that. I mean with a guy and a girl, the first time he just sticks it in, moves in and out and hopes for the best. You go from there. How'd you know what to do?'

And then Lexa told her all about her first time with Echo, who Clarke couldn't decide if she hated or liked, or what, she just knew that she felt jealous of a girl who'd been closer with Lexa than she had. She felt jealous of Lexa being intimate with Echo in ways they hadn't. She also couldn't deny the beat between her legs as she thought about she and Lexa doing the things Lexa was describing with Echo. It sounded appealing, sexy even which was weird because she hadn't really thought of some of it at all until she heard Lexa describe it. She tried to move the conversation with Lexa forward,

'Well I just thought because I couldn't imagine sex, because I thought it might be, you know…gross, I've never gone there. I still get crushes on girls, I just figured they were a friend thing. Not sexual,' she attempted to explain, all the while knowing that there was a sexual element to her crush on Lexa because her best friend turned her on. It was true though. Without being able to imagine the sex she had just assumed it wasn't real or that it didn't mean anything, that they were crushes and she wasn't bi. Except now she wasn't so sure.

'What do you mean by a crush then? I don't get it,' Lexa leaned back in her seat.

'You know a crush. I want to see them, kind of obsessed but in a good way - with what they say, what they're interested in. I think they're gorgeous. I want to text them lots.'

'So basically like you are with friends?' Lexa laughed and Clarke saw her opportunity,

'I'm not like that with friends,' she said and picked up her drink, waiting for the implication to click with her friend.

'You're like that with me…' Lexa said and then flushed a delightful shade of pink.

'You keep blushing!' Clarke smiled, 'You're so cute. You know I have a crush on you!' She'd decided spontaneously to go for the "obviously you know I have a crush on you."

'On me?' Lexa looked utterly stunned - not the expression Clarke had been hoping for, but she swallowed back her nerves and kept going.

'Oh come on Lex, I'm totally obsessed with you!' She gave an easy, breezy laugh, even if she didn't really find it easy. 'Raven and O are constantly making fun of me,' that was at least honest.

'But you don't think you're bi?' Lexa gaped at her and it would have been funny if her heart wasn't pounding quite so hard.

'It's bisexual right? I can imagine sex with a guy, easily. And I have tried to imagine sex with one of my girl crushes, but you're so right…all the negative crap I've ever heard about girls bits…that was in my head. I mean I think about making out with them, but nothing more.'

'Right,' Lexa nodded, still gaping and looking completely dumbfounded.

'But maybe I've been too quick. I mean, maybe there is more to these crushes? They could be sexual right?' Clarke looked at her, feeling utterly optimistic because she really, really wanted something with Lexa she realized. Or to try for something, to see if there was more to her sexuality than hetero. No one made her feel like Lexa did. No one ever had. Lexa was staring at her, her mind clearly computing, and Clarke saw a flash of cautious optimism which spurned her on.

'Sure,' Lexa said after a beat with a sharp nod of her head.

'So we're friends, right?' Clarke couldn't drag her eyes from Lexa, even though she was feeling really nervous, because she had to push things forward. She was crushing on Lexa and Lexa had to be crushing on her and there was something between them - something she'd never felt with anyone else and if she didn't push it, wouldn't she regret it?

'Yes,' Lexa sounded flat and Clarke felt a surge of guilt because this was unfair, because Lexa had always been adamant about being friends, because this was a sucky thing to do and of course Lexa didn't know the true extent of her crush nor her confusion. And Clarke couldn't tell her, not when she might feel so much more than her friend. Not when everything felt so confusing.

'Well maybe we could kiss,' she smiled brightly, heart pounding in her chest so hard she felt lightheaded and somewhat nauseous.

'But we're friends,' Lexa answered bluntly, and Clarke's stomach turned over unpleasantly.

'I know,' she shrugged, 'But I think you're crazy beautiful,' she said it easily, because Lexa was without a doubt the most beautiful human Clarke had ever seen.

'Hmmm,' Lexa looked to be barely coherent.

'And I've thought about kissing you,' she admitted, the first step in owning who she was and what she was feeling.

'You have?' Lexa's voice sounded funny.

'God yeah. When I was staring into your eyes the other morning, it was like instinct or something. You're telling me you didn't feel it too? What with the way you licked your lips, well I guess I figured that's why you were a little weird and left.'

'I wasn't being weird,' Lexa defended, but the lie was sucked into the tense atmosphere.

'You were,' Clarke laughed a little acting like she was totally at ease, 'and I know…you're so proper about the friends thing, but I think you were thinking about kissing me too…'

'Clarke,' Lexa sounded a little angry.

'Oh come on Lex, who am I gonna experiment with if not my gay best friend? I mean, I'm way too old to find my own Echo,' she muttered blithely even though she felt bad for doing it and she felt anything but blithe.

'You never got experimental in high school? Never kissed a girl in a game of spin the bottle?' Lexa's voice was tight, tense and not at all like it normally was, but Clarke wanted to persist. She couldn't just kiss Lexa drunkenly without being sure, but she could kiss her if she asked, if she explained her confusion, owned up to her crush. But she'd have to push for it - a little at least - because Lexa held onto the platonic nature of their relationship like she was in the middle of the ocean and it was a life belt being dragged by a retreating boat.

'Well yeah, but she wasn't my type and had bad breath.'

'I have bad breath,' Lexa said and instead of laughing at the quip Clarke responded with honesty and seriousness,

'You don't.'

'Why not kiss the girl over…oh,' Lexa tried to gesture at the girl she'd been flirting with but sighed when she realized that girl was gone. 'Go to a gay bar Clarke.' Lexa sounded defeated, panicked and it made Clarke wince even as she persisted.

'Come on Lexa, I even have minty fresh breath,' she ran her tongue over her teeth and saw Lexa's eyes darken as they followed the gesture.

'It's not a good idea Clarke,' Lexa shook her head. 'Find a cute boy to eye up instead. Or call Bell.'

'Stop pushing me back in the closet,' Clarke pouted feeling frustrated, because something inside of her had changed and she didn't want to go back, even if she didn't know exactly what these feelings meant, 'I feel like I'm realizing something big here.'

'And I'm here for you Clarke, but seriously…not a good idea to experiment with me.'

'So you don't have a crush on me? Not even an itty, bitty little one?' Clarke decided to change track completely. She'd seen Lexa's eyes darken, she knew there was something between them, that it couldn't just be one sided and so she spoke flirtatiously, tried to force Lexa into admitting it - even if she was a bitch for doing so.

'Fuck,' Lexa sighed and Clarke waited.

'My friends say you're in love with me,' Clarke didn't even know why she would say such a thing, but she'd swayed closer to Lexa, she could feel the energy of this beautiful girl and she'd never wanted anything more in her life than to kiss her.

'Your friends are idiots,' Lexa muttered and Clarke felt her confidence drop for a moment. She didn't really think as she asked,

'Is that why you won't do it? I mean you're not in love with me, are you?' her voice was monotone, and in honesty she didn't know what she wanted Lexa to answer because everything was so confusing. She was a little in love with Lexa, or a lot, but it was as friends because she was straight - or had thought she was. There was no way Lexa wasn't a little in love with her, not with how they were, but maybe it was different because Lexa was a lesbian. Clarke felt more confused than ever.

'No,' Lexa croaked and Clarke wasn't sure she believed her, but chose to pretend she did,

'Then kiss me. I'm fun, I'm pretty and I've seen you staring at my boobs.'

'Clarke,' Lexa growled and a pulse of desire shot through Clarke, staring in her belly and loitering between her legs. She felt desperate,

'You make it sound sexy. God, maybe all these crushes on girls, maybe they're more than crushes? Maybe they are sexual. How will I ever know?' She stared at her.

'Clarke,' there was a definite weakening, Clarke could sense it.

'Stop saying my name Lex. I get that I might not be your type or whatever. So tell me what's your type? I don't have a clue because you never come onto anyone. Are you into the butch girls? Short hair? Long hair? Big? Small? Dark? What?'

'I don't have a type…'

'I'm cute Lex,' she repeated. 'It's just a kiss.'

'But we're best friends and fuck, I adore you. I don't want to fuck up what we have.'

'It's just a kiss Lexa,' Clarke repeated, even as a burn spread through her belly at Lexa's words.

'Fine,' Lexa looked mad and slightly distraught but Clarke ignored all that that because she was going to kiss her and Clarke needed that kiss,

'Really?' she checked with a cautious smile, but wanting to clarify that Lexa was actually agreeing.

'If you're sure that's what you want?' Lexa seemed really apprehensive, and Clarke shoved away her guilt.

'I'm sure,' she nodded tongue sneaking out to lick her lips. Lexa was staring at her, beautiful green eyes scanning over her face, staring right into her eyes before she raised a hand and slid cool, long fingers over her jaw. Clarke's heart stuttered at the contact, her breaths coming in shallow puffs, as Lexa's fingers dragged into her hair, the pressure against her scalp just amazing. Clarke stared wide eyed, her body desperate for the moment when Lexa's lips would touch hers, half terrified she'd pull back before that happened. And then Lexa pressed their lips together and Clarke had to swallow the moan that rose from deep within her, especially when Lexa's tongue found hers. As if fearing she'd gone too far, Lexa pulled back slightly but Clarke couldn't have that, and surged forward a little to pull that plump bottom lip into her mouth. It felt fucking amazing, Lexa was an extraordinary kisser and it was cliche but their mouths fit together perfectly. Clarke wondered if their bodies would fit together just as well and moaned a little as moisture soaked her underwear. She wrapped an arm around Lexa in order to tug her closer just as Lexa pulled back again and paused for a second as if checking what was happening was ok, but when Clarke stayed close, her hand smoothing over Lexa's shoulder, Lexa turned and kissed her with more force, the kiss deeper and more ardent - a whole lot fucking hotter. Lexa's hand was on her waist, burning through her clothes and when she pulled her closer, Clarke couldn't help the noise that escaped her - a noise of pure longing. She wanted Lexa. All of her. Legs, arms, hands, breasts, vagina, lips and fuck, that mouth! And for a second Lexa complied, the kiss so utterly perfect and skilled and wonderful that Clarke could have cried, but then Lexa was pulling back. Clarke kept her eyes shut, wishing she would claim her lips again. She felt hot and needy and oh so turned on.

'Wow,' she opened her eyes and stared at Lexa's dilated eyes, and kiss bruised lips. Lexa swallowed and took a sip of her drink. 'I mean seriously wow,' Clarke said again because she desperately wanted to kiss more, to feel Lexa's tongue on hers, to feel that close for hours on end.

'Hmm,' Lexa hummed, skin flushed and eyes dark. That sexy little hum made Clarke's stomach turn with adoration because it meant she was nervous.

'You're an amazing kisser,' she told her, gushing more than she intended, as her eyes fell to Lexa's gorgeous kiss swollen lips.

'And? Are they just crushes?' Lexa's voice was deeper than normal, a little husky, as she stirred her drink and stared at it intensely.

'God I don't know,' she answered honestly, taking a long sip of her cocktail. 'I'm fucking turned on,' she had to be honest, Lexa deserved that, and because she was wet and throbbing and desperately in need of more. 'Are you?' she couldn't help the question, but she wanted Lexa to be as big a mess as her, she wanted Lexa to be wet, and needy too. For her. Lexa coughed, half choking on her drink,

'Uh, yeah,' she croaked. 'You're really sexy.' The words caused Clarke's stomach to flip and the ache between her thighs to intensify,

'Are you thinking about sex with me?' She was so fucking close to Lexa, unsure what was possessing her, but the urge to be close was overpowering her reason.

'Mmm,' Lexa nodded, a beautiful flush on those high cheekbones.

'What are you thinking?' her voice was low, flirty and seductive, but she was just desperate for more.

'What do you mean, what am I thinking?' Lexa looked a little bewildered.

'I mean are you thinking of me naked? Are you thinking of my chest? What are you thinking?' She was so close she could have stuck out her tongue and licked Lexa's burning cheek. She was like a girl possessed and she waited for Lexa to answer,

'I'm thinking of my face between your legs, I'm thinking about the noises you might make, fuck…' Lexa's voice was barely above a whisper, and Clarke nearly whimpered at the words. The alcohol and lust were making her feel crazy, dizzy even,

'Lets go back to my place Lex,' she moved even closer, her clit just brushing the girls thigh due to proximity which made her whole body throb gratefully.

'Clarke…don't do this,' Lexa shook her head.

'I'm not doing anything,' she answered flirtatiously, leaning close enough that her lips brushed against the lobe of Lexa's ear. The hitch in Lexa's breathing made Clarke want her even more.

'You are. Don't fuck with me,' Lexa protested and Clarke felt instantly wounded because that hadn't been her intention,

'I'm not,' she stepped back. 'I just thought…'

'That because I'm gay I'd obviously want to help you sort out your sexuality? Be your Guinea pig?'

'No,' she defended, hurt and a little bit guilty because she had assumed Lexa would be willing to help her, especially because she'd admitted to the crush and Lexa was so blatantly attracted to her as well.

'Then what?'

'I just…god we've been flirting for months. Is it really just me that feels like this is more than friends?' she asked in exasperation.

'We've only ever been friends,' Lexa stated, voice tight. 'You don't even think you're bi. How can we be more than friends?'

'I don't know, but we are. I have to be bi? Right?' Clarke stared at her, wanting something, validation of her confusion would be enough - Lexa taking it seriously, wanting to help, putting herself out there like she was.

'I'm sorry Clarke, really I am, but I can't do this,' Lexa shook her head instead and stood. 'You can't do this. Call a cab so you get home safe ok?'

'Lexa,' her mouth had fallen open, unable to believe what was happening. She felt sick devastation fill her up as Lexa stood and dug around for her wallet.

'I'm sorry ok?' Lexa repeated.

'Ok,' her brow furrowed as Lexa opened her wallet and shoved a couple of twenties to pay for their drinks. Clarke couldn't believe she was leaving. That she was just running away because they kissed and she'd suggested…well she wasn't really sure what she'd suggested, just that they somehow relieve the tension, make each other feel good. Lexa's response was so strong, so final - to just run away. Lexa had enjoyed the kiss - she'd admitted to thinking of her face between Clarke's legs. Clarke's body throbbed. Maybe Lexa didn't want a relationship or anything, didn't feel the same as her? Maybe she'd separated physical and emotional? Lexa seemed almost angry about the kiss, banning the idea of more with finality. Maybe she'd hurt her? But she felt hurt too, and embarrassed because she although she was confused, she knew she wanted Lexa and now she wasn't sure Lexa wanted her.

'Bye,' Lexa said abruptly and left.


	9. Chapter 9

_The day after the first kiss between Clarke and Lexa…we join them midway through their making-up conversation, before Clarke spends the night in Lexa's bed for the first time… (This may have a couple of typo's.) Thanks to jaelle90 for help proofing and Anonymous prompt for the suggestion. I hope this is the scene you meant:)_

 _Thanks for all the reviews - love, love, love feedback! This is another prompt scene that we also saw from Lexa's view point. The next couple will be original scenes. Thanks again and sorry I don't get round to replying to all comments - I read and appreciate them all!_

 **Chapter Nine - midway through their make up the day after their first kiss**

'Lexa, with or without you I have to work out who I am. I feel like I've been torn up inside and I'm just beginning to put myself together. Do you really want me to go find some random girl to have sex with? Work out if I really am bi?' Clarke held her breath because she didn't want to find some random girl. She was into Lexa in a big way and yes she looked at girls, thought they were pretty and all that, but she didn't want them because of Lexa, because she wanted Lexa.

'No,' Lexa shook her head, 'God no. And I do want to help you Clarke, I really do.' Clarke could tell that was sincere. Thank fuck.

'But you won't have sex with me? I mean, ok, you've said this feels like more than friends but are you even attracted to me?' She just couldn't believe that Lexa didn't feel it too. The chemistry between them was overpowering at times - and normally she knew when someone was attracted to her. And she was so goddamned sure Lexa was attracted to her, that she hadn't really expected such resistance. Maybe she should have - Lexa was extremely defensive of their friendship and Clarke knew she kept strictly to the platonic line, never blurring it even when Clarke sometimes had.

'Yes. I find you very attractive,' Lexa admitted, 'I mean, do you have any idea how much I want to have sex with you Clarke?' There was a hint of pleading in her tone, her eyes dragging over her face.

'No,' her voice was small as a strong swooping sensation reverberated between her stomach and between her legs. Fuck.

'A lot. But I've ignored that. I told myself it would never happen and to be a good friend I just had to accept that. I just…we're friends. I'm ok with being friends,' Lexa sounded on the verge of panic.

'And what about the potential for more?' She asked pointedly, brushing her thumb over the skin of Lexa's hand which was still in hers. She needed Lexa to know she wasn't trying to be careless with her feelings. 'I mean I can't stop thinking about you either. Every time I have a text from you I smile. I always want to be with you.'

'I don't know. I just…sexual attraction is obvious. I'm not saying we can't hide it, but surely you know if your attraction is sexual?' Lexa gave her this look, all large eyes practically devouring her. Lexa must be clueless about the way she looked at her because it was so intense and clearly so much more than platonic. She swallowed hard at the desire in her eyes.

'Knowing we find someone attractive and acting on that attraction are two entirely different things,' Clarke answered knowing Lexa wouldn't be able to deny the truth of that.

'I just feel like there is so much potential for hurt here,' Lexa admitted and Clarke tried to find a response that countered that entirely correct assertion. There was so much potential for hurt, but there was potential for something beautiful too.

'You said you're not in love with me,' Clarke reminded her, even though there was definitely love between them. She watched Lexa swallow nervously, 'and we are best friends. And we're flirty, we're clearly extremely interested in one another. Can't we blur the line? I mean if we both want to?' she didn't know quite what was driving her insistence. It just felt imperative that she explore this. She wanted to know who she was, sure, but it was more than that. She wanted more from her relationship with Lexa. She couldn't stand up and say with any certainty that she was bisexual, but she didn't feel straight - not when she felt desperation in her veins to be closer, to touch, to kiss, to have Lexa meet that throbbing, that ache that seemed to be permanently there whenever they were together.

'I don't know,' Lexa looked terrified. 'Maybe,' the whispered concession was so welcome Clarke wanted to do some cheesy victory dance but instead she smiled softly,

'What about…what about we start small? Like, do something friends would do, but we haven't yet? Maybe a little more than friends?'

'If you say a pillow fight in our lingerie I'll walk out,' Lexa looked at her out of the corner of her eye and Clarke couldn't help but laugh, not entirely opposed to the idea,

'No, but when I stay over tonight, you let me sleep in your bed?' Her pulse literally jumped at the thought of proximity to a sleeping Lexa, to this girl that she was so fucking obsessed with.

She bit back a smirk at Lexa's sharp intake of breath.

'Uh…'

'Clothed, acceptable distance and all of that - I mean if you want - whatever you want. Look, I don't want to ruin our friendship. I don't know what I'd do without you, but there's something between us and I don't want to ruin that either, I don't want to ignore it. I am attracted to you Lexa,' Clarke wanted to be naked and close, not that she was sure what she would do with naked - she was just so confused.

'So what, when we do something and you realize you're straight and sex with women grosses you out, we just pull back?' Lexa still sounded scared.

'I guess, though the alternative is I realize I love girls,' Clarke just couldn't see there being no attraction, though she supposed it was a possibility given the whole being attracted and acting on it being entirely different. 'The main thing is through it all we keep talking, keep being best friends.'

'Maybe try some girl on girl porn,' Lexa suggested and Clarke knew her eyes widened. Clarke loved sex but she'd never been into porn, though she couldn't deny that she felt intrigued by the idea of it, especially without the cheesy men.

'You're really suggesting I watch porn?' she knew her eyes had widened.

'Yeah. Well lesbian porn. Or look at pictures, I don't care. Look at girl bits and imagine your face there, kissing there. See how you go.'

'Ok,' she nodded with a small smile, gazing at Lexa fondly - her friend was amazing. Only Lexa would prescribe porn and not have it be with a dirty motive. 'I'll watch lesbian porn if you agree to let me sleep in your bed tonight after we eat dinner and watch Greys Anatomy?'

'Fine,' the slight huff was adorable.

'Good,' Clarke squeezed her hand before letting go and heading to grab some work from her bag. 'Can we put Greys on while I work or are you still playing?'

'I'm writing lyrics,' Lexa admitted wryly. 'Kissing you broke my writers block.' That fact made warmth flood through her.

'Imagine what getting laid would do for you!' she sassed without thinking, but thrilled at the way red spread across Lexa's cheeks. Clarke couldn't get over how much she adored her and decided to show her the new bits of her comic, all the Commander Lexa stuff. She wanted Lexa to get how much she she was into her.

 **XOXOXOXOXOX**

Clarke lay in Lexa's bed alone breathing in the scent of the other girl that clung to her sheets. Lexa smelt amazing. Clarke couldn't deny that the smell turned her on, all fresh and delicious and so very Lexa. Her best friends bed was amazing too - though her apartment wasn't flashy, Lexa clearly had a lot more money than Clarke who was still a student, and a significant portion had been spent on the huge and extremely comfortable bed. The duvet was fluffy, the sheets soft and white, the mattress just the right mix of firm and soft. Lexa had a bright afghan on the foot of the bed, an array of stripes in different shades of blues, and looking at it made Clarke happy inside - visions of Lexa on some sodden porch wrapped up in it filling her head. Lexa always joked the blues in the throw reminded her of Clarke's eyes, and how they were always changing colour, and maybe that was another reason she loved it. The bed in itself was a wooden masterpiece that Clarke coveted - all bending boughs intertwined. The thought of sleeping in it with Lexa was exhilarating. Though the girl herself was taking far too long in the shower and Clarke found her mind wondering to her friends firm, naked body under a stream of hot water. Her clit throbbed at the thought. She pulled out her phone to distract herself and smirked at the three messages there,

 **Raven** \- How's your "date" going?

 **Raven** \- Seriously, did you and Lexa make up?

 **Raven** \- Wow - I guess it's the kind of make up session where phones are forgotten. Go Clarkey! I knew you couldn't resist each other!

 **Clarke** \- Oh shut up.

 **Raven** \- So you didn't kiss and make up?

 **Clarke** \- We made up. We didn't kiss though.

 **Raven** \- Boo hiss. Why not? I know you want to!

 **Clarke** \- She's scared of getting hurt.

 **Raven** \- That's a legitimate fear considering she's totally in love with you.

 **Clarke** \- She isn't!

 **Raven** \- Yeah she is. And you're totally in love with her too. Funny thing is neither of you have accepted that yet!

 **Clarke** \- I've accepted I'm attracted to her.

 **Raven** \- Ooh! Whatcha gonna do about it?

 **Clarke** \- Well I'm sleeping in her bed with her tonight!

 **Raven** \- You seductive little wench!

 **Clarke** \- We're meant to be just sleeping. But fuck…

 **Raven** \- Fuck, what? You can't just write fuck… And not finish the sentence off!

 **Clarke** \- I'm really turned on. Like so fucking turned on.

 **Raven** \- So where do you guys stand?

 **Clarke** \- I think she's going to help me explore things. She set me homework!

 **Raven** \- OMG. Being bi homework? What are you supposed to do?

 **Clarke** \- Ahh

 **Raven** \- Don't be coy! You tell me everything!

 **Clarke** \- Ugh, fine. I'm supposed to look at girl on girl porn.

 **Raven** \- She wants you to try and get off to girl on girl porn?

 **Clarke** \- ahh…I didn't say that. She said look at it.

 **Raven** \- Ooh, I want Lexa as a teacher! Looking at porn…tough life.

 **Clarke** \- You use porn?

 **Raven** \- I have. You haven't?

 **Clarke** \- Not before, no.

 **Raven** \- So have you looked at the girl on girl porn yet? Is it good?

 **Clarke** \- Not yet! I'm in her bed!

 **Raven** \- And where's the Commander?

 **Clarke** \- Shower.

 **Raven** \- You been thinking about her in the shower?

 **Clarke** \- uh…no comment.

 **Raven** \- You have time - she always take ages, or so you say. Look up some porn. Do your homework Clarkey! Please your teacher;)

 **Clarke** \- ugh, you're annoying.

 **Raven** \- Stop being a wuss and look!

 **Clarke** \- Ok. But I'm not texting you while I do it!

 **Raven** \- Fingers will be otherwise engaged, huh?

 **Clarke** \- Shut up!

 **Raven** \- Love you too!

 **Raven** \- And have fun!

Clarke closed her messages and opened safari before staring at the search bar trying to decided what to put in. Lesbian porn? Girl on girl porn? Girls having sex with other girls? Clarke sighed in frustration and went with the first because she could imagine straight guys going for the girl on girl thing. She hesitated for a second, because she was sure she'd read some stupid map of porn statistics on Buzzfeed that said people searched lesbian porn more than anything else in certain areas. There wasn't much she could do about other peoples searches, she decided and search. She waited for the results to load and hit images. She felt her mouth drop open as she stared, the clenching feeling between her legs intensifying the longer she looked. She clicked out and headed to a site which boasted free images. She didn't even notice her tongue sneak out to wet her lips, or the way she was holding her thighs together.

'You reading?' Lexa's voice startled her, and Clarke could have sworn she could smell her deliciousness wafting off of her from where she was lying in the bed.

'Nope,' she croaked as Lexa lifted the covers. She looked amazing in pyjama shorts and a tank, all long legs, strong arms and damp dark hair. Clarke felt the pulse between her legs beat harder, more of an aching throb.

'What are you doing?' Lexa asked as she slipped under the covers beside her, the mattress dipping a little.

'Looking at lesbian porn,' she stated, gluing her eyes to the screen so Lexa would hopefully not see how fucking fixated on her she really was. There may have also been a slight desire to unnerve the girl, with her bravado. 'You know, as per our deal.'

'Fuck Clarke, I didn't mean look at porn while you're in bed with me,' Lexa turned red and shifted around. Clarke wanted to smile.

'Some of the photos aren't great. And there seems to be a lot of anal fixation,' she feigned interest in the screen, which was good but not nearly as interesting as the girl beside her.

'Some girls are into that,' Lexa sounded relaxed about it and that piqued Clarke's curiosity,

'Are you?' she looked away from her phone and at Lexa who was still red cheeked and looking all beautiful and close.

'God, I don't know. If I was with someone who wanted to try that then…maybe,' Lexa bit her lip and Clarke looked away because she was fighting the sudden impulse to kiss her, to just roll on top of her and kiss her good and proper.

'There are some really good photos,' she fixed her eyes on the screen again, 'is there a site you'd recommend?' she managed nonchalance she really didn't feel.

'Clarke, no,' Lexa protested weakly and Clarke felt a devil may care attitude surge through her. She loved to see Lexa riled like this, but more than anything she was desperate for some kind of touch from the other girl.

'You don't? Because this site is good…I mean fuck…why didn't I look at porn like this ten years ago?' she felt like she was possessed as she drove her agenda forward. She'd just been feeling like this for so long and she needed Lexa, wanted her.

'Because you were fourteen,' Lexa responded. Clarke could sense her darkened eyes fixed on her and knew her own must be dark too. She let her tongue sneak out and wet her lips, hearing Lexa's breathing deepen. 'Don't look at porn in my bed Clarke,' Lexa whispered and Clarke's eyes flicked up to see green nearly obliterated by black. She swallowed because the air between them seemed energized and Lexa looked like she might lose it - in a really good way.

'It's…uh…yeah, you're right, I shouldn't be looking at this when I'm in a bed with you,' she really shouldn't. No, in Lexa's bed she should be looking at Lexa because she was beautiful and sweet and wonderful and so fucking sexy. She shoved her phone on the night stand and shuffled down under the covers, moving closer to Lexa who switched out the light before shuffling down as well.

Clarke could hear Lexa's deep breaths and the urge to be close was so overwhelming she caved, seeking proximity and reaching out a confident hand and resting it on the strong stomach of her best friend, her face buried in Lexa's neck. She'd been this close to Lexa before, it certainly wasn't the first time, but she felt ready to devour her. Her body ached and throbbed in a deliciously unsatisfied way and she wanted Lexa to be the one to satisfy her. This was sexual desire for a girl, for this one particular girl.

'You're very close,' Lexa's whisper made Clarke want her more.

'I'm a snuggler, I told you,' she moved her hand boldly to Lexa's ribs, just below her boob, wondering what it would feel like in her hand. Probably just right. Her own were too big for her hand, but Lexa's…

'Don't get me wrong, I love snugly you, but…fuck…' Lexa sounded in pain and it thrilled Clarke to know she was just as turned on, that she was suffering the same delicious torture.

'I keep thinking about our kiss Lexa,' her voice was throaty and decidedly sultry.

'Clarke,' Lexa was trying to halt this new development, but Clarke just couldn't stop,

'Have you thought about it?'

'I wrote a song about it, so yeah, I've thought about it,' Lexa admitted, and Clarke felt her clit pulse and wished she could rub it against something - well Lexa, if she were honest.

'I've never been kissed like that,' she continued. It was true. She'd been kissed of course, with tongue, with teeth, with desire and intent, but Lexa's kiss was something else entirely.

'I've seen Bellamy kiss you like that,' Lexa pointed out and Clarke scowled into her neck before smirking and putting her mouth right next to Lexa's ear,

'Jealous?' she husked.

'Always,' Lexa's honesty caused a gush of wetness between her legs.

'You know what Lexa, I'm really horny,' she whispered still close, allowing her lips to brush against the sweet smelling skin at Lexa's ear.

'We're meant to be sleeping. You said as friends,' Lexa sucked in a breath and then swallowed so loud Clarke heard it.

'I'm not sleepy,' she sassed, dropping back on her pillows, acting defeated, but really sliding a hand down her stomach to press on her clit because she just had to relieve the tension. She moaned as she thought about Lexa's pretty fingers sliding through her. Lexa turned sharply on the bed and Clarke knew she was staring, that she'd heard the moan. Clarke trailed her fingers over herself, everything throbbing and aching, begging for a firmer touch. She bit her lip as she moaned again.

'Clarke,' Lexa sounded so fucking hungry, so needy and it was perfect because anything else would have made things awkward. Anything else would have been entirely justified of course but awkward.

'I told you I was horny,' she stated. She meant to defend herself but even to her ears it sounded like an invitation. 'You could help,' she whispered with desperation and reached across for her friends hand, her own shaking slightly. She placed Lexa's cool hand palm down on her stomach, hers resting on top of it, and then nudged south. She was honestly shocked at her own bravado but Lexa's soft, utterly delectable moan gave her confidence. She felt like her body needed touch so strongly that it was burning, and it was Lexa's touch she wanted - craved. Her friends palm was creating a searing, electrified heat against her skin.

'Help me,' she pleaded and Lexa moaned again, a moan that became a groan as she slid her hand down into Clarke's shorts. She wanted to urge Lexa to move her hand faster, couldn't wait for it to touch where she was wet, warm and throbbing, but then her fingers finally trailed through her, soft and cool and she groaned with utter relief. Lexa's fingers explored her carefully, each move perfect, and relieving a little tension but not quite enough. Her breathing was ragged, and her body pulsed with the need for more, as Lexa continued her soft exploration. Lexa's own breathing was harsh and she kept making a soft whimpering sound that was driving Clarke crazy, moans tumbling out of her with each swipe of those skilled fingers. Lexa was playing with her, had to be, her thumb brushing over her clit haphazardly but with enormous skill.

'Please,' she begged at length because she needed more. What Lexa was doing felt better than any touch ever had and yet she still needed more. Lexa immediately responded, fingers brushing against her clit with more deliberate intention, and holy fuck. Clarke's head fell back and she groaned, her thighs gripping Lexa's hand for a moment because it was simultaneously too much and not enough. 'More,' she begged and Lexa slid one finger torturously close to her entrance before sliding it inside of her as her thumb moved in soft, gentle circles over her clit. 'Holy fucking wow,' Clarke mewled unable to control the way her hips thrust up towards Lexa's hands, as she curled her long fingers inside of her and hit that spot, the one inside of her that previous lovers had seemed incapable of locating.

Clarke couldn't think, couldn't find her head at all, because her body was responding so strongly, pulse racing, heart pounding, and a desperation to reach the tipping point to falling apart. 'Oh fuck, Lex, more,' she panted as Lexa began to pump her fingers, using her thumb and palm to rub at her clit with each movement. Whatever the specifics of what Lexa was doing it didn't change the fact for Clarke this felt different to previous experiences. Guys had touched her before, but never had it felt like it did when Lexa touched her. The girls hand was skilled, absolutely fucking skilled, but it was so much more than that. Her eyes fell onto Lexa, her eyes were black as she stared at Clarke's face, absorbing her every expression as her fingers pumped in and out. She was a freaking goddess and half the time Clarke would swear she didn't know it. Everything about her was beautiful and more than that - she was a beautiful person inside, one who made Clarke laugh, who made her happy, a person who willingly shoved her own demons aside to do so. It didn't really matter that Lexa was infinitely skilled with her fingers, what mattered was how much Clarke loved her body up close next to hers, loved knowing it was Lexa's fingers making her feel good in this way, that it was Lexa so close she could smell her, that being entwined with Lexa in this way felt right and wonderful. The urge to touch her was strong - she wanted Lexa's breast in her hand, to smooth her palm over soft skin, to see her face when she made her feel really, really good. Her body swooped at the thought and she was on the edge, her hips meeting Lexa's hand, unable to stop raspy moans escaping her as she made each dip of her fingers feel as good as the first.

'Oh god, I'm going to cum, Lexa, Lexa,' she began a soft chant of the girls name before she cried out loudly, her body rippling and pulsing as the pleasure seemed to fill her up endlessly. Lexa moaned softly in her ear as her body tightened and rippled around her fingers. Clarke thought it was the sexiest sound she'd ever heard, and she would have sworn her body responded, gripping tighter around Lexa's fingers. Then Lexa was pulling her hand away, fingers trailing out of her and the weight of the intimacy they had just shared struck Clarke. She wanted to protest the withdrawal, wanted to keep her fingers inside of her, wanted to keep the closeness, but once they we're gone she opened her eyes, not that she recollected shutting them, and looked at her best friend.

'Clarke,' Lexa's voice was deeper than she'd ever heard it, and it was filled with so much longing she felt it in her lower belly.

Hmmm?'

'Can I lick my fingers?' Lexa looked uncertain and edgy.

'Yeah,' her eyes were fixed on Lexa as she brought fingers that glistened with her wetness up to her lips and pushed them into her mouth, sucking them clean. Her body swooped and clenched and another aftershock from her orgasm ran through her. 'That's really, really fucking hot.'

'Mmm,' Lexa looked like she was holding it all in. Clarke wanted her to let loose - she imagined that Lexa letting loose would be spectacular, but she didn't think she could make her feel like she'd been made to feel - not yet. The thought filled her with anxiety. She wanted Lexa to feel everything she had, but wasn't sure she had the guts to make it happen, that she was ready - that she had the skill. Well that was bullshit - she was ready in a way, just scared. Scared that in the moment it might be strange or she'd be bad at it - just scared in general.

'How did I taste?' she asked instead, moving closer, her eyes suddenly heavy.

'Good,' Lexa answered, jaw tight, heavy emotion in that one word.

'Well that was good,' Clarke said and gave a small laugh when Lexa looked at her all wide eyed. 'Aw come on, I've gotta clear the air otherwise you're going to be lying there all grumpy and quiet.'

'My problem is not grumpiness,' Lexa responded bluntly, eyes roving over Clarke, full of desire.

'Oh,' she flushed, realizing that Lexa must be wet. Throbbing. Feeling in need of release. Turned on. For her. Because of her. 'Right. I…I..uh…'

'Calm down, I'm not expecting you to do anything about it,' Lexa rolled her eyes and dropped onto her back, eyes falling away from Clarke.

'You aren't?' she clarified nervously, half wanting to offer.

'You're not ready for that, right?'

'Right,' she honestly wasn't sure.

And I don't want you touching me unless you're damn sure you're going to enjoy it.'

'I enjoyed you touching me,' she wriggled closer, a hand wrapping around Lexa's waist, needing to have her body close. 'I mean I really, really enjoyed it.'

'Couldn't tell,' Lexa mumbled with a small smile that warmed Clarke from head to toe.

'Nah, I always chant my best friends name when I cum,' she joked and then blushed at all that implied.

'So how gay do you feel?' Lexa asked at length and Clarke found her stomach turn with nerves,

'I don't know. I don't feel straight. I found you touching me really, really good and I swear I was more turned on that I've ever been, and I wanted to touch you but God…I just, I'm not sure,' she babbled. Lexa looked like she was trying to vocalize and eventually blurted out,

'Masturbate lots!'

'Huh? Porn and masturbation? You set tough homework gay guru.'

'Shit, all I mean is, I don't know how you masterbate but maybe try using your hand…feel confident…down there,' Lexa attempted, stumbling over her words a little.

'I know my way around a vagina,' she muttered kind of defiantly, because she didn't want Lexa thinking she didn't.

'Yeah I know, I've heard you and your medical descriptions. Do you masturbate with your hand in your underwear? In you?'

'No. I kinda rub on top,' she didn't feel weird talking about this with Lexa. Sure she flushed a little but she just didn't find it uncomfortable.

'Start,' Lexa ordered.

'Ok,' she rolled her eyes, amused.

'Make yourself cum that way with your lesbian porn - I mean if you can.'

'Are you trying to turn me gay?' She joked feeling nerves creep in about the whole reality of the situation, but of course Lexa became defensive at the comment, rightfully so she immediately realized because it was a stupid, thoughtless thing to say, 'shit, I always say the wrong thing. I don't think that. I know that's not how it works. It was a joke. A bad joke. I know you're trying to help me discover how I really feel…I just…crap. I make bad jokes when I'm nervous.'

'You're nervous?'

'Yeah. I started rubbing myself in my friends bed, after promising it would be platonic, and all so I could get her to touch me. I want to kiss you so, so, so badly and I'm trying not to mess everything up,' the words burst free.

'Lets just sleep for tonight, ok?' Lexa sounded equally uncertain. Clarke couldn't deal with no contact so she placed a hand on Lexa's stomach, relieved when Lexa laced hers on top.


	10. Chapter 10

_Lexa heads to New York after she argues with Clarke, leaving a distraught girl behind._

 _Quite a few people requested this scene, so I hope it's what you wanted. Thanks as always to jaelle90 And thanks for all the comments and support with this._

 _I wasn't going to do more than this on Lexa in New York. I was going to leave the argument just from Lexa's perspective. I hope that's ok._

 **Chapter Ten**

'What the hell got up Lexa's ass? That family thing is total BS,' Raven frowned as Lexa headed abruptly out of Clarke's apartment moments after reappearing from Clarke's bedroom. Clarke wanted to share immediately what had happened - the argument over what she'd shared with her friends, the "sex? We didn't have sex" text, and most especially the awful sick feeling heavy in her stomach, but hadn't Lexa just been indicating that telling her friends every little thing was hurtful? And Lincoln might be her friend, but he was mostly Lexa's, and Clarke didn't think he'd love her openly discussing Lexa's anger and hurt in front of everyone, so she sucked in a shaky breath.

'Nothing…it's like she said,' she managed to stutter, and both Raven and Octavia's heads snapped to hers. They'd probably heard their raised voices in the bedroom and knew that was a lie.

'I feel like ice cream,' Octavia announced and Clarke frowned slightly because the segue from Lexa's obvious anger to ice cream was abrupt.

'There's Ben and Jerry's in the freezer,' she responded absently, brain on her best friend, as she fought the overwhelming urge to cry with everything she had.

'Yeah but you only ever have Chocolate Fudge Brownie and I really, really want Chunky Monkey,' she shrugged and turned big eyes on Lincoln.

'You want me to go get some ice cream?' He asked, palming his phone and glancing at the screen - clearly edgy.

'Please. Maybe you and Bell can go? I know that Raven was saying she's desperate for Cheesy Pleasers.'

'Love those things, can never eat enough of them!' Raven concurred at once.

'Sure,' Bellamy frowned. Clarke couldn't even find the presence of mind to worry about the fact that Octavia and Raven were really obviously getting rid of Lincoln and Bellamy, she just wanted the men gone so she could break down. She stared intently at her hands as scuffling and words were exchanged between the other four, before the door slammed confirming they were gone. Clarke sensed Octavia sit beside her and Raven in front of her.

'What happened?' Raven asked. 'Do I need to kick her ass?'

'If you need to kick anyone's ass you need to kick mine,' Clarke heaved in a breath, her ribs feeling like they were splitting from the stress and panic swirling inside of her. She kept fighting tears even though her friends wouldn't care if she cried.

'What happened?' Octavia frowned, taking her hand, thumb brushing over her knuckles.

'I…I…' she hesitated because she wanted to tell them, she wanted help with the situation, but she really didn't want to defy Lexa's trust, or hurt her worse than she already had.

'What?'

'I fucked up,' she admitted, ignoring the one tear that tracked down her cheek until she could taste it's saltiness at the corner of her mouth.

'How?'

'Telling you about everything with Lexa...'

'She can't expect you to just discuss your confusion about your sexuality with her alone. That's entirely unfair,' Raven raged.

'But how confused am I? I mean really?' Clarke's voice cracked. 'I might not be ready but I know how I feel.'

'Well only you can answer how confused you are,' Octavia said softly. 'And being ready is important.'

'I…I just totally ruined things though,' another fat tear trickled down her face.

'How? Because you talked to us? That's crazy. I'm sorry if we were too upfront but she knows us!' Raven rolled her eyes.

'I said we didn't have sex,' she admitted, voice cracking as she covered her face with her hands for a moment. Both Raven and Octavia frowned,

'You didn't, though? Right?'

'She's a lesbian. Of course we had sex! I just…I didn't realize. I was putting that fucking typical heterosexual spin on it, where…where…'

'Digits up your hoo ha…' Raven offered sheepishly,

'Yeah…where that isn't considered sex. And of course it is. I went from a drunken kiss in a bar, as an "experiment," to convincing her to help me explore things, to initiating and having sex,' she rubbed her face, swiping away the tears.

'At least it was good sex,' Raven said blithely, and Clarke huffed, as Octavia sent the mechanic a vicious glare.

'Clarke, she'll forgive you,' Octavia reassured, even as Clarke reached for her phone and began to text.

 **Clarke** \- Lexa. I am really, really sorry. I understand why you're so upset. I really, really do. I know you probably think I'm just saying that but I'm not. I get that we had sex now. I know it was only one part of sex, but I do get it. It felt like sex to me, but I've never called fingering sex. I've never been made to cum by it either. I'm still learning and maybe I should have known, but I didn't. I didn't mean to belittle it by not recognizing it for what it was.

 **Clarke** \- Sorry long text. I'm also sorry I made what we did sound like it didn't mean something. The thing is, O and Raven have known that this is more than a friendship for longer than I have. They knew I was crushing on you. They encouraged me to talk to you. Still…I made it sound like it was just a sexual exploration. I actually - stupidly - thought you'd prefer that. I'm a total idiot a lot of the time.

'Clarke, Lexa is batshit crazy about you. This will be ok,' Raven gave her hand a squeeze, demeanour softening.

'Don't you get it? I really hurt her and I embarrassed her. She said you guys know how she feels about me and I belittled what was between us to you...' she trailed off, unwilling to admit the rest.

'Surely she knows you're equally batshit crazy for her?' Raven scowled.

'While Raven's eloquent term does describe you both quite aptly, I think Clarke means that Lexa thinks this is the exploration of a more superficial crush.'

'I've told her I'm into her,' she stared at her phone willing it to ring and the sick nervy turn of her stomach to calm. 'But…then I termed it like I did to you two and…you know…'

'Not really?' Octavia shook her head.

'She thinks that if you think I'm just experimenting and if you both think she's in love with me, that you'll think she took advantage,' she finally admitted.

'Of horn dog Griffin?' Raven scoffed and once again Octavia fixed her with a steely glare,

'For fucks sake Rae,' she rolled her eyes.

'Come on,' Raven softened despite her protest, 'the last thing Lexa would ever do is take advantage. That would never have occurred to us.'

'That's true,' Octavia said, but Clarke shook her head, her stomach tense, her heart beating hard and her head struggling to hold onto any thoughts.

'She's scared and I made everything worse by playing into those fears. She thought…that when I said exploring stuff…that you wouldn't know it was more for me…she thinks that maybe…I'm just experimenting…using her…'

'Well that's not fair Clarke. She can't judge you for exploring who you are…'

'She isn't,' Clarke protested. 'She's just convinced I'll end up saying I'm straight and she'll be the collateral damage.'

'You told her you're into her. You told her it's more,' Octavia protested.

'Then I told her I tell you guys everything and said to you guys that she was helping me explore my sexuality, totally minimizing how much she means to me. Then I said we didn't have sex. Fuck.'

'And she's not replying?' Octavia asked.

'She hasn't even read the messages.'

'She has read receipts on?' Raven scoffed.

'Focus!' Octavia hissed. 'Text her again Clarke.'

 **Clarke** \- But I mean well. Because you're my best friend. My best friend that I love and adore.

'I need to go to her place.'

'Ok,' Octavia nodded, as the boys could be heard in the hall.

'Don't say anything to them, please. Especially not Lincoln.'

'Clarke, it's going to be ok. You know that that, right?' Raven rubbed her shoulder.

'No,' Clarke shook her head. She actually felt pain at the thought of Lexa hurting because of her.

'She's your best friend,' Octavia reassured.

'And a whole lot more, because O and I are your best friends too, but she's in a whole different league. She won't be ok without you so things will have to be ok.'

'I'm just so in the wrong,' she stood abruptly as the door opened and headed to her room.

 **XOXOXOXOXXOOX**

 **Clarke** \- Some girl tweeted a photo of her and Lexa in the park.

 **Raven** \- So? You know fans are crazy for her.

 **Octavia** \- Raven is right. It doesn't mean anything.

 **Clarke** \- The girl wrote that Lexa was singing to her! Lexa only sings for me.

 **Octavia** \- And audiences of several thousands!

 **Clarke** \- I mean in private.

 **Raven** \- Dude, she was in Central Park. She didn't give the girl a private show!

 **Clarke** \- But what if she did?

 **Octavia** \- I just looked it up, and the photo is in Central Park and you can clearly see other people.

 **Raven** \- She meant sex, O! :$

 **Octavia** \- Oh! I'm not so quick apparently

 **Clarke** \- She's not text since we said we were going to leave things and now this! Fuck. I don't want to leave things. Why did I say that? God, I'm so confused.

 **Octavia** \- I still can't believe she agreed to that! And it was only yesterday night so chill.

 **Raven** \- I agree. She's lusty as all hell for you, and those eyes scream it

 **Octavia** \- It's obviously more than just lust - that's the problem she's dealing with

 **Clarke** \- She doesn't want things to get messed up. I understand that. I don't either

 **Octavia** \- Understandable.

 **Raven** \- Lame - grow a back bone commander!

 **Clarke** \- Don't be like that about her. She isn't lame! Not at all. She's just doesn't want to risk our friendship

 **Raven** \- So she's giving up on something more with the girl she's in love with?

 **Clarke** \- She's not in love with me. She said she wasn't

 **Raven** \- And you believed her?

 **Clarke** \- Uhhh...

 **Octavia** \- It's not fair to put emotions where Lexa hasn't or isn't ready to. If she isn't ready to say she loves Clarke, it's because she's protecting herself. And Clarke. Because working things out isn't always simple. Right Clarke?

 **Clarke** \- Right.

 **Clarke** \- But I still want something with her, I do. I can't just leave it. Well I could but I don't what to. What do I do?

 **Raven** \- But you aren't sure you're bi, right? Or what? I don't get it. I'm not trying to be a pain…I just don't get it?

 **Clarke** \- I don't know whether I could be with a girl in every way or even in a relationship…I'm just not sure yet - it's all new to me

 **Raven** \- But you were with a girl?

 **Raven** \- And you liked it!

 **Clarke** \- Is it Lexa or girls in general though?

 **Octavia** \- Does it even matter?

 **Clarke** \- I don't know.

 **Clarke** \- I just need time to work things through. In my head and physically - I'm realizing I dont know myself at all and you know, fighting against our preconceived notions of ourselves is hard. Really hard. But just because I can't say the words with any certainty, doesn't mean that's not who I am. I feel like I am bi, but I just need more time.

 **Raven** \- And that I totally understand.

 **Octavia** \- And so does Lexa, right?

 **Clarke** \- She's just scared about what would happen to us if I decide I'm not bi. If I work out my sexuality with her and then don't want her. And she's right. What would that do to us and our friendship? What would that do to her? She said she's never had a friend like me.

 **Raven** \- One she's wildly in love with, you mean?

 **Clarke** \- Someone who loves and adores her for being her.

 **Octavia** \- I get it. I understand completely.

 **Raven** \- What about Lincoln? I mean they're super close

 **Octavia** \- Lincoln and Lexa are more like siblings.

 **Raven** \- Oh. Yeah, I get that - they're definitely alike - both kinda broody and silent .

 **Clarke** \- Not in private.

 **Octavia** \- Not in private.

 **Raven** \- Never had to people jinx in a text before. Kudos my friends, kudos.

 **Clarke** \- What if she fucks that girl? Do you think she did?

 **Raven** \- Central Park fangirl? Nah.

 **Octavia** \- Even if she did - you aren't together Clarke. You said you're staying as just friends

 **Clarke** \- Yeah, I know. Thanks:(

 **Octavia** \- I just mean, it shouldn't matter. You guys made the decision not to pursue this so she is free to be with other girls

 **Raven** \- But Clarke obviously wants to pursue things with her...

 **Octavia** \- I hate saying this, because you know I love you Clarke, but Lexa obviously does not

 **Raven** \- Because she's scared! You know she's so into her

 **Clarke** \- Fuck! Omg fuck

 **Octavia** \- What?

 **Raven** \- What?

 **Raven** \- Jinx.

 **Clarke** \- There's another picture, from a different girl. From last night and fuck!

 **Octavia** \- Oh?

 **Raven** \- Hmmm, ok, yeah that girl is definitely looking to fuck her

 **Clarke** \- Lexa's hand is on her stomach. And they're in a bar. Oh god. Fuck

 **Raven** \- Coming over.

 **Octavia** \- Me too.

 **XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

'Every Time I think of that girls hands on Lexa I want to kill her, and then kill Lexa,' Clarke's thoughts and emotions were a jumble of anger, jealousy and disappointment. And sadness. Plenty of sad.

'Kill Lexa?' Raven's smirk was audible. Clarke glared at her friend, through the burning feeling in her stomach.

'I'm sure nothing happened,' Octavia reassured, but Clarke turned venom filled eyes on her,

'Nothing? Lexa's hand is on her stomach in the photo and God, the comment is so infuriating…'

'"Meeting your musical icon in your local gay bar - fuck yeah!"' Raven read. As if the words weren't burned on her brain. As if the fuck yeah hadn't filled her head with all kinds of awful thoughts, of deep panted breaths, skin sliding against skin and Lexa's beautiful fingers buried deep in some other girl. Clarke felt nauseous.

'You ok?' Octavia's warm hand was on her arm and she shook it off because the heat was too much when coupled with her burning jealousy.

'I fucking hate that girl. Look at her? All long limbed and stupid beautiful smooth skin, and big eyes.'

'Clarke…' Octavia attempted.

'Fuck…is that her type? Is it? Small breasts? Dark hair? Beautiful face?' she had always scorned feelings of physical inadequacy - her looks were hers and that was that, there was little she could do to change them, but suddenly she wanted to morph into a dark, lithe beauty with enormous eyes.

'Clarke…'

'God. Why did I say we should leave it? How could she just move onto someone? Just hours after we end things?' she sniffed, her words wretched.

'End things?' Raven asked pointedly and Clarke whipped her head up to yell,

'Oh stop being so pedantic - you know what I mean. We ended the potential for more. I want the potential for more. I want Lexa.'

'Then tell her,' Octavia said, the small smile totally irritating Clarke.

'Big point in telling her when she's fucking Ms. Gorgeous fangirl,' she growled.

'You don't know that,' Octavia attempted and Clarke began pointing out the evidence.

'Of course she fucked her. The hand on her stomach! The girls sat on her fucking lap in a fucking gay bar, taking pictures to boast with on tumblr. And she's so hinting with that comment. Come on. And on Twitter people are asking her…it's so fucking obvious.'

'And tacky,' Raven's eyes were glued to her phone, clearly strolling through the girls Twitter, or tumblr, or something. 'She's so tacky to hint at sex with someone as private as Lexa.'

'You think Lexa slept with her, don't you?' she felt tears burn her eyes.

'Uh…I don't know if she did, but uh…'

'You know that Lexa didn't come onto her Clarke,' Octavia said carefully. 'If they did have sex…'

'How could she?' Tears leaked from her eyes, 'fuck. I hate that girl. Fuck. Fuck. Lexa should be mine. She's my best friend, and I don't want that girls hands on her. Fuck. Do you think she made Lexa come? Fuck,' she was a mess and she usually prided herself on not getting emotionally messy.

'Clarke, take a breath,' Raven gripped her arm.

'I don't want to take a breath,' she growled, 'I want to go to New York and punch that girl in the face. And Lexa too. How could she!'

'Clarke…'

'Seriously. God, I don't want to punch her. It's just that Lexa deserves more than causal sex. She deserves to be worshipped and adored for who she is, not because she's famous, or a musical genius or whatever.'

'Yeah but…'

'No,' she glared at Raven, incensed, literally every part of her body coiling and recoiling with jealousy. She wanted Lexa. She wanted Lexa to want her. She didn't want some other girls hands and mouth on her or in her, even though she wasn't sure what she felt about her hands and mouth on Lexa. The cruel irony of her constant urging of Lexa to get some, to get laid, to pull girls, wasn't lost on Clarke. Now that Lexa apparently had, Clarke realized how much she didn't want Lexa with anyone else. She wanted Lexa for herself. She wanted Lexa to be hers to touch, to be with. And she wanted Lexa to want her. She wanted this incredible friendship between them to grow and expand.

Clarke was jealous and overwhelmed and simultaneously angry and hurt, and filled with the bitter realization that she had absolutely no right to be.


	11. Chapter 11

_Pre and post Clarke's fight with Lexa._

 _Ok, so here is the fight chapter. We don't see the fight (it's chapter five of unsung heart if you want to reread it:) I'm sorry I didn't post it first. I'm hoping you'll get the notification to read it..._

 _Thanks for feedback always :) I love your opinions and thoughts!_

 **Please read! Important!**

This is before Clarke getting drunk with her friends. I'll post this and then reorder the chapters:) so the drunken ask a bisexual night comes after this chronologically:)

 **Chapter Eleven**

'So what are you going to say to her?' Octavia asked.

'I mean, are you gonna say anything?' Raven looked at her with knowing eyes.

'God, I don't know. Part of me wants to keep it all in, see if she tells me about the girl, but I'm just so fucking angry...' Clarke sighed loudly.

'And hurt,' Octavia pointed out.

'Yeah,' she nodded scooping more ice cream onto her spoon and shoving it in her mouth. 'The thing is...' she trailed off unsure how to explain to her friends her thoughts. She didn't really know how she was supposed to feel about everything. She didn't know what she had the right to feel about Lexa sleeping with some other girl. All she could really focus on was the reality of what she actually did feel.

'The thing is?' Raven echoed.

'I just...ok, so here it is. She's my best friend. But it's different to my friendship with you guys...'

'Yeah cos when we look at each other it's not foreplay,' Raven interjected. Clarke gave her a look but she just grinned.

'It's true Clarke,' Octavia told her helpfully.

'Oh I'm not denying that there's something there when we're together. I'm making the point that there is something there,' she rolled her eyes, but they were still red and sore from the excessive tears she'd been crying for the last couple of days.

'Ok, ok, keep laying it all out,' Raven waved her hand impatiently in the air.

'So I just...can't help how I feel. I'm angry but really should I be? I mean, I told her to get laid frequently over the last six months, and we aren't together and I made her feel awful because I told you guys it was experimenting. I also said we didn't have sex when we did and...'

'Clarke,' it was surprisingly Octavia who interrupted, not Raven.

'What?'

'If you're angry, you're angry.'

'But, I'm also hurt and jealous and...what right do I have to any of this? She obviously thinks I'm straight.'

'Who gets to decide if you're straight or not?' Raven scoffed. 'Seriously Clarke. She can't wrestle you back in the closet when you're half out just because you might decide to walk back in and choose a different outfit.'

'No,' she found a small smile on her lips, 'no ok. But she can ask me not to loiter in the doorway with her?'

'She can,' Octavia agreed and then pursed her lips thoughtfully, 'only she's partly responsible that you're standing there at all, if you know what I mean?'

'I don't,' her brow furrowed, 'how is she responsible for my exploration of my sexuality?'

'Because it's all about her, right? You've had crushes before on girls but never felt the push to explore them, so Lexa's different.'

'Yeah,' she nodded. Lexa was very different.

'Different because you have a relationship with her, an emotional one.'

'But I have a relationship with both of you, you're both gorgeous and I don't want to bang either of you,' she rubbed her eyes.

'Yeah, why is that?' Raven sassed.

'Because your friendship, your relationship, with Lexa...it's always been different. Flirty and affectionate and really fucking intimate,' Octavia attempted.

'But you guys always say that Lexa walks the platonic line so well...'

'She does - you don't,' Octavia clarified.

'Oh,' Clarke looked at her hands, wondering if it was true but then she thought back over their friendship. It was February 29th that she last had anything sexual with anyone. And she'd done it because she was attracted to Lexa. Because she'd recognized that there was something between them, an element to their relationship that they hadn't explored - namely the physical side of things and it had scared her. And since then Clarke was always as physical as she could be whenever with Lexa - she didn't even mean to be, it just happened.

'It's no wonder that you're a whole mix of messed up emotions. You both admit your friendship is more than friends, and you...you're asking Lexa for more which she so blatantly wants to give, and yet she keeps saying no,' Octavia continued.

'I have this image in my head. You know like a cartoon of you trying to run out of the closet at full speed and Lexa, she's stood there resisting you with all her might,' Raven stated and pressed a hand against Clarke's forehead as if to demonstrate.

'But why is she resisting?' she swatted her friend away scooped more ice cream into her mouth.

'She's scared,' Octavia told her.

'I'm scared too!'

'But she's in love with you Clarke!' Octavia said but she shook her head,

'But she said she isn't and I believe her, I have to believe her. And she slept with someone else. What if I'm a complete fool who thinks there's more to us and she's thinking the more is just physical attraction and not more emotionally?' she tried to explain. 'I mean, maybe she doesn't want to risk our friendship over a physical relationship because she doesn't actually want a full relationship with me. She wants me as her best friend and she thinks best friends and fuck buddies would be messy...'

'Really?' Octavia rolled her eyes.

'You have to be kidding, because...just no.'

'But why then?' she pleaded.

'Why what?'

'Why won't she start something? You say she loves me, we both admit our relationship is more and she won't go there. I'm literally offering myself to her. On a plate. And she sleeps with someone else instead.'

'Yeah, but you're not are you - offering her you on a plate,' Raven gave her shoulder a squeeze. 'It's more of a taster and it's pretty fucking hard to get a taste of what you really want and then have it taken away for good.'

'So you're saying why bother eating the ice cream of you can't be sure you're going to get to eat all the ice cream?' she gestured to the tub on her lap.

'Well something like that...'

'So instead of even bothering with your favourite ice cream you what? Just go buy a cone because at least you get the whole thing?'

'It was a gay ass cone,' Raven shrugged.

'So you're saying she loves me so much that it's just not worth taking the risk to actually get to be with me,' Clarke's frown grew.

'Yeah, like she might get to take the ice cream out of the freezer, eat out of the tub, think she has it all, but you know...the ice cream will melt because it's too much and then it'll all be ruined for good...'

'Ok, ok, let's stop with the fucking ice cream analogy...all this talking of eating out is just too much,' Clarke held her hand up in a stop gesture but Raven merely snickered to herself. 'I kind of get what you're saying. But I think it's a cop out.'

You mean getting a cone?' Octavia asked smirking at Raven.

'Yes.'

'You just need to talk to her about all this,' Octavia sighed and Clarke found herself sighing too.

'And I will when I head to hers in a few...I just wish I could feel less angry, less hurt, and fuck...less fucking guilty about even feeling those things.'

'Why should you feel guilty? She hurt you!'

'She doesn't even know I know about that girl. She didn't do it to hurt me...'

'She slept with a girl when she wants you and you want her. She keeps calling you straight. You're telling her you want something and she's not listening,' Raven tsked.

'Just because she's in love with her doesn't mean she has to want something though,' Octavia pointed out and Clarke's heart pulsed painfully. The sick feeling in her stomach had been there for far too long.

'Why wouldn't she? That's ridiculous,' Raven shook her head.

'Maybe she's not in love with me? Maybe I'm not her type...'

'Oh that's fucking untrue. You're so much her type her eyes are dilated nearly every time she looks at you. You can bet your sweet ass, which she stares at a lot, that you're her type. Maybe she's just not up for a relationship...maybe she needs time...' Octavia explained. 'It might not even be about you. Maybe this has happened before - a straight girl and her? We don't know.'

'Fuck,' she hated this, hated it. She was in more pain over this non-realtionship relationship, that she'd ever been over a real relationship - even Finn and his cheating ways. 'I should go.'

'Just call us if you need us,' Raven gave her a rough hug.

'And remember deep breaths, ok?' Octavia also hugged her.

'Sure sure. Smell the flowers and blow out the candles...I got it.'

'She loves you I'd bet my life on that. She's just scared...probably has a clear vision of how this is gonna go and you can bet she doesn't end up with you,' Octavia reminded her.

'Well no...she won't if she won't let me out of the closet and sleeps with other girls.'

'No,' Raven agreed.

 **OXOXOXOXOXOXOXO**

Clarke was sat on Ravens couch crying. She was an absolute mess - had been since her fight with Lexa, since she'd run from her apartment and text Raven to come and get her. She hadn't been able to talk on the car ride, just cried into her knees, her feet on the car seat. She must have seemed really distraught if Raven let her put her feet on the seat.

'Has she said anything?' Octavia asked.

'Silent crying all the way back here,' Raven said and Clarke hugged her knees tighter against her chest.

'Clarke, what happened?' Octavia's hand smoothed over her back.

'She admitted she's in love with me,' she sniffed, the words bringing on fresh floods of tears which took a while to subside.

'So where's the problem?' Raven asked. 'She's in love with you, you're in love with her...take it slow with the sex stuff...or fast, whatever suits?'

'I'm still not sure I'm bi,' Clarke sniffed, as much for herself as a small defence of Lexa. It was true she wasn't ready to come out. Although that didn't mean she wouldn't come out, that she wasn't bi. Pain rippled through her - Lexa loved her and she had offered herself to Lexa again and the girl had refused. She loved her but didn't want her. 'She said she has to move on from me.'

'What?' Octavia frowned. 'Why on earth? That makes no sense. None at all.'

'O is right,' Raven shook her head.

'Yeah well she's decided to throw away our friendship in order to protect it.'

'You're not gonna break up over this are you?' Raven asked with a frown.

'Break up? Break up?' she sniffed, 'we're not together.'

'But you are! You're Clarke and Lexa...clexa. Always together or wanting to be. Since you met her. I think she's just struggling,' Raven said gently.

'Struggling? I'm fucking struggling,' she grabbed a tissue from the box Octavia had tactfully placed beside her.

'Clarke...she's clearly got it into her head that she's going to fuck it up. That if you start something she'll end up losing you. She loves you so much she's gonna stick to the status quo because any uncertainty is too much.'

'That's pathetic,' she sobbed.

'It really isn't Clarke,' Octavia said. 'It would be worse if she didn't give a flying fuck about your friendship and spent no time at all worrying about it.'

'I just don't get it. I really don't...surely if you're in love with someone you can't wait for them to say they want something back?' she stared tearily at her friends.

'Might,' Raven stated, 'you might want something back. I'm actually beginning to get where the girl is coming from. It's like her dream come true only not quite. She can let herself have what she really, really wants, except maybe the person she loves the most in the world will decide she doesn't want that and Lexa will fall back down to earth and everything will be weird and hard and awful.'

'But why will it be so weird?' She hiccupped softly. 'I promised we could go back to how we were?'

'Because the "maybe" of you and her will become a "never. Because the loss of potential for something you want is really hard to take. Because Lexa will have kissed you, will know how that feels, because she'll have seen your face when you fall apart in her arms and she'll still be in love with you.'

'Fuck,' Clarke buried her face in her bent knees. 'How did I become so out of sync with her? Lexa and I have always been...you know easy and now I just don't understand her... She actually yelled at me...'

'Yeah...love will do that to a person,' Octavia nodded wisely.

'What mess them up?' she looked up.

'Yeah. You fought because you're both in deep. You wouldn't have fought if you didn't care as much as you do.'

'Oh great,' Clarke rolled her eyes. 'I just...it's like she's decided I'm going to break her heart and therefore that's that.'

'I think losing you might break more than just her heart Clarke...' Octavia pointed out. 'I think she's in love with you and losing you might break her...'

'Especially after tasting the delicious ice cream...I don't think cones would cut it after that...'

'Please can we not return to the ice cream analogy,' she begged through the tears that kept falling.

'But Rae is right,' Octavia said, 'sometimes we protect ourselves from the heartache...'

'Potential heartache,' she clarified with a sniff. 'This is a path of self discovery not trial and error. Why is Lexa so fucking insistent I'm straight? With all the evidence to the contrary. Ok so I've said some stupid things but she knows me. I want the chance with her...I just need time. I don't need the girl I'm in... Well you know, the girl I love deciding I'm not gay enough. Fuck...'

'But you haven't come out...' Raven pointed out, and Clarke let out a bitter bark of laughter through her tears,

'No, cos I'm not ready...and I thought my best friend, the girl I love might be able to give me a little time. I'm clearly not completely straight. I mean we've kissed. I've told her I'm into her. I asked her to fuck me! That's some pretty strong evidence right there that my sexuality is to be determined rather than determined.'

'We get that, but maybe she's obviously trying to protect herself!'

'But why? Why say she has to move on, that she can't "pine for me forever" the minute I'm offering myself to her? It just makes no sense,' Clarke couldn't swallow back the fresh wave of tears her brain going round in circles,

'So how did you leave things?' Octavia asked.

'I asked for us to try...begged her and she said nothing...just stood there...' she reached for a tissue. 'I literally stood there saying I loved her, saying I desired her and that I want to explore the potential for more and Lexa said she had to move on.'

'Wow,' Raven shook her head.

'She said nothing and just let me leave,' her words were muffled from the tears.

'One of us needs to go check on the Commander,' Raven had turned to Octavia. 'Have words with the commander.'

'I'm not going, not when Clarke's a mess like this.'

'You'll do a better job. I'm good at Clarke.'

'I'm good at Clarke too!' Octavia scowled.

Yeah I know...'

'And I've never seen her this upset!' Octavia admitted which only served to cause Clarke to bury her face deep in her own legs.

'Someone needs to make sure Lexa is ok,' Raven argued.

'Please do,' Clarke mumbled into her knees.

'Why has it gotta be me? What about her own friends? I want her to be ok, I do, but I also want to make sure my friend is ok.'

Raven mouthed something and Clarke raised wet eyes to work out what.

'Huh, I don't understand?' Octavia shrugged irritably.

'She'll listen to you O. I'm too outspoken, so whatever you say will mean more. And making sure Lexa is ok will help Clarke be ok. Please O, go help her see sense,' Raven gave up and spoke the words out loud. Octavia locked eyes with Clarke who could do nothing more than nod and whisper the word 'please.'


	12. Chapter 12

**Read me**

 _This is before the chapter when Clarke's friends ask her all the inappropriate questions. I'll reorder them._

 _Notes:_

 _This is for anonymous who requested it on tumblr:) I hope you like it. Also Starrk2 asked for the make up from Clarke's POV. Hopefully I'll post the next chapter later tonight. The texting text is all from unsung heart._

 _Love feedback:)_

 _Oh and my Clarke swears a lot when stressed, upset etc_

 **Chapter Twelve**

Clarke was curled up in Raven's comfiest armchair, a blanket wrapped around her legs and a cushion cuddled on her lap. She didn't feel any better since she'd left Lexa's, not really. She felt emotionally drained and kind of talked out. Raven had insisted they watch something completely unromantic and action filled. Apparently the latest Die Hard movie was the way to go. Except it really wasn't. Clarke had been ignoring the movie, fidgeting and sniffing and checking her phone incessantly instead. Octavia was still at Lexa's apartment and the whole thing was preoccupying her every thought.

Finally Octavia text to say she was on her way and a moment later a text arrived from Lexa. It figured that through text they would both be able to lay things on the line with more clarity, and as Raven feigned interest in the movie she text Lexa back. Lexa was clearly drunk and while she wasn't admitting any wrong doing regarding New York girl, she was at least saying sorry and trying to help her understand why she'd done it. Clarke tried meeting Lexa's honesty with some of her own, telling her that she hadn't slept with Bellamy since Trikru's Leap Year gig nearly five months earlier, and most importantly that it was because of Lexa that she hadn't. Lexa tried to explain why she'd slept with the girl and Clarke, with some space between them, tried really hard to listen.

 **Lexa** \- I was drunk, I was lonely, she was nice

 **Clarke** \- But why sleep with that girl when I want you back? That's what I don't get.

 **Lexa** \- Because I convinced myself that my friend is straight and I'd lose her if I helped her explore sex stuff. I didn't think you'd ever really want to have sex with me and I pretty much convinced myself I'd lose you during the process of finding that out.

 **Clarke** \- You need to listen to me. I told you I'm fairly certain I'm bi. I told you I think about kissing you and touching you.

 **Lexa** \- You also told me you thought going down on a girl would be kind of gross. Gay girls, bi girls - we don't think it's gross. I know I'm fixating on that but, I guess I wanted you to be sure...and you didn't sound sure.

 **Clarke** \- That's not fair. I told you why. You're the one that pointed out all the reasons vagina's get bad press. I was changing my attitude. Why couldn't you stick with me a little longer? Why don't you respect my sexuality?

 **Lexa** \- I absolutely respect your sexuality. Which at the moment is straight with an "I might be bi." I absolutely respect that you think you're bi, and I fully support you discovering the truth.

 **Clarke** \- But you don't trust my certainty on this?

 **Lexa** \- I love you Clarke. I want you and me so, so badly. I want it so badly I'd be with you without the sex stuff you're not sure of. When we kissed, when I touched you...god it felt like I was so close to getting it, like the thing I want more than anything might happen. I got so carried away. Way too carried away. My fantasies were way out of control.

 **Clarke** \- Sex fantasies?

 **Lexa** \- So much more than sex fantasies Clarke. Life fantasies. Dates - of every kind. Vacations - hot locations, cold locations, skiing...us in front of a fire. Cooking dinner together, me teasing you as you sit on the counter and wrap your arms around me. Kissing you - for real and whenever I wanted. Nights spent in your arms. I saw us getting married for fucks sake. I had to pull myself in. I had to. So I told myself you're straight until you're sure you're not. Self-preservation.

Clarke sucked in a breath and both Raven and Octavia gave up pretending that they were watching the movie, Raven hitting pause as they both swivelled to look at her. Clarke realized she must have been very ensconced in Lexa's texts to miss Octavia's return.

'What? What did she say?'

'Self-preservation,' she managed to croak. Her throat felt thick and painful, her mind was overrun by images, flashing across her minds eye like a rapid fire slide show. She tried to blink them away.

'Take a breath Clarke,' Octavia moved to the arm of her chair and rubbed her back.

'She...she kept telling herself that I'm straight because...she said...she said her fantasies were out of control and...'

'Wow, she's a dirty beast?' Raven mused with a nod,

'No...life fantasies,' she clarified unable to chastise Raven for thinking what she had.

'What's a life fantasy? Well a Lexa life fantasy?' Octavia wrinkled her nose and Clarke took a second.

'Dates, vacations, chatting as we cook, you know...being together like me wrapping my arms around her, making out...marriage...she said she wants it so badly and so she went on a self-preservation kick...I'm straight until I'm not, kinda thing...'

'Wow ok, those kinds of fantasy,' Raven whistled.

'Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,' Clarke found it hard to breathe as the slide show images of she and Lexa filled her head again.

'That's a lot of fucks,' Octavia stroked Clarke's fair hair comfortingly.

'So long as they're not the flying variety, we're all good...' Raven looked at her intently, 'are they flying fucks, Clarke?'

'They're fuck I can see what she sees. I can see us giggling on the couch, me lying in her arms, or fuck...even better, her in mine. I can see us somewhere warm and sunny, lying on cool white sheets, and fuck...I want to track my finger over all her tattoos, feel her warm tanned skin, and fuck...I want Christmas in cheesy sweaters, her all insistent we get a real tree even though it's super impractical - I just know she'd want a real tree because "the smell of a pine tree is Christamssy." I have a fuck load of life fantasies too.'

'And clearly you're not just friends in them?' Octavia clarified carefully.

'Fuck...I always thought we were...vacations with my best friend, Christmas with my best friend. Giggling on the couch snuggled with my best friend. But God...I want to be inside her I love her so much. It's this crazy, obsessive need to be close because the world just feels better when we're together and fuck...it's too much. I knew they were not just friendly fantasies but I do self-preservation too - I pretend to myself they are so I can try and be rational and ready for what they mean...and fuck...'

'That is a lotta fucks,' Raven nodded.

'Yeah,' she sniffed.

'So you forgive her?' Octavia asked at the same time as Raven stated,

'You're so bisexual...'

Raven's comment frustrated her but she struggled to explain why, even though she agreed, 'no, fuck...' she rolled her eyes in irritation at her friend and herself, 'whatever I am isn't as much of an issue as what I'm ready to be. Don't you get that? I want to explore things with her. I do. I want some of those fantasies to be realities but I have to be ready for the labels and ugh...do there really need to be labels and do I really have to identify as something?'

'I think, and correct me if I'm wrong, that you don't owe anyone any label, or identifying tag or anything. All Lexa really wants from you is for you to be able to identify, to yourself, in a way that allows for a potential future in which the two of you are together. So you and she have both been using "maybe bi." And yeah, maybe you are bi. Even if you choose to not identify with a particular label there may still be a coming out process because people have questions and your parents and ugh society in general, and a label may help with that, but really this whole process is about you,' Octavia didn't sound as sure as Clarke would have liked, but she did make sense.

'And about Lexa - to a degree,' Raven added and Octavia nodded her agreement.

'So I don't have to say I'm bi?' she frowned.

'I think it might be helpful for you to have a way to label yourself, but really labels can be very overrated. Helpful at times - like Lexa is clinging to the "maybe bi" because "maybe bi" is hope. You can be a full on lesbian Clarke...you can be pansexual...any kind of sexual...I mean...I don't know much about it...but it's kinda like Bell and I. We're born here but our dad was Filipino and our mom was Australian and really - we can say we're American, Filipino, Australian, the Blake's, Octavia, Bellamy...it's up to us to self-identify. But sometimes...it's helpful to provide certain labels to people, to clarify things. Saying I'm half Filipino will shut up anyone wanting to make shitty jokes about Filipino nannies. And sometimes labels help us self identify - you know, understand ourselves better,' Octavia explained.

'I mean you like boys right? Sexually?' Raven asked and Clarke nodded. She did. Not in a while, but yes, she had enjoyed boys sexually.

'And girls?'

'Well yeah...clearly there's something if I want to kiss and touch, enjoy sex and I have life fantasies about a girl...'

'Well, ok, so at the moment you're a girl who likes guys and is exploring her...appreciation for girls - one in particular. Keep it simple until you're ready to self identify or choose a label, and only if you feel the need. Even if you never say bisexual but "I like guys and girls" I'm pretty sure that would be ok,' Octavia shrugged a little, clearly figuring her thoughts out as she was speaking. Raven just nodded her agreement.

'Ok,' she agreed, her mind full to the brim. 'Bisexual could be a helpful term I think. To help me understand my feelings, and I imagine labels would help if I talk to my parents about this.'

'And whenever you're ready to use it, if you want to, we'll be happy for you,' Raven told her.

'I just don't get why everyone has gotta be something?' she mused with a pout. 'I mean we're all on some scale, right? And it's a pretty epic and complicated scale, and what with quirks and kinks and all the rest of it thrown in - why does it matter what anyone's into? I mean provided it's consensual.'

'Well it can kinda help in situations such as yours - straight is pretty different from open to all,' Raven pointed out and Clarke felt a begrudging smile.

'Though if I'd never been labelled as straight in the first place, there wouldn't be a problem either,' Clarke argued.

'Lets save the debate - you better reply. That text was Lexa baring her soul with her talk of life fantasies and self preservation,' Octavia nodded at the phone Clarke was clutching to her chest.

'Yeah, I know,' she agreed and looked at her phone. Clarke knew Lexa better than almost anyone and while she could be achingly vulnerable at times, usually it wasn't on purpose - it was a look, a muttered phrase that unknowingly revealed past trauma, or when she fell asleep watching a movie and curled in tight against Clarke's side. Lexa didn't knowingly make herself vulnerable often and certainly not to many people. She had done so when she told Clarke about her past - about foster care, being abandoned by her mother and the group home, when she'd kissed her, and now - sharing thoughts and desires that opened her up to potential hurt, sharing emotions that made her vulnerable. Clarke was careful as she text her reply, because Lexa was nearly forgiven, that part was easy, but things still needed to be sorted and there was still hurt that needed resolution. However, it was important that she first meet Lexa's show of vulnerability with one of her own.

 **Clarke** \- Ok, so that actually makes a lot of sense. I mean, especially knowing you. It's very sweet too. It kind of clears up everything actually.

 **Clarke** \- I've thought of some of those things too.

 **Clarke** \- And as we're finally being completely honest - going down on a girl - I don't think it would be gross. Not any more.

 **Lexa** \- Clarke, what does that mean?

 **Clarke** \- It means you were stupid to sleep with another girl, especially if you do love me.

 **Lexa** \- I didn't cheat on you, don't make it sound like I did.

 **Clarke** \- No, but you hurt me. I said our relationship was more. You said it was more. I made a mistake and you sleep with someone.

 **Lexa** \- If I thought there was any real chance, any chance at all I wouldn't have done that.

 **Clarke** \- Yeah, but I don't get that. You must have known there was a chance?

 **Lexa** \- When I went to New York, I was really hurt. You told your friends I fingered you. You told them I was helping you explore stuff. "Explore stuff" is not the same as "I have feelings for my best friends and we're working out what that means. Oh and we had sex." You told me you tell them everything and so I was convinced that was the truth. Combine that with my whole self-preservation ethos and I was a bit of a mess. I know you said sorry, said it wasn't true but I was really, really hurt. I felt like a fool.

Clarke felt her heart pound hard in her chest as she read Lexa's words. Her anger, what was left of it, faded away and she forgave her friend. She hated that Lexa had slept with that girl, but she understood and it felt like they were finally making progress, that there might finally be a way forward.

 **Clarke** \- Ugh, shit, you're right. If you'd belittled us to exploration I might have fucked someone else too.

 **Lexa** \- I hate fighting with you. I really hate it. I miss you so much.

 **Clarke** \- Sometimes I wish I'd never said anything.

 **Lexa** \- Don't say that. Ok so this is messy at the moment, and we're messing up lots but I do want to help you know who you are and I do want to explore our feelings together.

 **Lexa** \- I want to be brave and have the chance to be with you.

Clarke was surprised by the fresh flood of tears that Lexa's words prompted.

'What the fuck? What happened?' Raven asked instantly, eyes wide.

'She said she wants to be brave and have the chance to be with me,' she mumbled as she swiped at the silent tears, relief rushing though her, the anxiety in her stomach lessening.

'That's great, Clarke!' Octavia smiled widely.

'Text her back, text her back,' Raven encouraged.

 **Clarke** \- Is that you saying you'll help me work out what this all means?

 **Lexa** \- Yes. But you have to promise, promise our friendship comes first. I've practically drowned myself in booze I've been so fucking sad. I feel like my heart has been ripped apart. I can't lose you. Really I can't.

 **Clarke** \- You really love me, huh?

 **Lexa** \- Yes I do, but not just in that way. You're my best friend. I've never had a friend like you, someone who makes me feel as safe as you do.

 **Clarke** \- If it all goes wrong between us, for whatever reason I promise you won't lose me. I'm not saying it'll be easy to get back to the way we are now, but I could never hate you Lexa.

 **Lexa** \- I do trust you Clarke. I'm sorry I hurt you.

 **Clarke** \- That's ok. I'm sorry too. For everything that happened with Raven and O and for being so mad. Jealousy may have played a small role.

 **Lexa** \- Can I come over? Please

 **Clarke** \- You're drunk and it's too late to walk safely.

 **Lexa** \- Ok.

 **Clarke** \- I'll come back to yours.

 **Lexa** \- Really?

 **Clarke** \- Lexa, you can't lose me that easily.

 **Lexa** \- I'll shower (again) so I'm not a drunken, snotty mess.


	13. Chapter 13

**Clarke's friends ask her all about girl and girl sex over dinner and lots of drinks.** Clarke gets drunk and ends up singing Lexa's very lesbian version of Hakuna Matata. Lexa (who everyone is texting) is mortified. Thanks jaelle90 and the person who prompted this…remember my list is a mess. I'll add it soon…

 **Please read me:**

So this was chapter 11. The new chapter is chapter 12 the one before this. Chapter 11 was also new.

 **Chapter Eleven**

'Lexa is a total supporter of that particular theory - she's always getting mad when people disrespect the importance of history,' Clarke told Bellamy earnestly, fully engaged in the conversation about the role of history within the cultural psyche. Raven snickered into her hand. 'What's so funny?' she abandoned Bellamy to stare at her friend.

'Just that every word out of your mouth is about Lexa,' she told her. 'I mean it's cute. Kinda gross, but nice to see you so loved up.'

'I'm not loved up,' Clarke protested, but it fell flat because she actually was. 'She just has some interesting theories about history and we all know Bellamy does too...'

'She has a lot of interesting theories about music, makeup, performing, exercise, food, sex, newspapers, feminism, home furnishings, crosswords, life after death…'

'Fuck off,' Clarke swore with a pout.

'We don't mind you talking about her all the time Clarke. We like her,' Octavia told her with a soft smile, only a hint of mocking.

'She's just…' Clarke shut her eyes for a moment and thought about laughing conversations, pillow talk, soft kisses and heated ones, the magic moments lying in bed, skin on skin, Lexa's lips on hers before they trailed to her neck, fingers tracking patterns on the soft skin of her stomach before they tracked lower and trailed between her legs, until she begged Lexa to sink them into her, and fuck…that moment when she did.

'Just what?' Bellamy asked and when she opened her eyes all of them were staring at her with amused expressions.

'Amazing,' she admitted.

'You are a ridiculous puddle of mush,' Raven declared before returning to her phone, no one bugging her even though they normally banned phones on their nights altogether.

'It's sweet Clarke…to see you like this,' Bellamy said as Octavia also began to text.

'I want to spend more time with her…I mean if she's your girlfriend I should get to know her better…' Monty shrugged.

'Agreed,' Miller nudged her arm.

'She's not my girlfriend,' Clarke flushed, 'she's my…'

'Fuck buddy?' Jasper laughed gregariously.

'No,' Clarke shook her head, glaring a little.

'Friend with benefits?' Monty offered.

'No…she's like my best friend and more but an undefined more…'

'You're dating,' Bellamy told her patronizingly.

'I'm not out you know…I think I need to be out to be dating,' Clarke's brow furrows and she clicked the home screen on her phone so she could stare at the picture of Lexa she had as her background and screensaver. Lexa was being a total goof in it, sniffing flowers and rolling her eyes, but fuck she was pretty and those eyes - they constantly slayed her.

'You're not exactly in, either,' Miller said gently.

'Well no,' she ran her finger unthinkingly over the curve of Lexa's face in the photo. She was so beautiful. 'I'm working things through…'

'With the hottest girl on the planet!' Jasper joked, but Clarke just nodded in agreement,

'She's so hot…so unbelievably hot…'

'Even I think she's hot,' Miller smiled and Monty prodded his shoulder,

'Hey!'

'Not as hot as you of course,' Miller kissed his cheek.

'Aww look at our lil Griff, all starry eyed and obsessed with her phone!' Raven chortled.

'Says you who spent the last five minutes texting,' Clarke shoved her phone on the table.

'Your girl actually,' Raven waggled her eyebrows as she poured them all shots.

'Wait, what?' her head whipped to stare at her friend.

'Congratulating her on the total disintegration of your brain power via her sexual prowess!'

'My brain is just fine thank you very much,' Clarke glared.

'Sure, sure,' Octavia was smirking, 'I saw you caressing the picture of her on your phone.'

'Oh fuck off,' Clarke muttered.

 **XOXOXOXOXOXXOOXOXOXOXOXOXO**

Everyone was laughing and being stupid. Raven and Bellamy were flirting - as if the rest of them were dumb enough to not figure out they liked each other if they teased hard enough. They were currently ensconced in a childish drinking game, her and Octavia involved merely to deter suspicion.

'I can see your hand on Raven's thigh Bell,' she filled in tipsily, smirking in response to Raven's glare.

'I can see your brain on naked Lexa,' Raven sassed back, clearly annoyed that Clarke had noticed.

'So what if it is,' she shrugged, too drunk to care about discretion, 'she looks good naked. Really good!'

'I'll bet,' Bellamy grinned.

'Hey,' Clarke and Raven protested in unison before grinning at each other.

'Gonna deny it?' Bellamy challenged Raven with arched brows,

'Nah,' Raven shrugged and then turned to Clarke. 'So Clarke…'

'Yeah?'

'I think it's time to tell us all about sex with a girl…' Raven had a loud voice - it was nearly always loud and the request seemed to immediately capture the attention of everyone in the room.

'I can tell you about sex with a girl,' Bellamy joked and Raven gave him a scathing look and clarified,

'Girl and girl sex.'

'Hmmm, interesting…please do share Clarke,' Jasper was practically salivating.

'Go look on the Internet,' she felt herself flush, despite her inebriation.

'The Internet either has jokey articles, lots of written descriptions or porn,' Raven shrugged.

'Lots of porn,' Jasper echoed.

'Sounds like you know!' Clarke volleyed back and Raven rolled her eyes,

'You're my best friend Clarke - you start questioning your sexuality, you can bet your ass I'm gonna try and be informed!'

'That's sweet,' Clarke smiled warmly. It really was.

'Has she gone down on you yet?' Raven was clearly encouraged.

'Raven!' Clarke blushed wildly.

'Sorry…' Raven looked chastised. 'But has she?'

'Ah fuck it. We're taking it slow,' Clarke was drunk enough that she felt a hint of the giggles at the expectant faces around her.

'So finger fucking?' Raven asked knowledgeably.

'Don't girls use their thighs too?' Octavia tilted her head to one side.

'Their thighs?' Jasper scoffed. 'That doesn't make any sense. How's a thigh like a dick?'

'It's not supposed to be like a dick,' Clarke smirked. 'It's supposed to be like a sexy ass thigh.'

'How's a thigh sexy?' Bellamy frowned.

'You saying I don't have sexy thighs? You saying Raven doesn't have sexy thighs?' Clarke admonished, taking the shot Raven gave her and downing it.

'Of course you both have gorgeous thighs…'

'Well….fuck…' Clarke trailed off as she realized what she was about to say.

'What? Tell us…' Octavia pouted slightly. Clarke closed her eyes for a second, the world spinning a little,

'Well when you're rubbing against a beautiful thigh, or the thigh of someone you really like, it's really fucking sexy. And really, really easy to get off…well for me anyway…and for Lexa…'

'Hmmm,' Raven looked thoughtful. 'So what about the myth of the many orgasms? Fact or faux?'

'Ooh good drinking game,' Octavia's eyes widened. 'If something is fact Clarke drinks, faux we drink!'

'It's not Ask a Bisexual night you know!' Clarke muttered drunkenly.

'So you won't play?' Octavia pouted.

'You admit you're bisexual!' Raven's mouth had dropped.

'No…I mean yeah but no…' Clarke grumbled tipsily. 'I mean I probably am. But I'm not there on admitting it yet.'

'So can we play or not?' Jasper was rubbing his hands together enthusiastically and Monty punched his shoulder.

'Don't be a dick.'

'I'm not. I'm just really interested in this - for Clarke,' Jasper defended.

'I'm gay and I'm interested,' Miller admitted.

'Oh for gods sake ok. But if I don't know then we all drink,' Clarke clarified.

'Deal,' Raven nodded.

'Ok, shoot,' Clarke gave a nod of her head, the world tilting.

'Multiple orgasms?' Octavia asked immediately and Clarke downed her shot.

'More than with a guy? I mean any guy you've been with, can't speak for them all obviously…' Raven asked and shot a look of amusement at Bellamy as Clarke downed her shot.

'So many,' she half sang and her friends laughed.

'Is it true lesbians are vegetarian?' Jasper asked and Bellamy widened his eyes in annoyance.

'Dumbass,' he muttered already reaching for a shot, the others following suit.

'I'd just heard…' Jasper began.

'Dude you sat next to Lexa as she ate a burger!' Bellamy shook his head despairingly.

'My dad used to call those animal rights protester dyk...'

'Stop there, seriously...stop there,' Clarke held up a hand and Jasper flushed.

'My dad's an ass it's true,' Jasper admitted.

'God some one change the subject,' Raven requested.

'Has Lexa tried to fist you? I heard that Lesbians do that?' Octavia burst out and everyone's eyes widened as they stared at her. Octavia had to be drunk to be so blunt. Or at least Clarke figured she must be as she gaped at her friend.

'What the fuck is fisting?' Monty scowled slightly.

'Is that like one girl pushing her whole hand in the other and thrusting, cos that sounds painful,' Raven asked as if she honestly expected Clarke to have a clue.

'Err Lexa hasn't told me about fisting…but I find it hard to imagine girls would do anything that was painful or unpleasant - sex is supposed to be nice, right? Everything Lexa does is nice. If it hurt that would kinda defeat the point…well unless you're into the pleasure pain thing, I guess.'

'Everyone drink up,' Miller ordered. 'There's not consensus...'

'Actually you all drink and I don't because Octavia said "I heard lesbians do that" and that's a generalization right there. You can bet they don't all...so it's faux.'

'Girl argues soundly,' Miller agreed.

'Ask Lexa about it,' Octavia gave her a conspiratorial nod.

'Will do,' she agreed. 'Any more?'

'I heard lesbians don't like anything…you know in their hoo ha,' Raven tilted her head to the side, words slurred.

'A minute ago you were asking about fisting!' Clarke giggled. 'Weirdo!'

'And clearly Clarke doesn't mind,' Octavia rolled her eyes at Raven who was actually blushing,

'Ha no,' she agreed sheepishly.

'But Clarke's bi,' Jasper pointed out.

'Probably bi,' Monty corrected.

'Well?' Bellamy asked eyeing her shot.

'Drink up guys,' Clarke smiled, 'sexy Lexy likes my fingers. She likes them a lot,' Clarke thought of how she'd pulsed around them as she came and nearly moaned, missing her friends downing their shots.

'I'll bet she does,' Jasper leered and Miller play punched him.

'I'm sure there are some lesbians, like there's probably some heterosexual girls and bisexual girls, transsexual, pansexual and asexual and all types of sexual girls that don't like penetration, guys too… but I think penetration can feel nice whatever your orientation. I don't think that's orientation dependent. And Lexa likes it. Doesn't mean she needs a penis…just that she likes the feel of my fingers inside of her,' Clarke tried to explain.

'I bet she can find your g spot like a pro,' Raven looked decidedly jealous as Clarke downed a shot in response because that was definitely a fact.

'So do you guys, like, use a strap on? Isn't that the best way to do it if you like penetration?' Bellamy asked the question so bluntly that Clarke felt a swell of giggles burst out.

'Does that mean yes or no?' Jasper asked.

'Oh my god,' Clarke clutched at her stomach. 'Guys are so annoying…'

'Hey!' the boys in the room all protested.

'We can have amazing sex without a phallus for gods sake! And no we don't use a strap on. I don't even know anything about them…I mean Lexa hasn't told me anything about them yet. I mean I suppose we might, for something different, I think it would be extremely fun, but I can't imagine it's as nice as feeling your girlfriend wet against you…or your fingers in her, hers in you…' Clarke flushed as she realized the detail she'd just given.

'So who drinks?' Octavia asked.

'You lot!' Clarke chided, 'Bell thinking we need a phallus to get off. Sex can be sex without a penis.'

'Were you not listening during the thigh and finger section?' Raven asked Bellamy irritably as they downed their shots.

'I've got one,' Miller looked embarrassed despite the fact that he must have been pretty drunk to ever ask.

Shoot,' Clarke nodded, trying to keep her head clear.

'Oral.'

'That's not a question!' Clarke waggled her eyebrows.

'Lesbians are kinda into it, right? I mean it's all about…you know…vaginas?' he looked almost apologetic about the question.

'Hmm,' Clarke's brow furrowed. 'I don't know…I mean…I'm not entirely sure about vagina's but I'm still sexually attracted to Lexa. I mean oral seems to be a big deal to Lexa…she says lesbians like vagina…but I don't know…that was kinda when we were figuring out how to start all this and what it all meant and… Hmmm….she said some lesbians aren't into it. And maybe some like to give and some like to get?' she squinted a little. 'We haven't done that yet like I said…It's like…the thing I worry about. I thought it might be gross…'

'Not gross,' Bellamy interrupted.

'Lexa says that too. She really, really likes it…'

'But not all lesbians?'

'No. That she told me.'

'Fuck I'm drunk,' Octavia acknowledged as they all downed their shot.

'Anal?' Jasper asked. 'Girls aren't really into that right? I mean they do it for guys?'

'Oh my god Jasper. Faux. Drink up bitches,' Clarke laughed.

'You've done anal but not oral?' Raven punched her in the shoulder, but Clarke shook her head.

'Come on dude, there's like nearly seven billion people on earth and you can bet your sweet ass that some of the 3.5 billion women out there like anal, because women aren't that fucking giving! And I'm pretty sure there's plenty of lesbians up for it too. Not that Lexa and I have talked about it yet.'

Would you?' Octavia asked.

'Fuck if I know,' Clarke shrugged. 'Ooh, text from Lexa!' She zoned out her friends for a moment.

 **Lexa** \- I hope you're having fun.

'Clarke's such a dominator she'll have to try a strap on just to feel in charge,' Raven was saying. Clarke kicked at her as she text Lexa back.

 **Clarke** \- I'm a little drunk. Ok A LOT drunk.

 **Lexa** \- So dinner is going well?

'Oh come on - you're telling me the commander's not a top?' Octavia asked with a laugh. 'Hmm, not that I'm sure what a top is…'

'What is a top? We didn't ask Clarke about tops? Clarke,' Raven kicked her leg as she hit send on her message

 **Clarke** \- Yes. Everyone keeps asking questions about our sex life. A LOT of questions.

'We can help with that,' Miller said smoothly smiling at Monty. 'Tops and bottoms are about who, uh.. services who,' he explained succinctly and subtly.

'Well ok…but you're guys…and there's a clear servicer and a clear servicee - we're talking girls…they can service each other at the same time, right Clarke?'

 **Lexa** \- People can't ever seem to get over lesbian sex - the fact that we can manage without a penis. And happily.

'Right! Definitely at the same time,' she murmured drunkenly as she text Lexa.

 **Clarke** \- I'm not a lesbian Lexa, I'm bisexual.

She didn't mean to write it but was too drunk to really care.

'So how do tops and bottoms work between two girls?' Raven asked.

'Is like the Butch one the top and the feminine one the bottom?' Bellamy frowned.

 **Lexa** \- Ok, people are very interested in the nuances of girl on girl sex.

 **Clarke** \- I wasn't expecting so many…detailed… blunt questions. They want to know everything…

'For fucks sake Bell - who's butch, me or Lexa?' Clarke growled.

'Well neither,' he frowned.

'So you saying we gotta lie side by fucking side?'

'Ok that was dumb,' Bellamy conceded. 'So what's it mean?'

'What do you think it means?' she ignored her friends debate to read Lexa's text.

 **Lexa** \- You get used to it. Have they asked about strap ons yet?

 **Clarke** \- Yes! Bellamy did! Every one seemed very, very interested in the answer.

 **Lexa** \- Which was?

 **Clarke** \- Lexa hasn't told me about strap ons yet. :)

 **Clarke** \- I want to know about strap ons.

 **Clarke** \- And fisting.

 **Clarke** \- What is fisting? It sounds intimidating.

 **Lexa** \- When you're sober we can talk all about strap ons and fisting.

 **Clarke** \- And anal. That was Jasper.

 **Lexa** \- You have very nosy, slightly inappropriate, friends - what about the sanctity of what happens in the bedroom staying in the bedroom?

 **Clarke** \- Well to be fair with you and me it seems to happen everywhere - there is no bedroom!

 **Lexa** \- Haha

 **Clarke** \- And yeah, this is the friendship I have with these people. Far too close and slightly inappropriate.

'You guys are idiots,' Clarke interrupted the debate. 'Clearly anyone can be a top and anyone can be a bottom, and you can even be both…it's kinda who's the leader or you know most dominant in bed.'

'So with you and Lexa?' Raven's eyes were sparkling with interest.

'Well…we all know I like my sex and I'm an instigator,' Clarke smirked.

'So you're the top?' Jasper clarified.

'I like being fucked too,' Clarke waggled her eyebrows. 'You work it out.'

She's both,' Raven decided.

'You're telling me you think Lexa lets Clarke take charge? The Commander?' Octavia challenged.

'Lexa can be a fucking pussy cat,' Clarke smiled utterly amused.

'So when you say you like being fucked, you mean when you're with guys? Because a girl can't really fuck you, right? Well unless she has a strap on?' Jasper looked confused.

'Seriously?' Clarke rolled her eyes and gestured for them to drink. 'We fuck. That's such a stereotype - all girls do is cuddle or gentle getting each other off - like hell that's all we do! Loads of girls like it rough - sometimes or all the time - and that applies to all orientations. Girls can fuck other girls hard and fast, ok?'

'We got it Clarke, hard and fast,' Raven grinned wickedly. Clarke stuck her tongue out at them all and picked up her phone - fuck but she was horny with all the talk about sex and thinking about Lexa. Lexa fucking her hard and fast.

 **Lexa** \- Maybe we should start with oral before anal anyway?

Clarke's mind changed track and she imagined Lexa kissing down her stomach lower and lower.

 **Clarke** \- Hmmm, yeah. I think about that a lot you know?

 **Lexa** \- You do?

 **Clarke** \- At the moment I tend to think of you between my legs, your hair tickling my thighs.

 **Lexa** \- I want to smell you and taste you so badly.

 **Clarke** \- Lexa…

Clarke clenched her thights together needily, feeling her cheeks burn at the thought of the noises Lexa would make if she let her go down on her. Lexa was probably incredibly skilled with her tongue. She wondered whether it would be about pushing her tongue inside of her, or through her or what? The guys that had gone down on her had generally tried to emulate sex when they'd done it, all thrusting tongues…she could imagine Lexa doing that, but Lexa was so skilled…so incredibly careful. Lexa wouldn't miss the opportunity to lick through her, to thoroughly explore her, to suck her clit, to make her whimper and come apart. Fuck. She swallowed. She wanted that. Soon. Just maybe not yet. She hesitated before texting, oblivious to what was occurring around her,

 **Clarke** \- What if I'm not quite ready for that?

 **Lexa** \- Not a problem. When I feel you coming around my fingers my whole body pretty much cums with you.

 **Clarke** \- When you lick your fingers I always cum again.

 **Lexa** \- Fuck, I want to see you so badly. I want to fuck you so badly.

 **Clarke** \- Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Or so they say. I am not convinced there is any benefit to absence.

 **Lexa** \- I don't know how I could be any fonder of you.

'Oh my god Clarke…you turn any redder and I might think you're having an allergic reaction,' Raven began laughing.

'She's nearly an Oompa Loompa!' Octavia teased.

'Clench those thighs Clarkey, clench them,' Raven coached.

'Shut the fuck up all of you! It's your fault I'm thinking about sex.'

'The real question is what type of sex are you thinking about? Fingers? Thighs? Strap-ons? Fisting? Anal? Oral?' Raven asked and the others cackled, as Raven tapped on her phone.

'There really are a lot of ways for two girls to have sex!' Bellamy mused with a loud laugh. 'I mean we haven't even talked about kinks!'

 **Clarke** \- Ok, my friends are ruining this moment by laughing at me, and I know Raven is texting you.

 **Lexa** \- She's apparently my cheerleader. I think I better stop, Linc is looking all kinds of uncomfortable.

Clarke looked around the room drunkenly and saw Octavia curled over her phone, a blush on her cheeks.

 **Clarke** \- That's because Octavia is texting him! Don't be fooled!

Boobs,' Raven suddenly announced. 'We fucking forgot to ask about boobs!'

'I'm still here you know. Ask a Bisexual hour is still on!'

'Well thank god for that,' Raven gave an exaggerated swipe of her brow.

'In my opinion, if you're interested, boobs are the single greatest thing about a girl,' Bellamy stated, his eyes droopy from the booze. 'In fact in the world.'

'Oh my god you guys are all…' Raven began but Clarke talked across her in her haste to agree with Bellamy,

'I completely agree. Boobs are so amazing. I swear to god that life feels better with a boob in my hand. Seriously. I used to hold my own boob for comfort but holding Lexa's is like a million times better.'

'Really?' Raven arched a brow, somewhat sceptical.

'I swear. If you're feeling stressed or sad or whatever, just hold your own and see.'

'Even I like boobs,' Monty shrugged.

'Me too,' Miller agreed. 'Not sexually.'

'No,' Monty shook his head.

'Oh they turn me on,' Clarke shrugged easily. 'A lot,' she picked up her phone.

 **Clarke** \- Boobs Lexa. How come I'm so into your boobs? Do you know how fabulous they are? I want to kiss them right now, it's like I'm addicted to touching them.

 **Lexa** \- Well, personally I'm very into yours.

'What did you just sext?' Octavia scrambled closer. 'I mean from one sexter to another.'

'I'm not sexting. I'm telling her how amazing her boobs are. How much I want to kiss them and how much I like touching them.'

'Clarke, you're a very sexual person so I'm gonna assume it's cos you're a drunk ass bitch that you're pretending that isn't sexting.'

'Hmmm, I really like turning Lexa on you know O,' Clarke mused.

'I like turning Lincoln on,' Octavia agreed.

'You know they're practically brother and sister?'

'Yeah, I know,' Octavia nodded.

'So if we marry them it'd be like we were really family.'

'We're already really family.'

'Yeah, I know,' Clarke slid an arm around her shoulders.

'Seriously Clarke? Two vagina's not enough for you, you gotta add a third?' Raven quipped and Bellamy apparently found her incredibly amusing. Clarke smirked and grabbed her phone,

 **Clarke** \- Vagina, vagina, vagina

 **Lexa** \- What was that for? Its been a while since you triple vagina'd me?

 **Clarke** \- That's my brain at the moment. All I'm thinking about baby. I'm drunk and so horny for you. Triple horny for you.

 **Lexa** \- Not just drunk and horny?

 **Clarke** \- For you my lover, for you. I have no interest in Bellamy's penis, I assure you.

 **Clarke** \- Nor anyone else's vagina. Just yours my love.

' _When I was a young gay girl_...' Clarke began singing, feeling all full of love and sexy intentions, hugging her phone to her chest in lieu of Lexa, thinking about Lexa and her sexy face, and how really penis's were entirely overrated. ' _When she was a young gay girl_ …' she intoned in a deep voice.

'What are you singing Clarke?' Octavia was frowning at her, and rather drunkenly she put a hand on her heart and sang loudly and theatrically,

' _When I was a young gay girl_...'

'What the actual fuck?' Raven stared at her.

'Come on Monty…surely you know what to do?' Clarke stared at her buddy,

'When she was a young gay girl?' he asked with a frown, speaking the words as a question. Clarke nodded and continued with her theatrical performance,

' _I found my gayness lacked a certain appeal_

 _I could hear the comments after every reveal_ ,' Clarke belted out deciding her voice wasn't half bad.

'Nobody stop her, please, whatever happens I need to know the end of this,' Raven slapped a hand over Bellamy's mouth and grabbed her phone. Clarke grinned,

' _I'm a sensitive soul though I seem hard assed_

 _And it hurt that no one ever gave lesbian facts_

 _And oh, the shame_

 _I was untamed_

 _Thought that lovin' girls was strange_

 _But I was changed_

 _And I felt lighthearted_

 _How did I feel?_ '

'Oh my god I'm not sure I can cope…' Octavia was wheezing.

'Your girlfriend is a fucking genius,' Miller told her.

'The end, I need to hear the end,' Raven had tears on her face.

' _Every time that I…hey! Clarke! Not in front of your friends. Oh sorry. Vajayjay vagina!_

 _Ain't no passing craze! It means no penis for the rest of my days, it's my penis-free philosophy, vajayjay vagina!_ '

'Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,' Raven wheezed, 'I want to be gay so I can sing about my penis free philosophy.'

'Maybe it wouldn't be so funny if we weren't drunk?' Bellamy queried.

' _It's my penis free, philosophy…vajayjay vagina_ ,' Clarke sang again, Octavia joining in as Clarke's phone screen lit up.

'Teach us the words Clarke,' Octavia gripped her arm. 'All of the words.'

'Now,' Monty agreed.

'Right now,' Raven nodded.

'Sure,' she smiled widely wondering whether that last shot had been a good idea.

 **Lexa** \- CLARKE stop singing!

 **Clarke** \- But they want to learn the words Lexa.

 **Lexa** \- No, no, no

 **Clarke** \- Yes, yes, yes…haha that sounds like me in bed with you my beautiful lover…


	14. Chapter 14

Lexa goes down on Clarke for the first time, and then Clarke goes down on Lexa - or tests the waters so to speak.

So, remember in the bar when Clarke accidentally used the girlfriend word? Then when they arrived home at Lexa's, Lexa was really needy and basically began to have sex against the front door? She then begged Clarke to let her go down on her for the first time and Clarke agreed…we go from there…

Requested by several people but I messed up my list (sorry - feel free to credit yourself:) This is **explicit and** as always thanks jaelle90.

Love, love, love comments and feedback:) I may be feeling a little needy today cos that sounded suspiciously like begging!

And sorry about the stupid chapter reshuffling. No more! 11 and 12 are the fight about New York and resolution. 13 is now the dinner party with Clarke and her friends.

 **Chapter Fourteen**

'Please Clarke,' Lexa stared at her, 'please let me… just for a second, I promise.'

'Fuck…' it was insanely hard to breathe. She was still reeling from Lexa's fingers fucking her and the desire and desperation in Lexa's voice were doing crazy things to her body. She wanted Lexa's mouth between her legs, wanted her eyes to look up at her from between them, her eyes to fall shut as she focussed on the task. Her body coiled and released in a pulse as the pictured it in her head. 'Ok,' she whispered and Lexa was on her knees less than a second later, pushing her jeans further down, eyes locked on her goal, but Clarke didn't feel scrutinized - she felt like a piece of art. One summer she'd gone to Florence with her parents. It was so hot she kept getting heat stroke and she really wasn't used to the sheer numbers of people, but the art - the art had taken her breath away and countless times she'd just stood and stared, with much the same expression that Lexa had on her face - awe.

'You're so beautiful,' Lexa's voice was utterly sincere.

'I'm in love with vagina's too but I wouldn't call them beautiful,' she tried to sound sassy but knew she just sounded nervous.

'Don't be nervous,' Lexa told her and began peppering her thighs with kisses, each kiss featherlight but causing the nerves in Clarke's skin to spring to life. Fuck.

'I'm not, but I thought you wanted this?' She tried to sound chilled out as she encouraged Lexa by opening her legs just a little wider. Lexa looked up at her, eyes big and dark with longing and for a second they stared at each other.

'I do,' her eyes closed for a second, as she took a deep breath. 'If you're sure?' Lexa's eyes opened wide and she stared up at her and when Clarke nodded she dove in. Clarke wasn't sure what she was expecting, but she had kind of expected it to be the same as when a guy went down on her. It wasn't the same. Not at all. It was an entirely different experience and she whimpered loudly as her hips rolled forward into Lexa's face, her hands gripping unthinkingly at her long dark hair, tugging. Holy fuck, but Lexa's mouth was everywhere, doing indescribable things to her. Lexa wasn't even being particularly focussed, but fuck, she was enthusiastic and clearly loving every second, releasing these sexy moaning noises, and humming sounds as she licked and sucked her into an absolute mess. Clarke wasn't even aware of the sounds she was making, she didn't care, she just wanted Lexa to keep doing everything she was doing, to fucking live between her legs. Lexa's mouth was soft and warm, but firm and insistent in its touch, and her tongue? Clarke thought she might die from the skill of her tongue.

Clarke felt her body literally thrum and zing with feeling, as she instinctively ground down against Lexa's face again, groaning and moaning and when Lexa thrust her tongue inside of her and hit that spot she practically yelped,

'Shit…oh my god, oh my god,' she yelled, heedless of neighbours, heedless of her hands scrunching up tightly around handfuls of Lexa's hair. And then Lexa was pulling back, and Clarke couldn't understand why she'd do that, why when it felt so good and she was so fucking close to coming spectacularly.

'Should I stop?' Lexa stuttered the words, looking up at her, chin resting on her clit which was literally throbbing against it, her beautiful face covered in wetness from her.

'NO. Fuck no,' she didn't even think as she pushed Lexa's face back onto her, though she could feel her smile, 'I can fucking feel you smile,' she gasped as Lexa combined the hot warmth of her mouth with two fingers being pushed inside of her. She curled them hitting that place on her front wall as she sucked her clit into her mouth and Clarke lost it, 'fuck LEXA,' she wasn't quiet, not at all, moaning, groaning and whimpering as Lexa slayed her in the best way possible, until her body rippled with the strongest orgasm she thought she'd ever had, her eyes clamping shut as she practically yelled through the pleasure that felt like it kept coming. Her legs gave way and she pretty much fell onto Lexa's face, but the girl held her, undeterred as she continued to lick and suck softly at her sensitive flesh. Clarke didn't even realize she was saying Lexa's name again and again, not until Lexa slid her fingers out of her and she finally sunk to her knees, pressing her face into Lexa's neck, her brain swimming and her body euphoric.

'Thanks,' Lexa spoke reverentially as if Clarke had given something to her, which was fucking funny considering how she'd made her feel.

'Haha, you're thanking me…that's funny,' she mumbled and then pulled back to look at the girl holding her, trailing hands over her arms. 'You have a little something…' she teased, gesturing to Lexa's lips and face in general, her eyebrows arching in amusement and insinuation.

'Yeah…I kinda went at it,' Lexa flushed, and Clarke's heart beat with oodles of adoration and affection.

'So you enjoyed yourself?' she checked, all too aware of her own insecurities - Lexa had obviously enjoyed herself and yet she felt the need to double check.

'Hmm, safe to say I had the best time,' Lexa stood and helped her to her feet. Clarke pulled up her underwear but flicked off her jeans before heading to Lexa's comfy looking couch and falling on it theatrically.

'Come cuddle me,' she held her arms open and within a second Lexa was there snuggling down beside her. 'I feel boneless, like a rag doll.'

'It was a nice orgasm then?' Lexa asked and Clarke detected some insecurity in her best friend too.

'It was oh my god…amazing,' her eyes fell shut and just thinking about it made her feel moisture gather again between her legs. She opened her eyes wide and her blue eyes locked on Lexa's green,

'Guys have done that before…' she bit her lip and paused. 'Ok, so Ben, my first, he did that. And another guy and Bellamy…'

'Yeah?' it sounded tight and tense and Clarke saw a flicker of jealousy in her expression which didn't displease her.

'Hmmm,' she closed her eyes again for a moment. 'It was different.'

'Different how?'

'It was a precursor.'

'To what? Sex?'

'Yes. Instead of being the sex, it was something they did before penetration. When you did it, it was the sex,' she attempted to explain. The whole thing had just felt different. Never mind the fact that Lexa, even an enthusiastic, gung-ho Lexa, was a sex goddess, the whole experience just had a different feel - a closeness, a different kind of neediness, a different pleasure for both of them and there had been no rush. The end result had been all about her and Clarke had loved it.

'Of course,' Lexa shrugged a little.

'They made all the right noises,' Clarke explained, 'I mean especially Bell. They acted like they were enjoying it. Well not the middle guy, but he was a jerk. He said I smelt funny.'

'You smell so good I can't quite get over it,' Lexa brought their joined hands to her lips and kissed the tips of Clarke's fingers.

'The thing is Lex, I didn't enjoy it. I mean I made the right noises too because they were trying so hard, and Bellamy once managed to make me come, so it really wasn't all bad. But it never felt like that,' it was hard to identify exactly what was so different, and it annoyed Clarke a little, but it was probably as simple as the fact that it hadn't been about what would happen next. Lexa was doing it for her. Not as foreplay, but as sex. As an act of intimacy. It was beautiful.

'I guess that's a good thing?' Lexa asked uncertainly.

'It's a fucking fabulous thing. I mean, I know it might not always feel like that, but you really knew what you were doing…'

'Well you know…'

'And even though you were pretty gung-ho you weren't sloppy.'

'Sloppy?'

'Ben was sloppy.'

'Oh.'

'You also made me feel how much you wanted it. Does that make sense?' she tried to explain her feelings.

'Kind of?'

'Lexa, you can say if you don't get what I mean.'

'I don't.'

'You,' Clarke tapped her nose, 'were kind of desperate…'

'Desperate?' she flushed.

'Yeah, you were pretty much begging and it wasn't so you could stick your cock in me, it was so you could…you know…'

'Taste you and smell you and feel you come around my fingers and in my mouth?'

'Fuck, yeah,' she nodded - that was it exactly.

'You know that I don't expect anything from you.'

'I know that,' she nodded, because she did.

'So…can I do that again?'

'I might need a little break,' she giggled feeling wonderfully lighthearted, her body responding to the words.

'I meant in general?' Lexa smiled.

'Yeah. You can. I…uh…didn't smell bad right? I mean, I just finished work and…' she hadn't quite got rid of her old pre-Lexa paranoia.

'You did smell Clarke,' Lexa interrupted and she felt her cheeks turn red, but Lexa just pressed a kiss to her cheek, 'but it was good. You smelt of sex, and of you, and you in no way at all smelt bad. You smelt so good. I mean I'm really fuckingwet.'

'You are?' She trailed her hands to the waistband of Lexa's jeans, fingers toying with the popper.

'Yes,' there was a soft moan as Clarke popped the button and slid the zip down.

'Can I feel how wet?' she looked at Lexa, wanting to feel the girl, to touch her, to have the evidence of her arousal on her fingers.

'Hmm…yeah,' Lexa lifted her body and allowed her to push off her jeans. Her finger ran along the elastic of her underwear.

'How wet?' she asked again as she licked her lips and Lexa moaned,

'Getting wetter,' she sighed, her hips rising slightly from the couch. Clarke pushed her hand down into her underwear and pulled all of her fingers through Lexa, who was extremely wet. It made Clarke's body clench and she moaned along with Lexa at the sensation.

'That's really wet,' she pulled her hand out and stared at it, glistening in the light. The urge to smell and taste her best friends arousal was strange and unexpected, but as the pulse of desire beat between her legs she knew that she really, really wanted to. As her tongue trailed up her finger Lexa groaned loudly. Clarke let the taste settle on her tongue - Lexa tasted fresh, a little salty but really good. She liked the taste - a lot.

'Fuck, fuck, fuck,' Lexa hissed and as Clarke sucked her whole finger into her mouth aware of her lovers eyes on her, and then she watched as Lexa pushed her hand into her underwear, obviously sliding fingers inside of herself. So fucking hot.

'You taste good,' she murmured, eyes on Lexa's moving hand, her own clit begging for friction. She sucked another finger, 'you smell amazing too,' she watched Lexa thrust her fingers in and out of herself, moaning loudly. 'Keep going,' she urged and sucked the third finger into her mouth, tongue trailing around the tip before it disappeared inside. Lexa pumped hard and fast, as she watched her lick her fingers clean and when she came she moaned Clarke's name, in an unbearably sexy breathy tone.

Within a second, Clarke was straddling her, lips fused together and clawing at Lexa's top.

'I wanna hug naked,' she mumbled into the kiss, needing proximity and now.

'Ok,' Lexa agreed, pulling at Clarke's Copper Tank work tshirt and undoing her bra with a casual pinch of her fingers. She loved how Lexa stared, awed, as her boobs appeared - the girl had a big thing for her boobs. Clarke impatiently tugged off Lexa's sports bra so they were lying together, soft skin sliding against soft skin.

'Can I…' Clarke's mind was whirring, and she stuttered over the words, she just wanted more.

'What?' Lexa's hands grasped her breasts and squeezed softly.

'I just want to look at you. Down there. Would that be…uh…ok?' Her heart began to pound because this was the next step and she wanted it and was terrified - simultaneously.

'Yeah, ok, of course,' Lexa swallowed, and so she moved down her body and tugged her underwear down and out the way, not looking, but returning up to hug Lexa tight, eyes shut, seeking courage in Lexa's strong arms. 'Kind of hard to see with your eyes closed.' The soft tease made Clarke smile,

'I'm going to look now,' she rolled her eyes and pressed a kiss to the corner of Lexa's mouth before shimmying down her body again. The room was quiet and Clarke could actually hear the thump of both hers and Lexa's hearts. Then she looked between her best friends thighs, from where she was straddling her and grinned because Lexa had sculpted the hair down there into a fucking heart!

'Lexa, what the fuck?' she began to laugh.

'What?' Lexa leaned up on her elbows to look at her properly apparently unaware what exactly was so amusing.

'You made a heart out of your hair,' she couldn't stop giggling.

'My aim was to make it less scary and more friendly,' Lexa stated, not smiling but serious which just made it more funny.

'Oh it's definitely more friendly baby,' she lowered her head and pressed a kiss to the carefully manicured heart, feeling Lexa jolt at the sensation. 'I love you, you total dork,' she stared at her, still giggling, full of literally oodles of affection and adoration.

'I love you too,' Lexa smiled. Clarke wanted to look beyond the heart and slid further down, pushing her knees between Lexa's so the girls legs widened. She could hear the deep breathing of her friend, but was more intent on staring at soft skin, moisture and folds that were actually rather wonderful and pretty - a flesh and skin work of art. Lexa wasn't disgusting down there, not at all - she had vulva and a vagina and both were quite lovely. The skin was a little darker than elsewhere on her body, and it glistened because she was turned on. Clarke stared at the hood over her clit, at the small wrinkles of the skin, and she wanted to touch.

'You're really very pretty,' she summarized, dragging a finger through Lexa, then staring at the moisture on it before licking it again. 'You taste good too. Not like I thought, better than a man's cum.'

'Of course,' Lexa sassed and Clarke smiled again, aware that she couldn't try and make Lexa come with her mouth - not so soon after Lexa had done such a spectacular job on her - it was too much pressure. But she realized she did want to taste her - straight from the source. She wanted to feel how her clit felt on her lips, and she wanted to drag her tongue through soft folds. It was an impulse she'd never had before, but it was pretty damn strong so she heeded it.

'I'm uh…too nervous to uh…you know, right now, I mean after what you did so fucking well…but…' she lowered her face and pressed a kiss against her clit and Lexa didn't quite manage to stop her hips moving towards her face.

'Fuck,' Lexa's moan was a total aphrodisiac.

'And this,' she licked slowly through her, the taste strong on her tongue, and the feel of warm flesh a real turn on. Lexa tasted good and she felt good, and her whimper, the shift of her hips again, it drove her crazy in the best way possible.

'Clarke,' Lexa's hands gripped her hair, as she ended up pressing another kiss to the heart.

'That heart is simultaneously the cheesiest and sweetest thing I've ever seen.'

'My beautician made fun of me.'

'Oh I plan to make fun of you,' Clarke kissed it again, before pushing her tongue back inside of Lexa, because fuck, she tasted amazing, before trailing it up and over her clit, purely for the movement it caused in Lexa's hips. She wasn't disappointed.

'Shit, fuck,' Lexa growled as her hips pushed her into Clarke's face.

'I think…' She stared up at her, still between her legs.

'You think what?'

'I think I might need to experience a few more of your mind numbing, body destroying orgasms given in that manner, before I try it,' she gave a small smile, hoping Lexa would understand. She wanted to lick and kiss - the drive was strong, and she could feel her body responding to the idea, but she was too uncertain of her own abilities at that moment, and Lexa's skill was fresh in her head. It wasn't like she wanted to take notes about what Lexa did down there to make it so good in order to replicate that for her, but really she kind of did.

'Really?'

'Mmm, yeah,' she slid her body up Lexa's and kissed her. 'But I could definitely do it and it's not gross or anything. It's really fucking sexy.'

'Can I write a song about what just happened?' Lexa widened her eyes beseechingly and Clarke laughed because Lexa was the most adorable dork in the entire world,

'If you must,' she conceded.

'I must,' Lexa was staring at her with that same look she had worn when she first stared between her legs - awe. Clarke felt warmth flood her and snuggled closer.


	15. Chapter 15

_Set after Clarke stared between Lexa's legs but didn't go down on her…but tested the waters (so to speak). This is before the camping trip and includes the rest stop scene._

 _I feel like this is a three in one on the requests. Clarke realizing she's in love, talking and thinking about being between Lexa's legs and the rest stop scene. I'm sorry I'm not detailing who requested what (my list became disorganized and messy). Anyway, I hope people like it…an all original scene next:())_

 _The last bit is a little bit redundant and I'm sorry, but I had a bunch of requests for this scene:) It's not too long and like I said, all original scene next!_

 _Love all the reviews on this. You guys are the greatest!_

 **Chapter Fifteen**

'So you didn't go down on her?' Raven clarified, looking somewhat confused, the three of them lounging around Clarke's living room.

'No she did,' Octavia muttered, 'weren't you listening?'

'I'm sorry if I'm clarifying with the girl and girl sexpert here,' Raven shot Octavia a look of contempt and turned back to Clarke who could feel her cheeks burning,

'I'm not a "girl and girl sexpert,"' she huffed.

'Hands up if you've tasted a girl between the legs,' Raven half yelled and she and Octavia stared at Clarke pointedly.

'Hands up if you're dating a girl,' Octavia grinned and again all eyes landed on Clarke.

'Fine, whatever, I'm just not an expert. And that was the problem!'

'Explain,' Raven ordered.

'So Lexa went down on me,' Clarke explained, trying not to feel embarrassed, but flushing all the same.

'And?'

'It was fucking amazing,' Clarke explained with a hint of hazy longing which became a grimace.

'Why is having your girlfriend going down on you in a fucking amazing way, a problem?' Raven frowned.

'One, she's _not_ my girlfriend, and two, when I go down on her, I want it to be fucking amazing too.'

'Didn't you manage to make her come just from touching her boobs?' Octavia's brow furrowed.

'Well yeah,' she couldn't help but sound proud of that - she was insanely proud of that little fact, a small grin creeping over her face.

'Well surely you're not lacking in know how.'

'And I think general enthusiasm helps,' Raven offered.

'Talk to Lexa, I mean you talk about everything. I'm pretty sure she'd give you some guidance,' Octavia suggested.

'She would, I know,' Clarke sighed, 'but it's a big deal between us, and I just…really want to be good at it.'

'So how does a girl taste?' Raven asked.

'You've never touched yourself and licked your finger?' Clarke asked, and both of her friends stared at her like she was mad.

'No,' Octavia shook her head with a giggle, Raven just made an X with her fingers,

'Negative.'

'A girl tastes good, really good,' she bit her lower lip and shut her eyes for a second remembering the clean, fresh taste of Lexa - it was sexy, good. 'Well Lexa does.'

'That's a terribly unhelpful adjective - poor description Clarke,' Raven huffed.

'Men should not complain,' she tilted her head to stare at them and then flounced to her kitchen to get snacks.

'My man doesn't,' Octavia called after her.

'I don't ever hear you screaming through the walls though,' Clarke yelled back smugly.

'He's good,' Octavia defended.

'Lexa's better!'

'We all know that your girlfriend is amazing in bed, you never shut up about it. Doesn't mean everyone else is bad by default,' Octavia rolled her eyes as Clarke returned with an unopened bag of chips and a bowl.

'No one could ever be better than Lexa, and she's not my girlfriend,' she insisted, even though it felt like she really was.

'Yeah, because you never slip up and call her that,' Raven rolled her eyes.

'Why exactly are you opposed to calling her your girlfriend?' Octavia asked.

'I haven't…you know come out yet I guess,' Clarke curled into the corner of the couch, hugging Lexa's hoody to her body.

'I think all the sex you're having with a girl is a pretty bold statement,' Raven gave her a look.

'No, it's not,' Clarke shook her head. 'It's about self-identity. Well that's what Lexa...I mean I think it's about making a declaration to myself, accepting me and who I am... And maybe sharing with her.' .'

'And what do you think?' Octavia ripped open the bag of chips and tipped them into a bowl, grabbing a huge handful.

'Me? I think I'm bisexual, or I'm sexually attracted to both males and females,' Clarke said it and then smiled because she'd said it and owned it and it felt…normal, natural. 'And I think I'm in love with her.'

'Wow! Do you know how happy it would make her to be your girlfriend? She's so desperate for you Clarke. She looks at you like a puppy, all big heart eyes. She's so in love with you,' Octavia spoke carefully and Clarke knew that where Raven was all big, sometimes rushed statements, Octavia was more careful. Octavia had taken longer to warm to Lexa. Raven met Lexa's brashness head on, whereas Octavia had been cautious, always well aware of the differences between Lexa's interactions with Clarke, and Lexa's interactions with everyone else. If Octavia was urging Clarke to take the final step it was because she thought Lexa made her happy. Which she did. Lexa made her insanely happy. She'd had plenty of relationships, casual and serious and despite the fact that Lexa was her first with a girl, it was easy though never boring.

'I just…' Clarke hesitated.

'I just…' Clarke hesitated.

'Just what?' Octavia asked.

'I can't imagine telling my parents, like actually saying the words to them - introducing my girlfriend.'

'Oh come on Clarke. Your mom and dad are the best,' Octavia pishposhed the concern and it immediately annoyed her. Octavia was pretty close with her mom and dad, but it wasn't that simple. It was true that her parents were wonderful, but the thought of telling them that not only was she bi (they'd absolutely need a label, that she knew) but also hopelessly in love with a girl - it made her feel nauseous with anxiety. It was wrong that it did because it shouldn't. She knew she should be proud and all of that stuff that Lexa was so good at, but it just didn't always work like that. She was scared of their disappointment, even though she knew they shouldn't be disappointed, because loving someone of the same gender shouldn't be considered a disappointment - finding love full stop should never be considered that way, and yet she couldn't shake the image of her mother shaking her head, tears in her eyes as she explained, "I'm just disappointed is all…"

'It's not that I'm not proud to be with Lexa. I'm so proud everytime I'm with her. I mean she's gorgeous, and kind, a completely sappy dork,' she smiled as she remembered the heart between Lexa's legs, 'she's so freaking talented, and sexy, and wonderful.'

'But?' Raven prompted.

'I bet my dad would be ok with it,' she pursed her lips, 'I mean shocked and perhaps I'd hear the word "disappointed" from him in relation to grandchildren…'

'But that's bullshit. You could have kids,' Octavia burst out and Clarke gave a wry chuckle,

'Believe me, I know. My dad would just say it'll be more difficult and all that parental crap, but so long as I'm happy. For my mom, I guess it's just less conventional and my mom, despite her efforts to be a cool mom, can want things to be simple and conventional. I worry she'll just be disappointed in general.'

'So you don't think your dad will be a problem or your mom - not really - so what's the problem?' Raven asked.

Clarke sighed wishing she could just transplant what she was trying to say into their heads, understand how awful it was to fear parental disappointment over who you intrinsically were as a person and over who you loved, not because of who theywere, but their gender. Octavia who always seemed to get things, she was a huge fan of Clarke's parents, Raven too, and they seriously thought they could do no wrong. They never had understood any of Clarke's apprehension in relation to them, especially when it came to assumptions and expectations.

'So what is it?'

'Their assumptions. They've never once assumed I'd do anything other than marry a guy, than bring a guy home. They spent my teenage years joking about guys and fending them off, my dad particularly. All of that annoying dad crap that they pull with girls because you know, apparently we're infinitely more fragile and vulnerable than boys. I'm pretty sure parents of boys worry just as much as parents of girls, but not according to my dad or mom,' she scowled.

'I'm sure they didn't mean anything by it,' Octavia offered and Clarke knew she remembered the comments.

'No I'm sure they didn't. But they have this image of me and fucking girls, being in love with a girl, it just isn't part of it.'

'They're not going to be disappointed in you. In their ideal image of your future you're happy Clarke, that's it,' Octavia insisted.

'I just know they're going to find it hard,' Clarke attempted. 'Harder than they should.'

'I think you're worrying about nothing,' Octavia insisted.

'Yeah, but it's my thing to worry about. I have to find the words, and I just know they're going to say something about how if I'm bi, if I like guys too, am I really sure about Lexa, you know…am I sure I want a gay relationship…'

They wouldn't,' Raven actually brought a hand to her mouth in shock and Clarke appreciated it.

'Yeah, I think they would,' she caught Octavia's eye, 'they've liked the idea of me and Bell since we were kids, especially because they think we've dated.'

'They don't know it was just sex,' Octavia reminded Raven.

'They let him stay over when they thought something was happening and they were so fucking thrilled. My mom was picking out a hat!'

'A hat?' Raven asked.

'For the wedding.'

'Oh,' Raven nodded in understanding. 'Truth is Clarky, your parents don't get to choose who you end up with and you're not saying Lexa is it. You're just saying she's it for right now. Right?'

'Well I think so,' Clarke couldn't see not being with Lexa which was both exhilarating and terrifying. Her heart beat painfully in her chest when she thought about not being with her and her stomach turned uncomfortably. 'The idea of not being with her is awful. I would hate it.'

'Look, Lexa seems pretty thrilled with everything as is, so give it time, ok? Come out when you're ready,' Raven shrugged.

'I'm just scared. I'm fine with my friends…I just…'

'Maybe tell Lexa. Deal with your parents another time?'

'Maybe,' Clarke nodded, thinking about Lexa's face and how big her smile would be if she said the words - it would be beautiful. Lexa was patient with her but Clarke knew what she desperately wanted and she could understand it. Uncertainty, fear of loss - Clarke didn't function well with those emotions either and there was nothing worse than waiting - it allowed room for demons. Just as she recognized that, she also knew that she couldn't be rushed. Shouldn't be, because this was her journey. She was close. Maybe camping. She could write some lyrics for Lexa to sing, or a poem. She rolled her eyes at herself because she was no poet…maybe a haiku - they were short and simple.

 **XOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOOX**

Clarke was busy texting Lexa and she could tell something was up, because Lexa wasn't being as jokey or warm as usual. She didn't know what though. Perhaps it was because they wouldn't be hanging out the day before she was in the studio. It wasn't like Clarke didn't want to - she really, really did. She wanted to be with Lexa as much as humanly possible. But she had her dad's birthday.

 **Lexa** \- Is it a special birthday?

 **Clarke** \- No, but I haven't seen them in months. They're so busy. My mom is desperate to have me visit.

Clarke thought for a moment, wondering whether to invite Lexa. Maybe she would when they were camping. She wanted her there, that was an easy decision, but she knew she had to be ready to tell her parents and that meant being ready to tell Lexa. Heat blossomed in her belly at the thought. Both nervous and excited heat. Clarke knew she was bisexual - or that was the closest label to what she was. She knew it deep in her bones because Lexa was everything to her - mentally, physically and sexually. Her head flicked to them in a tent together, in a sleeping bag together, to sliding down Lexa's body, to putting her mouth between her legs, to feeling Lexa's thighs clamp on her head as she came. Clarke's body pulsed needily with the thought, a throbbing beat igniting as heat and wetness spilled out. Yeah, she was bisexual, and she had to tell Lexa. Had to let Lexa know so that things between them were equalized. She had to tell Lexa because it would make her her girlfriend and she wanted Lexa to be her girlfriend when she told her parents. She looked back to her texts,

 **Lexa** \- That's important.

 **Clarke** \- Bellamy and Octavia are coming up too. I think Raven too since she and my mom are close. They always celebrate my dads birthday with him, and as they're off.

 **Clarke** \- It's really lame. We eat cake, go for a walk and then play board games.

 **Lexa** \- I'm sure it'll be fun.

 **Clarke** \- There's usually a fight over who gets to be the car in Monopoly and a physical fight during Pictionary - it is fun.

 **Lexa** \- Are you coming over tonight?

 **Clarke** \- I don't want to wake you up and I need to pack. I really need to pack.

 **Lexa** \- I thought you were done?

 **Clarke** \- I just said that to make sure you were;)

 **Clarke** \- You want to head over to my place and be a delicious surprise waiting in my bed?

 **Lexa** \- I'm already in bed. Sleepy.

Clarke couldn't deny the flood of disappointment over Lexa not coming over to be in her bed with her. Lexa always made the effort.

 **Clarke** \- Ah, boo, I want you.

 **Lexa** \- I love you.

 **Clarke** \- I love you too. See you tomorrow. Sleep well gorgeous.

Clarke did love Lexa. Her heart pounded for her, beat out her name. She was starry eyed, in love with Lexa. She was unsure when it had happened, but with the thought of an empty bed that night she realized how much the girl meant to her, how utterly, hopelessly in love with her she was.

 **Lexa** \- You too xxxxx

 **XOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOOX**

Lexa was leaning her head on the car window, looking out of the window and away from Clarke, and Clarke was acutely aware of it. Acutely aware of Lexa's body language and the negative vibe hovering around her. Something was wrong, really wrong. Something had been wrong since the previous day, she knew it had, because Lexa hadn't come over to be with her, and when they'd picked her up she'd been stiff and unyielding to Clarke's affectionate hugs and leading kisses. Clarke was beginning to feel sick, because Lexa was in her own world, withdrawn and almost cold with her and she hated it, hated it so much because she loved Lexa. Loved her so much.

'You ok?' Clarke reached across and squeezed her normally cool hand, surprised to find it hot and clammy.

'Tired,' Lexa shrugged dismissively without even looking at her, and the pounding in Clarke's chest grew louder.

'Are you mad at me?' Clarke leaned closer, feeling tendrils of panic curl through her. Lexa stared out the window, expression tight as if she were just managing to hold it together, her beautiful green eyes fixed on the scenery.

'No,' Lexa shook her head, and Clarke wanted to wrap her arms around her and hold her because she looked so defeated, so heartbroken and she didn't get what had happened.

'What happened? You seem so sad.'

'Just tired,' Lexa tried to smile but failed abysmally. Clarke couldn't even manage a fake smile back, just stared at her with concern.

'Camping is going to be fun,' Clarke insisted softly, 'a cosy tent just for you and me, campfires, your guitar and voice, and Lincoln has Bellamy's canoe on the roof of his car.'

'I know,' Lexa said but her voice sounded all wrong, hollow and choked up and Clarke watched her swallow thickly and her eyes fill with tears that she was clearly holding back. Clarke wanted to protect her, make it all better. Lexa hurting was causing the most excruciating pain inside of her.

'Rae, can we stop for a restroom break?' she asked and Raven tsked at her,

'For fucks sake Clarke, what's wrong with your bladder? We're half an hour away, have you really gotta go so bad?'

'Yeah,' Clarke said and gave Raven a look in the mirror, eyes gesturing to Lexa's stoic and distressed form. Raven gave a curt nod,

'Ok, ok. I could do with picking up some Cheesy Pleasers anyway,' she agreed and Clarke squeezed Lexa's hand, hating that she didn't squeeze back. The jeep rolled into the rest stop and Clarke watched, devastated, as Lexa bolted from the car without a word and disappeared into the gas station store.

'What's up with the Commander?' Raven asked and Clarke bit her lip uncertainly.

'I don't know. She's so…fucking sad…'

'Go talk to her,' Bellamy urged.

'What if she doesn't want to be with me anymore?' Clarke clutched at her stomach. 'What if she's realized she can't be with me?'

'She's ass over tits for you,' Raven rolled her eyes.

'Seriously Clarke, the girl is crazy for you. Maybe something happened?' Bellamy shrugged.

'No this is about me…' Clarke tightened her arms around herself.

'Go Clarke, sort it. We can take some time, ok?' Raven reassured, taking her hand and holding it for a moment. In a second Clarke was blundering through the store, looking for Lexa even though she knew, deep down, that Lexa was going to be in the bathroom, not looking at magazines as if everything was ok. She knocked on the grubby door.

'Lexa,' she called softly but Lexa didn't answer. She knocked again and pleaded, 'Lexa, please open the door…. Lexa…are you sick?' Clarke ached inside, everywhere. Fuck but she was really deeply in love with Lexa. The realization wasn't new, but the weighty implication of it hit her hard and she felt a sudden desperation to solve whatever had happened before it was too late. Her brain felt foggy, as the feelings momentarily rendered her immobile, before she heard Lexa answer through her door,

'No,' her voice croaked from behind the door and it hurt Clarke to hear her sound that way.

'Please open up,' she urged. 'Please…'

'In a minute,' Lexa said and true to her word within a minute the door opened and she was stood there looking broken. Her eyes were red, and her posture slumped, but it was the utter devastation that really hurt. Clarke wanted to hurl herself at Lexa, wrap her tight in her arms and squeeze the sad away, but Lexa looked like it might break her and so instead she slid her hand into Lexa's warm one and pulled her through the store and around the back to the scrub land that was surrounded by dark forest.

'What's the matter Lexa?' she stared at her, desperate for some resolution, desperate to help her.

'Nothing, it's all good,' Lexa was trying so hard to be stoic, tilting her chin up in that way she had and staring over Clarke's shoulder. She felt herself slump, because Lexa could hold onto her emotions pretty tight and she knew Raven would be keen to get going.

'Lexa,' her voice came out soft, gentle, and she felt her throat ache with her pent up emotions, 'I'm not mad, you don't have to be ok. Tell me what's wrong, ok? I hate seeing you like this.'

'You mean you hate that I'm ruining this trip?' Lexa met her eyes, all defiant, but Clarke just stared at her full of love because Lexa wasn't ruining anything - she was clearly distraught.

Stop being so over dramatic- you're not ruining anything. You're clearly upset.'

'Anya and I had a fight,' Lexa relented her shoulders drooping, and her eyes falling to the scrubland floor.

'A fight?'

'Yes,' she nodded. Clarke couldn't see why Lexa would be this upset about a fight with Anya. Anya was always getting to her and it never upset her like this.

'What about?' she frowned.

'Just…you know, band stuff,' Lexa was still staring at the floor and Clarke knew it was all a load of crap,

'Don't lie to me Lexa,' she stepped up close, her face right in front of Lexa's, so that when she looked up their eyes locked.

'Fine, about you,' she admitted, but her eyes fell away and returned to the ground.

'Me?' Clarke felt her heart stutter, because if Anya didn't like her she wouldn't hold back from letting Lexa know about it. 'Does she not like me? Is that it?'

'She likes you,' Lexa reassured, 'she just doesn't trust you.'

'Oh,' Clarke deflated and stared at the ground as well because not trusting her might even be worse than not liking her.

'As my girl…she doesn't trust you, with what's happening between us,' Lexa clarified and Clarke's body grew so hot that she actually felt dizzy and worried she might faint.

For a few moments there was a tense silence and then she looked up and met Lexa's eyes, 'what about you?'

'You know how I feel,' Lexa sounded done and Clarke was terrified, unsure what might happen. She'd just realized that she was in love with her best friend. Heart stoppingly, forever in love and Lexa sounded resigned to unhappiness. It was all wrong.

'I know how you felt six weeks ago when we started this. I don't know how you feel now,' Clarke aimed for a nonchalance she didn't feel.

'I don't really want to talk about my feelings in the scrub land around a rest stop,' Lexa began but that wasn't good enough. Lexa wasn't even telling her what this was all about. What had she done that was so wrong all of a sudden?

'And I don't want to spend the rest of the journey feeling like I've done something wrong when I haven't.'

'Haven't you?' Lexa stared at her and Clarke's eyes narrowed in question, 'look I'm patient, I am. You know I would wait forever, but it's hard. Why aren't you my girlfriend? I want that. I feel like everyday my heart is under the guillotine and the rope holding the blade up is fraying, getting thinner over time because time isn't clarifying anything, it's just making the fact that you can't or won't admit what we are all the more obvious.'

That's not fair,' Clarke whispered overwhelmed by it all - the realization of the depth of her feelings and Lexa's confrontation - it was all too much and her body was buzzing.

'But this isn't fair either,' Lexa let out a deep sigh. 'I couldn't love you anymore if I tried. At least that's what I think until you do something unexpected, or smile, or crack some stupid joke and then I do love you more. I just don't know what you want. I don't know what I need to do to have you want to be with me properly, in the open, no holding back.'

Clarke kicked at the dirt as her eyes filled with tears that she brushed away when they fell, 'I just…sometimes I'm ready and then at others I need more time…'

'Time for what though? Are you still trying to decide if you're bi? Are you still trying to decide if you can be with me? Because you've been with me in so many ways and it's amazing. Is it not amazing for you? I don't understand.'

'Of course it's amazing,' Clarke stuttered - that was part of the problem - Clarke didn't think she'd ever be in love with someone else the way she was with Lexa.

'I just don't know what more you want, what you're waiting for?'

'I'm scared,' Clarke admitted honestly, voice cracking, and a tear running over her cheek.

'Scared of being my girlfriend? Why?'

'Because I can't imagine ever not being your girlfriend Lexa. And I never expected that I'd be with a girl, that I'd live my life gay,' Clarke burst out in a moment of unexpected honesty, expressing feelings she hadn't even realized we're bottled up inside of her - as she was filled with this tide of longing for her childhood - like a wave of nostalgia for all the things that were going to be different to how she expected, which was dumb really because she didn't even want what she had as a child, but still the feeling was there all the same.

'What?' Lexa frowned, looking stunned.

'I'd have to tell my parents and…' she heaved in a breath.

'And live gay?' Lexa stared at her, skin pale except for two red blotches on her cheeks.

'Don't be offended by that, please. I'm not trying to be offensive, I just…' Clarke began to explain.

'Being with me is a decision because being with me is being gay?' Lexa looked like she might hyperventilate or vomit, or perhaps both.

'You're missing the point - I want to be with you Lexa,' she attempted.

'But you can't quite commit because it means your life will be a gay life?' Lexa's voice was low and gravelly with emotion.

'It would be easier…' she began but Lexa interrupted, voice fiery and pained,

'If you dare say it would be easier to be with a guy, I'm leaving now, and fuck the fact that we're in the middle of nowhere.'

'Lexa…it would be easier…' Clarke wanted her to understand, but Lexa was staring at her horrified, like she didn't know her at all.

And even if you're with a guy you'll still be bisexual. We are who we are whether we accept it or not.'

'Then why are you always waiting for me to come out?'

'I'm waiting for you to accept who you are. It's not going to change it fundamentally but how you feel is important. How you see yourself is important. How you're willing to have others see you is important.'

'Lexa…' Clarke was ready to accept it to herself, especially when hiding it gained her nothing and only stood to lose her the person she cared about most.

'I get that it can be scary, I get that we're all different and the reactions of the people around us effect how easy we find it to be honest, but if you actually want the easy life with a guy, go now. Get in the car with Raven and Bellamy and go because to me…this,' she gestured between them, 'is worth a few difficulties. This is worth everything to me. Clearly you don't feel the same,' Lexa said the words and her face faltered before she visibly began to crumple.

'Lex…' Clarke's voice cracked, the tears pooling in her blue eyes spilling over.

'I'm not enough?' Lexa spoke the words aloud - and Clarke didn't even know where they'd come from but she instantly understood the conclusion Lexa had drawn - that she wasn't worth enough to Clarke, that she wouldn't come out for her. 'I'm not enough to come out for?' Clarke watched her suck in a breath after what felt like ages, her face red. She fell forward and gripped her thighs and Clarke felt like her heart was breaking as she watched the girl she loved fall apart because of her. She watched in horror as she sunk to the ground and in an instant she was ready, completely, and entirely ready. Ready to tell anyone and everyone that she was bisexual and that she was in love with a girl. She as ready because she loved this girl. Was in love with this girl and no stupid nostalgia, no pathetic concerns about the reactions of others, nothing was worth seeing her like this. Fuck, she couldn't care less about living a gay life if she got to be as happy as she was with Lexa. In fact she relished the opportunity. It was a stupid notion anyway. She was stupid. Stupid to have hesitated when she knew how she felt. Stupid to hurt her best friend like this. Stupid to weigh up an easy life (and who the fuck could ever guarantee an easy life) for a life with the most amazing girl in the world by her side. She was glad she couldn't see a future with anyone but Lexa. She didn't want anyone but Lexa. Whatever her sexuality was, and she knew she was definitely attracted to both genders, the truth was none of it really mattered - what mattered was the fact that she was utterly in love with Lexa.

'Lexa,' Clarke dropped to the ground, hands smoothing over soft brown hair, over sun bronzed shoulders, over skin smooth and silky.

'Just go,' Lexa mumbled.

'Lexa,' Clarke continued moving her hands, kneeling before her, pushing her knees between the other girls so she was close.

'No,' the word was whispered on a ragged breath.

'Lexa, breathe for me, Lexa,' Clarke ran her fingers over her beautiful face, over arched cheekbones, sculptured eyebrows and beautiful plump lips. 'Lexa,' Clarke gripped her face gently, 'look at me,' she ordered and watery green eyes, stunning mossy green eyes that had always dumbfounded Clarke, locked onto hers.

'I…' Lexa panted.

'Lexa, I'm bisexual. I'm in love with you and I want to be your girlfriend. Ok?' She whispered.

'What?' Lexa's lashes fluttered erratically over her eyes.

'I'm bisexual, in love with you and I want to be your girlfriend,' she repeated and shook her slightly, 'breathe Lexa,' she shook her gently again, and she finally took in a lungful of air, then another, slowly, her eyes, filled with uncertainty, finally focussing on Clarke.

'Clarke?' the whisper was awful and Clarke wanted to kiss the doubt away.

'Maybe it would be easier to be with a guy but I don't want a guy. I want you. I want to be your girlfriend. I want you to be mine. I'm coming out, self-identifying, whatever it is you need to know I'm serious,' she felt everything lighten as she said the words, she felt relief, utter, fucking relief to have said it, to be who she was and to be saying it, admitting it out loud to herself and this amazing girl.

'Huh?' Lexa stared at her, looking stunned. In fact she was looking at Clarke like she was the only thing in the universe she wanted and it made Clarke's body burn in an extremely pleasant way, and her heart feel full and wonderful. Lexa's mouth then dropped open and she gaped uncertainly.

'Lexa, I want to be with you properly. I want to be your girlfriend. To plan for things. Have "in a relationship with Lexa Woods" on my Facebook page, boast all over my tumblr and Twitter that I'm yours and you're mine. I'm nervous to tell my parents, fucking terrified in all honesty but I do want them to know who I am. I don't want to hide who I am. I want this,' Clarke reached out and peeled Lexa's stiff hand away from where it was gripping her middle, and she carefully, patiently threaded their fingers together.

'Clarke?' the name broke in half as it fell from Lexa's lips, fat tears spilling from emerald eyes.

'I'm sorry ok? I should have said it before now. I knew, I was just…I don't know, finding my courage? Which is stupid, because whether I'm with you or not, I'm in love with you and I'll still be bisexual - like you said. And I want to be happy and you make me happy.'

'I do?'

'Yes,' Clarke sighed, and released Lexa's hand, stepping up close and brushing her thumbs through tears, and pressing a small chaste kiss to her lips. 'When I imagined telling you, you were always much happier than this,' she offered with a little smile.

'I'm happy…I just. Is this because I got upset? I don't want to force you into….'

'Would you listen to yourself?' Clarke shook her head, 'do you really not get how amazing you are?'

'I get how amazing you are,' Lexa shuffled closer to her and Clarke felt her body thrum with relief as their fronts smooshed together,

'You're sweet, and funny, ridiculous and dorky. You're kind, protective, and talented. You're so fucking sexy and have this ridiculously tough exterior which is adorable because inside you're mush. Mush for me and I love it. I've never been happier. This has nothing to do with you getting upset or anything…I mean don't laugh or anything but…' she paused, her cheeks pink.

'Laugh?'

'I have been planning to do this for a while now…tell you…and I just…I needed time because it's a lot, and I had to find my courage. I needed to feel ready.'

'What's different?'

'I didn't realize how much I was hurting you. That's dumb and naive I know, but you've been happy. And you didn't push. I thought I could take the time. I wanted to be confident enough to have a little coming out party - I had it all planned in my head.'

'You did?' Lexa was staring at her, her eyes practically morphing into hearts and it emboldened Clarke,

'Yeah, either back home or I thought about when we're camping, around the campfire. I even started writing lyrics for you to sing, but it ended up as a haiku,' she blushed a little as she thought of the badly composed haiku she'd written in her head the previous night while falling asleep.

'Really?' Lexa looked so uncertain, so cautiously optimistic but her hands landed on Clarke's hips and it felt like everything she wanted.

'Yeah. Lexa, I love you. The way you love me.'

'Fuck,' Lexa swore so bluntly, her head resting against Clarke's as she sucked in several deep breaths.

'I even knew exactly how we would celebrate after,' Clarke spoke in a soft voice, feeling a rush between her legs and a swoop in her stomach as she thought of her face between Lexa's legs, as she thought of tasting her again, of making Lexa feel worshiped and adored.

'Yeah?' Lexa looked so beautiful, so hopeful.

'Yeah. I think you would have really liked it,' Clarke teased.

'We can pretend this never happened,' Lexa offered with a small smile. 'You can do your haiku later and we can celebrate…'

'You really want to do that?' Clarke bit her lip and smiled when Lexa tugged her closer.

'No, hell no…But I want the fire, I want the poem and I want the celebration.'

'Hmmm,' Clarke brushed a kiss against her mouth, 'OK. I'll do it,' she kissed her again and then Lexa was pulling her close in a fierce hug.

'You guys good to get on the road?' Raven's voice broke them apart and Lexa sighed looking happy and content. Clarke took her hand,

'Just having a moment with my girlfriend,' she said casually as if it weren't a big deal. Bellamy and Raven's ridiculously huge grins indicated that they knew it was.

'All good now?' Bellamy bumped his fist into Lexa's bicep supportively as she walked past, and it didn't even annoy her.

'All good,' Lexa agreed and Clarke smiled.


	16. Chapter 16

_angel_v7 requested I didn't skip the celebration of Clarke finally coming out. I did the first night and day from Lexa's POV, so here is the second night from Clarke's. We start with everyone sat round the campfire making s'mores._

 _Thank you to everyone who reviews or simply reads:) Soecial thanks to Jaelle90 for helping proof and MeNemNesa for all the insightful words!_

 _I love the reviews and fembark in general. And this is explicit and kinda silly:)_

 **Chapter Sixteen**

'What is the matter with you?' Clarke was sat on the ground in front of Lexa who was sat behind her on a log. She swivelled around on the dirt because her girlfriend was making some distressed little squeaking noise. There was a perfectly good camping chair, in fact they each had one, that they could be sat in but the log allowed her to sit between Lexa's strong, firm thighs, with her girlfriends arms tight around her waist - well that's where they were when they weren't toasting marshmallows.

'The marshmallow sticks to the roof of my mouth,' Lexa mumbled, frowning at the s'more Clarke had made for her that she'd just taken a large bite of. She was making a ridiculously displeased face as she tried to dislodge some of the marshmallow. In one hand she held the sticky treat, but Clarke watched as she pressed the thumb and index finger of her other hand together, apparently marvelling at the tackiness the melted marshmallow had. 'You eat it, you eat it,' she thrust the sticky mess at Clarke who gave her a grin, Lexa did look adorable after all, and gladly took it from her fingers and popped it in her mouth. 'Ugh, the stick is everywhere. I preferred just drinking to this madness,' Lexa complained apparently unwilling to even lick the stick from her fingers. As well as never having gone camping, it turned out that Lexa had never eaten a s'more either.

'You would! And we're still drinking,' Clarke rolled her eyes, the same absurdly smitten smile still on her face. 'Do you want to try a plain marshmallow?'

'Absolutely not. I need to wash my hands Clarke,' Lexa whined softly and Clarke giggled,

'You know where the restrooms are,' she gestured into the inky abyss, loving Lexa's scowl.

'I don't want to go alone,' the pout was enough to have Clarke weakening. Her girlfriend was quite simply amazing and she was utterly entwined around her little finger, not that she'd ever let Lexa know that. Well not to what extent. But still, she wanted more than a pout,

'The bears and raccoons will keep you company Commander,' she gave Lexa her best saucy look, throwing in a wink for good measure, and was not disappointed because the jawline on that girl when it tightened - fuck.

'Fine, I won't bother washing them,' Lexa gave her a downright devious look and slid her sticky hands under Clarke's shirt, pressing the pads of her fingers down and then pulling them off, demonstrating the marshmallow stickiness.

'Lexa, ugh...you're annoying,' she stuck out her tongue and Lexa smiled that smile of hers, the truly happy, relaxed, everything is amazing smile and Clarke suddenly didn't care about marshmallow on her tummy, Lexa could lick it off later, she just wanted to kiss her and tell her she loved her.

'What?' Apparently Lexa was expecting protest and a squirming girlfriend (God but Clarke loved that she was her girlfriend), but instead she was obviously just staring at her with hooded eyes as she marvelled at her beauty and the utter luck that such a wonderful person existed, and that she had somehow managed to stumble upon her when she was desperate to pee at some party she should never have been at. Fuck - she was a little drunk, and sober her had known that they really needed to stop having celebratory sex and being an insular little twosome, but drunk Clarke wanted Lexa. Badly. She tilted her head back and waggled a finger. Lexa lowered her head and pressed their lips together, clearly thinking it was kissing time. Which it was, but she wanted more than kissing. She broke the kiss and using her hands pulled Lexa's head closer so that her cute little ear was right next to her lips,

'Wanna go have a shower? Clean off the stick?' she whispered before sucking that perfect little ear lobe into her mouth. Even in the semi darkness she could see the slight flush on her girlfriends face. Yes, she had apparently decided to mentally think of Lexa only as her girlfriend, because she was. Hers. No one else's. All hers. 'You have extremely pretty ears Lexa,' she pressed a soft kiss to it. She heard a soft moan and smiled to herself.

'Hmm, yeah, ok, let's go...' Lexa stood abruptly, apparently strong enough to push herself to standing and drag Clarke with her. Clarke giggled, because to be so strong and so sexy was utterly outrageous, then to throw in beautiful, talented, kind, mushy and wonderful...

'It's kinda funny that you don't like marshmallows when you are totally mushy just like one,' she teased and was rewarded with yet another pout. 'Don't even argue with me, I wanna go have shower sex. And I'll win. You know I will.'

'Why will you win?' Lexa asked indignantly.

'Because you're mush.'

'Are you saying I have no back bone?' Lexa's hands found her hips, and she looked fierce. Instead of being worried, Clarke was just turned on.

'Oh you have an amazing backbone, regal as fuck, fierce, scary, indignant at times, and you're not a pushover, nope, but you like to make me happy,' she gave Lexa her best sunny smile and Lexa melted like crayons in the sun on a hot summers day,

'You happy makes me happy.'

'And you happy makes me happy,' Clarke cooed.

'You two happy is painfully sappy,' Raven filled in from behind them.

'Makes them behave utterly dappy,' Octavia grinned.

'And all because Lexa complained the marshmallow made her fingers tacky,' Bellamy spoke theatrically and then grinned widely. Clarke watched Lexa shoot them all her fiercest, "fuck off" glare.

'Watch out, watch out, Lexa's gonna get scrappy!' Clarke couldn't resist.

'Clarke,' her girlfriend protested and Clarke turned to give her a warning look, because if she knew what was good for her she'd finish her sentence wisely, 'ugh, we need a shower, let's make it snappy!' she deadpanned and clicked her fingers. Clarke laughed with delight,

'We're off to the restroom but not for a crappie,' she winked at her friends gregariously.

'Uh oh, Clarke wants Lexa in her lappy,' Lincoln said with a cautious look at Lexa and after an elbow in the ribs from Octavia.

'If looks could kill, Lexa's death stare would sure be zappy,' Raven warned.

'You really gonna go just cos you didn't like the appy?' Octavia frowned, holding up her s'more and pointing to it.

'Don't eat the marshmallows but stay and be rappy!' Bellamy nodded at her guitar.

'Ugh, but you're all so yappy,' Lexa complained with faux annoyance and Clarke kissed her.

'I think you guys better go before you go and get slaphappy,' Raven waved them off and laughing they snagged their wash bag from the table, and their towels from the makeshift washing line Raven had rigged up (probably superior to most people's permanent washing lines. Clarke grabbed Lexa's hand and then they were tripping into the darkness in the general direction of the restrooms.

Lexa, thanks for that. It made me very...'

'Don't you dare!' Lexa warned and Clarke was sure she'd have been giving her a stern look if she could have seen her in the darkness.

'Happy...' she whispered and then the breath was taken from her as Lexa some how managed to scoop her up and throw her over her shoulder and begin tickling her mercilessly. 'Oh my god,' she was howling with laughter, partly from the tickling but mostly at the situation, because Lexa was being a goof and she loved it.

'You better be planning on some seriously naughty shower sex for that shambolic, lyrically and intellectually inept rhyming session!' Lexa started smacking kisses all over her side which was somehow in her face, what with the weird fireman's lift. Clarke reached down and shoved her hand down the back of Lexa's shorts pinching her butt cheek,

'Fuck yeah I am, you're so sexy,' she lightly bit some part of Lexa's back, unsure what part due to the darkness and cause her girlfriend to squeal.

'Here we are, feel free to ravage me,' Lexa stated and Clarke giggled, bundling the, both into the shower cubicle and slamming the door and locking it. 'Can I just say how relieved I am that this shower block is so clean?'

'Not for long,' Clarke sassed back biting her lip at Lexa's quizzical expression, 'I plan on being really dirty,' she explained and reached forward and turned on the shower. 'Now strip,' she ordered and stared expectantly at Lexa, who hesitated for a moment before peeling off her top, her bikini top, her shorts and bottoms, before kicking off her flip flops and stepping under the warm water. Clarke stared at her, finding herself once again marvelling at the utter perfection of her girlfriend. The slightly paler ass, shining with water, those tanned legs, her back and fuck her tattoos. She began to fling off her clothing with a renewed desperation, frustrated as she got tangled in her top. 'Lexa,' she mumbled and Lexa turned and laughed loudly before moving out of the warm spray to assist her. Lexa was dripping water all over her clothes but neither of them cared, especially when she began to press wet kisses to her neck and then lower, kissing her boobs, twirling her tongue over nipples and then down to her stomach. Clarke found a soft moan escape her, and rather than protesting she pushed Lexa lower. What the fuck was wrong with her?

'In the water,' Lexa ordered, and nabbed her bikini top from the hook where she'd hung it. Clarke momentarily wondered what it was for as she shimmied out of shorts and underwear, but then Lexa was on her knees, the material of the bikini protecting them from the tiles of the shower stand, and she was gripping at her ass and holy fuck, but her tongue was doing something sinful and wonderful. Her head hit the tiles, cold despite the warm water, and she had two fistfuls of dark hair as her hips bucked her closer to the warm mouth and Lexa's tongue which was unspeakably skilled in the way it tortured her clit.

'Holly fucking crap,' she moaned, widening her legs as her body began to tighten and zing and travel way to fast towards the hedonistic feeling of bliss that Lexa's mouth between her legs caused. The warm cascade of water just seemed to make everything feel more sensual, with the way the needles of spray hit her chest and her sensitive nipples. She looked down and groaned because Lexa was soaking wet, skin shining beautifully despite the crappy light of the shower block, a light that made her look almost ethereal, with her wet dark hair, a shiny curtain on her back, her beautiful face the picture of reverence as she sucked and licked with her eyes shut tight. Then Lexa pushed two fingers inside of her, curling them just so and Clarke felt her knees give out as she came, unexpectedly hard and fast, but Lexa had her, kept her upright, slowing her movements to ease her through it. 'Fuck,' she tugged her girlfriend up, wrapping her arms around her and burying her face in her neck. 'I'm the marshmallow, a melted one at that...'

'Hmmm,' Lexa murmured and kissed her, softly, tenderly. 'You're sweeter than a marshmallow...prettier too... And smarter...'

'I can barely stand...'

'It's ok, you don't have to...you know,' Lexa shrugged a little and Clarke realized she was saying Clarke didn't need to get her off, that it was ok to cuddle. The rush of affection overwhelmed her a little, and she squeezed Lexa tighter and pressed sloppy kisses to her neck.

'Well, you do remember why we came here, right?'

'To have sex?' Lexa frowned, clearly thinking it was a trick question.

'Well, we actually came here because you smiled. That made me want to have sex...but yeah, the marshmallow stick on your hands...that was our cover, right?' she released her girlfriend and unzipped their wash bag (theirs) and pulled out the shampoo, conditioner and body wash Lexa had decanted into small manageable travel containers with neat labels. God Lexa was a total meticulous dork, but she loved her. She squirted some shampoo onto her hand and moved back in front of Lexa. 'Can I wash you?' she asked and Lexa looked confused, and slightly bemused.

'Wash me?'

'Yeah. It'll be nice.'

'But I can wash myself,' Lexa stated and Clarke wondered if Lexa had ever had anyone take care of her. The thought made her insides ache.

'But I want to,' she pressed a kiss to one fine cheekbone and then the other, and she brought her hand with the shampoo up and using both hands gently began to lather it through Lexa's thick hair, being sure to rub her fingers firmly on her head.

'Hmm...' Lexa practically purred, her eyes falling shut and Clarke smiled to herself, making sure to gently rub every part of her scalp before pushing her more fully under the spray of water to rinse. She grabbed the conditioner as Lexa rinsed out the shampoo and squirted a generous amount onto her hand. 'That felt lovely,' Lexa's eyes were wide and wonderfully innocent.

'I'm not done,' she grinned, and gently rubbed the conditioner through the dark strands of hair. This time when Lexa rinsed, she followed her into the stream of water and kissed her, softly, gently, lovingly. When Lexa's hands found her hips, she stepped away and grabbed the body wash, pouring a good amount into her hands and lathering it up. 'Tie your hair up,' she told Lexa, who grabbed a hair tie from the wash bag and pulled the wet mass of her hair into a loose bun. Then Clarke was smoothing her hands up Lexa's spine, down her arms and then back, curving them over her ass and down each leg, before returning to her spine, trailing the pads of her fingers up each notch, around each swirl of her tattoo, before turning her and kissing her. The kiss was deeper this time, more heated and Lexa's hands were everywhere on her bare skin. But she stepped back again, and cleaned Lexa's toned stomach, her ribs, before sliding her hands over firm, perfect breasts, her thumbs brushing the nipples far more times than necessary, as she squeezed and rubbed.

'Fuck,' Lexa's soft curse was an utter aphrodisiac, and so she trailed her hands to soft thighs, running them up and down, up and down, before trailing her hand between Lexa's legs. The soap was all gone by this point, so when Lexa groaned, her hips bucking slightly at the contact, she slid a finger through her, over her, before sliding it into her, her thumb rubbing firmly on her clit. Lexa was more worked up than she'd realized. She was wet, not from water, it was a different kind of wet, slippery, slightly thicker and it coated her fingers. She added another finger and curled them, moving them in and out with more intent, a harder thrust in, and a faster movement out. Lexa's hand found her boob and she squeezed it, rolling the nipple, all urging Clarke on. It was silly because she didn't need the urging, Lexa turned her on, turning Lexa on turned her on. Lexa's hand trailed down her boob and was heading between her legs, and even though the thought of those skilled fingers sliding inside of her had Clarke's body clenching, she caught the hand and threaded their fingers together.

'I want to,' Lexa moaned, her hips driving into Clarke's hand.

'Not this time,' Clarke kissed her, still pumping her fingers and using her thumb to torture her clit. She felt Lexa begin to tighten, her hips meeting every thrust and those sexy little whimpers and moans letting her know the girl was close, but instead of allowing it she stopped, pulled out her fingers and took her thumb away. Lexa gasped,

'Clarke...fuck...what?' she looked sweet and bewildered, her hips still moving. Clarke laughed softly and dropped to her knees, immediately capturing Lexa's throbbing clit with her mouth, before sliding her fingers back inside of her. The noise from her girlfriends mouth was loud and sinful, and it made her own body throb, as pulled out her fingers so she could push her mouth closer, so she could lick and taste and torture and create more of those noises. She remembered Lexa's advice, but she didn't want her to come too soon, she was having too much fun. It was only when the girl started to beg, began to clutch at her hair and bear down against her face that Clarke took pity, pushing her fingers back in and curling them, as her mouth and tongue sucked and licked at her clit. Lexa came hard, her orgasm lasting as she practically shouted a stream of expletives, her hands tugging almost painfully on Clarke's hair, but then she was melting, begging her to come up and hug her tight. Lex held her close, face in her neck where she sniffed.

'Are you ok?' Clarke felt suddenly concerned because she was fairly convinced Lexa was crying.

'Hmmm, yeah of course,' Lexa sniffed again without raising her head.

'I don't believe you,' she pulled back and caught Lexa's eye.

'I just...that was nice is all,' she admitted with a shrug, chin raising, as if to broker all discussion over whether or not she was upset.

'Hey...you don't need to be brave for me,' she cupped Lexa's face, tilting her chin back down. 'Was that too much?'

'No, I just...no one has ever...been so gentle and kind and you know washed me...taken care of me...'

'I didn't think so,' she didn't see much point in pretending that she hadn't worked that out. 'I plan to take care of you, you know? And I plan on being gentle and kind always...I mean yeah I'll fuck you too, but you know...'

'I know,' Lexa sniffed again. 'Are your knees ok?'

'My knees?' she frowned, 'oh god, of course they're fine,' she rolled her eyes. Trust Lexa to be worrying about her as she stood there sniffing. 'I'm wonderful.'

'Me too.'

'And I was going for spectacular - rather than plain old nice,' she grinned as she kissed the corner of Lexa's mouth.

'You know it was...fuck...amazing...' Lexa's eyes shut briefly and Clarke chuckled, kissing her quickly before she grabbed the body wash and cleaned herself, watching Lexa's eyes follow her hands.

'I'd let you do this for me, but this shower is getting colder and colder...'

'Hmmm,' Lexa nodded but didn't move her eyes from where Clarke's hands were cleaning her boobs.

'Eyes up here sexy Lexi,' she teased and Lexa flushed a little and looked at her eyes. 'I love you.'

'I love you too.'

 **XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

Clarke gripped Lexa's hand tightly, the wash bag clutched in her left so she could swing it should the need arise. They had only wondered a short way back into the forest on their way out of the shower block before a noise had caught their attention. A noise Clarke didn't like the sound of.

'We should have just stayed in the shower block,' Lexa was shaking in the cool night air, as they both tried to ascertain where the snuffling, snorting and crunching noise was coming from. Clarke was fairly certain it was a bear. It sounded too big and loud to be a raccoon. And she didn't want to walk into it and yet she wanted her tent and her sleeping bag, and to warn the others.

'I think it's that way,' she stated decisively, pointing to her right.

And what if you're wrong?'

'I'll protect you!'

'I thought you were joking about the bears.'

'We're in the forest Lexa, of course I wasn't joking.'

'I don't want you to be eaten by a bear,' Lexa protested and stepped slightly in front of her, 'I'll protect you,' she wrestled the wash bag from her hand clearly planning to use it as a weapon. Clarke rolled her eyes,

'We're not going to be eaten, because we're going to run for it.'

'Ok,' Lexa nodded. 'Lets.'

'One, two, three,' she practically squeaked and hand in hand they began to run through the darkness. All was fine until the rough tug on her hand, which Lexa then released as she fell onto the ground with an "oomph." The crunching and snuffling was unfortunately rather closer than it had been, adding to the overall stress.

'Leave me,' Lexa yelled from the darkness behind her and she scoffed slightly, and found her inner warrior,

'No way,' she turned back and grabbed Lexa's hand, pulling her to her feet. 'Drama queen,' she tsked nonchalantly as they began to jog away from the noise and back towards the pitch bursting onto the others a couple of minutes later.

'Oh my god, what happened to you!' Raven asked as they stood panting in the light of the fire. Raven was pointing at Lexa, so Clarke turned to look at her realizing she was covered head to toe in dust. She grinned in amusement.

'Bear, bear...' Lexa panted, clearly still terrified. 'There was a bear.'

'Meh, it won't bother us, we're too noisy,' Bellamy was dismissive, and Lexa looked positively enraged which just made Clarke begin to giggle, and giggle harder until she couldn't stop.

'There's a bear!' Lexa repeated. 'We should hide in the cars or something.'

'He's not gonna want to wrestle the lot of us,' Octavia shrugged, 'just you apparently,' she gestured to the dust that covered Lexa.

'You're all crazy, I'm hiding in the car,' she stalked to Ravens jeep and rather defiantly, considering her dustiness, got inside and slammed the door behind her. Clarke tried to take it all seriously but she couldn't seem to stem the giggles, and clutched at her stomach, dropping onto her and Lexa's log out of necessity.

'Was there really a bear?' Jasper asked, eyeing up the jeep where Lexa was sat visible in the interior light, her arms folded, head held defiantly.

'Well either that or a big raccoon,' she spluttered still giggling.

'Well at least you get another showered Lexa,' Octavia offered brightly and that just increased her giggles.

'Not tonight. I think she'll sleep in the car tonight,' she said and thought back on her girlfriends dramatic, "leave me" and began to laugh more.

'I'll go get her out,' Octavia smiled, grabbing a couple of beers and heading for the jeep.

Clarke felt a small seed of jealousy at that, which was stupid and ridiculous, but perhaps human. It stemmed her giggles, even though it was misplaced. Her friends clearly liked her girlfriend, that was great, and her girlfriend - she needed more people in the world to love and care for her. It was just that Octavia was pretty, beautiful really, and she hated the thought of Lexa finding other girls attractive, even though it was entirely irrational. She was fairly certain she'd chill out about it, but everything was so new, and she felt a little possessive of Lexa, she loved being Lexa's everything, even though she knew the girl needed more than just her. Love was weird and confusing she decided. It wasn't very rational and she'd always considered herself a very rational person. Now she was all emotion and not all of them were particularly nice. The urge to throw Octavia away from the jeep and climb in herself was quite real. She resisted, and instead plucked the marshmallow Bellamy had just toasted off the end of his stick and put it into her mouth. Dammit - now she'd have to brush her teeth again.


	17. Chapter 17

_Clarke is working at Copper Tank one evening in September, not long after becoming Lexa's girlfriend. She's not in the mood for work, but she is in the mood for Lexa. - Please read the full prompt credit at the end! Thanks to recklessarrow for the prompt and jaelle90 for proofing._

 _Thanks as always to those who read and review:)_

 _This is short I know, but the next ones heavy as it's Clarke and her parents so..._

 **Chapter 17**

Clarke glanced wearily at all the people crowded into Copper Tank on the September Friday night. She hated them all. Well all except for one. Her eyes landed on Lexa, tall, lithe and beautiful with her dark hair half up, braids interspersed in the soft waves. Lexa who was stood looking cool and aloof, well looking aloof until she caught her eye and smiled that smile, the one that made everything better, a smile so bright Clarke's entire body clenched with feeling, and total love and adoration. Being in love with Lexa was a heady feeling - it was all consuming and very addictive. The girl was a fucking masterpiece. The girl was also the single most important person in the world to her and she didn't even know when that had happened. Clarke's gaze flickered to the rest of the band who were rather unusually hanging out with Raven, Octavia and Bellamy, some sort of pool competition going on. She ached to be part of it, if only so she could stand beside Lexa, feel the heat of her body seep into hers, feel her hand on the small of her back. So she could turn and press a kiss to the warmth of her neck and hear her murmur funny little comments in her ear.

'You working or ogling?' Kane asked her with a nudge of his arm.

'Both,' she answered unabashedly and he laughed before directing her down the bar to where a group of guys were waiting, one leaning on the bar playing casually with his credit card. It was weird, but the longer she spent as Lexa's… best friend and so much more, as her girlfriend, (the word still made her body feel warm and tingly), the more she hated serving groups of flirty, cocky guys, who stared at her boobs as they ordered and her ass when she turned to get drinks. Still, it was her job so she smiled brightly and asked the guy what she could get him.

'Seven shots of tequila,' the guy leaning on the bar requested, eyes locking on hers before trailing over her face and then dropping so obviously to her chest that she let out a huff,

'Eyes up here,' she pointed out in irritation as she grabbed seven shot glasses and lined them up on the bar.

'You know…' he drawled drunkenly as she began to fill the glasses, 'I was feeling a little off today but you've definitely turned me on.'

'Huh,' Clarke rolled her eyes but laughed a little because she did find the cheesy lines from drunk guys somewhat funny. Most especially because she'd get Lexa to use them on her later and that - that was fun. It was less amusing when she ran out of tequila with three glasses left to fill. She turned to fetch another from the wall behind the bar and when she turned back to the bar the guy was shaking his head with his lips pursed in an expression of appreciation,

'Fuck, did you sit in sugar, cos that's a sweet ass!'

'Yeah, it's fucking sweet,' she agreed, not laughing anymore, but giving him a strained smile. She was too tired for faux flirting, for dealing with assholes that assumed she wanted their attention when she didn't. Assholes that repeated the same crappy lines the whole time. She had zero interest in these drunk guys. Zero interest in being stared at like a piece of meat. Zero interest, period.

'Tell me,' the guy said, 'did it hurt when you fell from heaven, cos you're a fucking angel!' His lines were extremely unoriginal, so she pulled out her standard knock back,

'No,' she tilted her head to the side, 'but I did scrape my knee when I crawled up from hell,' she held out her hand for his card, eyebrows arched in warning.

'Cold,' the guy shook his head, apparently impressed rather than rejected.

'Actually I'm hot…' Clarke dropped her voice, and leaned over the bar towards him, the guy leaning towards her, 'for her.' She pointed across the bar towards Lexa who was standing in her skinny jeans, biker boots and sexy black top, looking every bit the rock star she was.

'You think I should try it on with her?' the guy asked, perhaps choosing to mishear and Clarke laughed wryly because reallythat would be funny to witness. Her laugh caught Lexa's attention, the dark haired girl turning and fixing wide green eyes on her, brow furrowing. 'Wholly fuck she's hot,' the guy gaped.

'Yeah and mine. I'm hot for her, and she's hot for me. So please stop staring at my body, and please stop with the pick up lines. And I really wouldn't try it on with my girlfriend.'

'Fuck,' the guy actually groaned as she said girlfriend and Clarke dropped away from the bar in frustration, 'gonna let me join you?'

'Ha, no chance of that. We don't share,' she stalked away, heading from behind the bar and to the group at the pool table.

'Clarke,' Lexa was frowning, clearly in protective mode, but Clarke brushed her fingers over the furrows, whispering an,

'It's ok,' before pressing her mouth to hers, and sidling her body up so close she could feel the pounding of her girlfriends heart. Lexa slid her hands onto her ass instinctively and she curled her arms around Lexa's neck, and stuck up her middle finger in the general direction of the guy, unable to explain why she was quite so irritated and impatient with the unwanted attention. She was beginning to get irritated in general with the somewhat constant belief that she was only mentioning her girlfriend as an invitation to a threesome.

'Fuck Clarke, we get it, you're bisexual! Don't hump your girlfriend in the bar,' Raven teased in her annoyingly blunt way, making the others laugh. Clarke just kissed Lexa harder, ignoring her friend.

'Wow, I think maybe someone was eyeing up her girlfriend - she seems awfully possessive,' Anya joined in, obviously having watched Clarke's encounter with the bar guy. Clarke found the teasing mildly annoying, but it was such a relief to kiss Lexa that she didn't care.

'You ok?' Lexa pulled back and stared at her.

'Don't worry baby. Some stupid guy was thinking I'm gonna be into him when he's gross and annoying and I'm clearly bilexual,' she smirked at her new word and kissed her again, but Raven had heard it all,

'Oh my god, what did you just say?' she cackled loudly.

'I said I'm bilexual!' Clarke glared at Raven for interrupting her kiss and moment with Lexa, and because it was so fucking obvious that she was so incredibly into Lexa. She was bilexual - absolutely sexually all about Lexa. Everything Lexa. So what if she thought other women were good looking and some men too, she was absolutely sexually connected with Lexa. All of her sexual attraction for women, all her sexual attraction in general, was directed at Lexa - the goddess in her arms, the most beautiful person she'd ever met and the sexiest. Her body's reactions to Lexa were stronger than they had been with anyone else ever. She'd honestly had no idea her body could do the wonderful things Lexa got it to do.

'Oh my god, say it again, the others didn't hear,' Raven was gasping with amusement and even Lexa was smiling a smile so big Clarke wanted to take her somewhere private and fuck her senseless. Her eyes subconsciously drifted towards the stock room and she knew Lexa had seen when her eyes darkened, black obliterating green.

'I said,' she spoke loudly, for all her gathered friends to hear, 'I'm bilexual,' she flicked her hair, sounding sassy as hell even though she hadn't meant to, and then because they were all staring at her she just couldn't resist winking gregariously and firing finger guns at them all before grabbing Lexa's hand, 'and I'm on break,' she tugged Lexa determinedly towards the stock room, pulling her inside and slamming her against the door as she closed it. 'I'm so fucking bilexual right now,' she growled running her hands up Lexa's jean covered thighs, over her perfect ass, scraping fingers softly between her legs before finding soft bare skin at her waist. The whimper Lexa released was a turn on. Fuck, it was all a turn on, and Clarke needed to get off. Needed to fuck the girl that made things right with the world. She slid her thigh purposefully up between Lexa's and her girlfriend immediately ground down onto it, moaning into the heated kisses, as she bent a leg allowing Clarke to find the friction she needed as well.

 **All credit for "bilexual" and Clarke's wink and finger guns goes to recklessarrow who gave me this awesome prompt. Thank you!**


	18. Chapter 18

Clarke talks with her dad about being bisexual and Lexa. The private conversation between Clarke and her father.

 _In Unsung Heart Jake didn't react very well to Clarke's revelation that she was dating a girl and pretty much ignored Lexa. Just when Clarke and Lexa were about to leave Jake asked to talk to Clarke. This is the conversation they had. We join them when Jake comes to the kitchen for his morning coffee and can't look Clarke in the eye…_

 _Thanks for people who take the time to review - most appreciated and motivating!_

 _ **We have a little bit of stuff we've read before to set the scene and then new stuff...  
**_

 **Chapter Eighteen**

'This is my girlfriend Lexa. If you're interested dad? Or maybe you'd rather we both leave and then you don't need to go to the deck for your coffee?' Clarke felt a burning anger at her father, an atypical hatred of the man for his refusal to meet her eye. The hurt was also overwhelming and she could feel the tightness in her throat from the reservoir of tears she was holding at bay.

'I don't want you to go,' he muttered into the wall, but it didn't sound all that sincere to her ears. 'I'm sorry. Ok?'

'Can you at least look at me?' Clarke could hear the pleading note in her voice, and when Lexa slid her arms around her, she realized she was crying because she needed the girls tight hold on her more than she'd ever needed anything.

'I'm sorry,' her dads shoulders were hunched but he didn't look at her and that made him seem insincere.

'Why can't you look at me? Because I'm in love with a girl? That's so…so fucking disappointing.'

'I'm disappointing?' Jake turned to stare at her with narrowed eyes. 'I'm disappointing?'

'By that I'm guessing you're disappointed in me, huh?' Clarke had expected disappointment but hadn't realized how awful it would feel - the unjustified disappointment in who she intrinsically was as a person.

'I'm disappointed that I have to explain to my friends, my mother…I'm disappointed I won't get grandkids, and a wedding, and I'm disappointed you lied to us…' Well fuck but that hurt.

'I'm sure that must be very hard for you,' she managed to stutter caught between pain of rejection and disgust.

'Jake,' her mom put a hand on his arm but he shook it off.

'I want to be supportive, but why lie? Why not tell us? Why let us think we got a normal kid and then spring this on us?' his sounded so bitter and angry and Clarke felt rage begin to overpower all other emotions,

'Normal?' she could barely speak and she was actually shaking she was so upset. She suddenly hated her father, that this man she'd idolized could be so awful was killing her.

'Clarke,' Jake pinched his nose. 'I didn't mean that.' But he'd said it and it would forever be a part of her relationship with her father.

'No, I'm sure,' she answered carefully, insincerely. 'I think Lexa and I will head off. I hope you have a good birthday,' she shook her head.

'Clarke, please wait. I don't know why I feel like this. I don't even know what I'm feeling. I just…' Jake's voice cracked and for a moment he stared at her.

'You just?' she prompted when he didn't continue.

'I always thought I'd be fine with whoever you are and I'm just…I don't know…grieving.'

'I'm in love with a girl, not dead,' she glared at him because honestly, what the fuck was he grieving for?

'I'm grieving for my little girl, Clarke.' For fucks sake,

'You mean your heterosexual little girl?' Clarke was beyond furious and appalled. Lexa was squeezing her hand so hard it hurt, but she appreciated it because it grounded her, let her know that she wasn't alone. 'Because I'm still the same person.'

'Clarke…I just…I had dreams and they have been obliterated and I just need some time to reconcile this new person you are with the old Clarke.' She was the same person - why couldn't he get that?

'Ok dad, I'm gonna lay this out straight. I am exactly the same person I've always been, I'm just being honest about who this person is. You have a problem because I want to have sex with someone who has a vagina instead of a penis? Seriously? You're worried about what your friends will think, your mother. You're worried about you. The old Clarke and the new Clarke are the same and I'm in love with Lexa. I can't see that changing. I fantasize about a wedding to her, kids with her, vacations in the sun with her. I never lied, I just didn't recognize this part of me. And I'm afraid I can't stay for your birthday if that's how you feel. I don't want Lexa here if that's how you feel. I'm sorry mom. But dad, if you can't accept me for for exactly who I am, at this moment, I can't really accept you.'

'Clarke,' Jake took a step towards her and she felt Lexa flinched defensively, which she loved, that instinct to protect her. Her mom pulled her dad back.

'You need to get over whatever problem you have Jake, because I'm not losing my daughter because you can't cope with the fact that she's in love with a girl,' her mother's words helped, but the pain was pretty severe.

'Thanks mom,' she raised her chin.

'A very nice, intelligent, beautiful girl,' her mom added which helped even more.

'Thanks Dr. Griffin,' Lexa said and Clarke looked back to see the blush on Lexa's pretty cheeks.

'We're going to head off, ok?' she said quietly and her mom nodded.

'Are you sure Clarke?' Lexa spoke softly as well. 'I get it, I do. but don't leave for me. I'm ok. If you're leaving for you then I'm with you. You know that, but be sure.'

'I'm sure,' she felt warmth at the utter wonderfulness of her girlfriend and turned to take both her hands. 'I'm so, so glad I met you.'

'Likewise,' Lexa gave the sweetest smile and it was like warmth in the Arctic.

'I understand girls,' her mom nodded. 'You are always welcome here Lexa.'

'I uh, think we'll go with them,' Octavia stated from the table and Clarke felt a burst of emotion at her friends support.

'Thanks,' she sniffed and Lexa pulled her close, pressing a kiss to her head. 'Lets go.'

'Ok,' Lexa nodded, but continued to hold her tight and then released her, so Clarke slipped her hand into her girlfriends, finding strength from the connection.

'Right behind you,' Bellamy stated softly.

'Yep,' Raven agreed.

 **XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

Lexa was loading their stuff onto the bike as the others stuffed things into the car. Clarke was standing in her mother's arms, trying not to cry and get over emotional but it was hard. She'd expected a reaction but her father's words had been brutal.

It was when she was sat on the bike behind Lexa, the others already gone, that she heard the sound of her father's voice,

'Wait, wait…'

Lexa pulled off her helmet and Clarke did the same, but she didn't climb off. She fed her fingers under Lexa's jacket and gripped at the back of her pants, the tips of her fingers brushing the curve of her ass which felt oddly reassuring.

'Clarke…please…I want to talk to you. I'm sorry. Can we…I don't know…go somewhere and talk?' her was stood there, staring at her and avoiding Lexa which was annoying and frustrating. Her dad was shaking, clearly emotional but fuck, so was she. Without even meaning to she wound her arms around Lexa and squeezed, seeking strength from her girlfriend,

'Do you mind?' she asked her softly.

'Never,' Lexa responded at once, squeezing her hand before she slipped from the bike, unzipping the leather jacket she was wearing and hanging it on the bike, placing her helmet down carefully before heading towards the house with her father.

They walked in silence. Clarke's stomach felt like lead. Nauseous lead. They headed through the house and into the back yard, each taking a seat on the patio chairs on the deck. Then there was silence.

'Are you ever going to talk?' she asked at length because the heaviness of the silence was stifling.

don't want to say the wrong thing again,' he admitted.

'You said despicable things,' she accused and he stared at her.

'Well what were you expecting Clarke? That was quite the bombshell. You gave no warning, no nothing.'

'And I sure as hell got an honest reaction,' she scowled.

'Look, I'm sorry I hurt you Clarke,' he gave a defeated sigh which would normally inspire her sympathy, but not today, not about this.

'Are you? You've been acting like I hurt you!' she felt the anger bubble up again.

'You did,' her father looked at her, it was his angry disapproving face from her youth.

'Right, right. I hurt you because I realized who I am and you don't like that person.'

'You're in a relationship with a girl!' he accused and she couldn't stop the bitter, sardonic laugh from escaping,

'Do you hear yourself? I'm in a relationship with a girl. Her gender is literally the only thing that's a problem. You are literally holding her gender against her. If she were a guy you'd be getting to know her, listening to her bands music, and slapping her on the back when you realized how insanely awesome she is and how much she loves me.'

'But she's not a guy,' her father pointed out tightly, 'and being in a relationship with her is not the same as being in a relationship with a man.'

'No, it's better,' Clarke snapped.

'That's not helpful Clarke,' her father used the same patronizing tone he had when he'd told her not to start making pancakes without him when she was ten and trying to do something nice. It was the same tone he used whenever he was trying to explain why her good intentions were wrong.

'It's not helpful that you disagree with the person I love because she has a vagina and not a penis.'

'Clarke,' her father's cheeks became red and his mouth was set in a thin line.

'What? You are being so patently homophobic. It's my life. You don't get to dictate the goals you have for my life, you get to support me in meeting my goals. You don't get to be disappointed when they're different from how you anticipated. Lexa makes me happy. I love her and she loves me. I'm going to be with her whether I have your approval or not. The real question is whether or not you want me in your life because I won't give her up - not for you. Because Lexa wants me to be happy and because I don't disappoint her even when I should.'

I want you in my life,' her dad rubbed his face before looking at her with shining eyes, the hint of tears clawing painfully at her insides.

'Then,' she sucked in a breath surprised at how hard speaking was, 'then you have to except my sexuality.'

'Are you gay? I just…I don't know…'

'I'm bisexual. I'm attracted to both.'

'So there's a chance you might end up with a man?' he looked so optimistic, but not like her mother had, more insultingly.

'I guess,' she shrugged uncomfortably, 'but honestly I can't see it happening.'

'Why not? You said you like both so that means…'

'Because I'm in love with Lexa.'

'And that might change…'

'Dad…I've never felt like this before. Not ever. She's my best friend,' Clarke attempted to make him get it.

'Are you sure that…I don't know…maybe you're just confused? A few kisses can be confusing and…'

'Dad, we have sex. It's not a few confused kisses with my best friend. It's a romantic, sexual relationship that is the most serious relationship I've ever had,' Clarke would have sworn blind she'd never discuss her sex life with her father, ever, but it seemed to be necessary and she didn't even feel embarrassed.

'Oh,' his cheeks flushed.

'I know it's not what you want to hear. It was one of the things I worried about when I told you - that you'd picture the sex. Don't. But seriously, why was me having sex with Bellamy any different?'

'I didn't like that either, but it just was different.'

'Lexa sleeping in my room with me is no different than Bellamy, except for the fact that I'm far more serious about her than I ever was about him.'

'Your mother let her sleep in your room with you? After she found out?' Jake sounded ridiculously outraged.

'Yes. My mother let her twenty four year old daughter sleep in a room with her serious girlfriend. Why wouldn't she?' Clarke rolled her eyes. 'Don't be so condescending and don't have such double standards. Bellamy stayed in my room with your consent.'

'Jesus Christ Clarke! You think I want my daughter and her lesbian lover having sex in the bed where I used to kiss her goodnight?'

'So you're fine with the idea of Bellamy and his penis but not Lexa and her vagina?' she really wanted to emphasize that his issue was about the gender of her partner and nothing more, emphasize how ridiculous that was.

'Don't be vulgar.' And that was why discussing sex with her father was necessary.

'Sex with Lexa isn't vulgar. Being in love and having sex is the most beautiful thing in the world.'

'Can you even make love? How does that even work?' her father was clearly exasperated and his anger and frustration were flowing out. Clarke sucked in a breath reminding herself to smell the flowers and blow out the candles. 'God I don't want to know, I don't want to think about it.'

'Do you really want to think of me having sex with anyone?' Clarke was exasperated too, nevermind furious and hurt. 'Of course we can make love. It works very well actually. You want to hear me say that she's the best lover I've ever had? Because she is.'

'I don't,' her dad looked away.

'I'm not going to apologize dad,' Clarke said at length. 'Maybe you want me to, but the truth is that if I apologize I'm legitimizing your disappointment and I can't do that. I am who I am. I was born this way and your disappointment, your hurt, it's not going to be legitimized by me. I am proud of who I am. I'm proud of my relationship. I love my girlfriend. I'm in love with her.'

'God Clarke…I love you. And my concerns and my disappointment…I can't help them. They're because I love you.'

If you love me shouldn't your number one concern be that I'm happy? And shouldn't you only be disappointed if I behave in a way that actually harms others? My relationship with Lexa doesn't harm anyone. It may not be what you would choose but it isn't your choice dad. You encouraged me to make the choice between medicine and art and I did. There was a lot of pressure from mom, but you encouraged me to do what made me happy. So I'm nearly a doctor who draws and writes comics. I made the choice. Why is this choice any different? Would you really rather that I'm with a man just because he's a man, than be with the person I'm totally in love with? Than be with the person who makes me happier than I've ever been?'

'No,' her dad sucked in a breath and swiped at his eyes. 'I love you and I want you happy and if this girl…if she makes you happy then I'm going to have to accept that aren't I?'

'Accept it or accept that I won't be in your life much. And for me to say something like that you have to realize how much she means to me,' Clarke's voice broke and she brushed at her eyes, her throat and head aching with holding back tears that refused to stay in any longer.

'I'm going to deal with it Clarke. I will. I'll talk to her, get to know her. For you,' his vow was spoken in a broken voice.

'I would appreciate that,' Clarke sniffed, using the edge of her shirt to wipe her eyes. 'She really is an amazing person dad. She's kind and wonderful and so talented.'

'Talented?' he looked at her.

'She's a musician. She plays guitar better than anyone and God…the music she writes. It's amazing.'

'A musician isn't a very stable profession, and I'm not saying that because she's a girl, I'd say that about a guy with tattoos and a motorbike and a "career" in music,' he looked at her and Clarke laughed a little through her tears,

'She's like a millionaire I think. That level of musician.'

'Huh…' his mouth gaped open for a moment, 'well ok. Objection overruled.'

'Overruled,' Clarke agreed and dropped her head to her father's shoulder. 'Please dad. Love me for who I am and not who you want me to be…that's all I really need.'

'I do Clarke…I do. I'm sorry. Really I am. I'm going to try and do better. Deal with it better.'

'I know.'

'I hope one day you'll forget how badly I took this…how much I'm struggling.'

'Me too,' Clarke put her hand on his even though she knew that the words he'd spoken would always be part of the fabric of who she was from now on, no matter what followed. That fact saddened her greatly.


	19. Chapter 19

_Clarke and her mom talk as Lexa picks raspberries and beans from the garden. This takes place later on the same day as Clarke's conversation with her father._

 _Areboiro on tumblr prompted this - so thanks! I hope you all like it! Thanks for the support and I'd love to know what you think:)_

 **Chapter Nineteen**

'So why her?' her mom asked, gesturing to where Lexa was harvesting broad beans and raspberries, one of her moms old wicker baskets on her arm as she assessed each berry and bean carefully, determining it's readiness before plucking it from the stem or vine. She and her mom were sat on the back deck in the shade, swinging gently on the swing seat.

'I don't know what you mean?' she was apprehensive about the question because she still felt shaky from the discussion with her father, from all the tension, from the awkward attempts her dad had made to get to know Lexa that had only gotten as far as they did because Lexa was trying so hard and being amazingly patient. Her stomach warmed when she thought of Lexa's actions, because Clarke had been in relationships before where her boyfriend had said all the right things - that they loved and adored her. The difference with Lexa was that her girlfriend didn't just say the words, but she made her feel them.

'I mean, what was it that attracted you to her in the first place? What is it about her?' her mom was giving her a smile and she realized that she'd been staring at Lexa as she continued her careful analysis of berry and bean. She blushed a little and looked away,

'She's examining every single one to check it's ripe and ready before she picks it,' she explained unnecessarily.

'Yes,' her mom nodded.

'You and I wouldn't do that,' Clarke began and her mother laughed softly,

'And we'd be done twice as quick,' she pointed out.

'Yes, but there'd be unripe berries in our bowl and overripe ones rotting on the bush,' Clarke tried to explain.

'True,' her mom gave a concessionary nod.

'Lexa is careful...like she is with the berries...she's careful like that in life. And she's guarded,' Clarke attempted to explain, 'she doesn't trust the world will provide for her. She thinks she has to work for it. She doesn't trust that the world will love and care for her, so she does everything in her power to love and care for the people who are important to her,' she trailed off because it was hard to find her point. 'She treats everyone in her life carefully and without confidence that they will treat her that way in return. So she's guarded yes, and she masks her emotions for sure but...'

'That sounds hard...like it might be hard for you?' her mom interrupted and Clarke laughed,

'Well I was about to say that she's like that for nearly everyone but me. Lexa is mush mom. Like the best, most wonderful mush in the world. She's this tough girl, hard and gritty and yet she's soft and warm on the inside. She opens herself up to me - all the vulnerability, the kindness, the love and it's like I'm in this cocoon of Lexa. All amazing and loving. God, I can't explain it. She makes me laugh. She makes me happy. She's interesting and intriguing and clever, so fucking clever, and just...everything in me responds to everything in her. It's like she would do anything for me, literally anything, and yet she's not a push over, she's not weak...she's strong and moral and yeah... You asked why her? Well, there's not one thing about her to make it not her.'

'And when did you first realize you were into her? As more than friends?'

'She doesn't know this,' Clarke bit her lip shyly, 'but when she came out...about two weeks into our friendship...I got this feeling in my stomach, like this flash of hope I guess.'

'Hope? But you didn't recognize it as attraction?'

'No,' she looked at her hands before staring back at Lexa, 'I mean I always knew she was beautiful. Her body is amazing and her eyes...who has green eyes?' she looked at her mom who gave a little shrug, 'but it took a little while longer for me to realize it was attraction...I guess when she did her Leap Year gig. When she performs she's so sexy. So confident and she literally commands the stage...It took me a while longer again to actually accept that it was attraction.'

'I think we all assume that we know ourselves the best and yet we're still learning who we are, aren't we?'

'Yeah,' Clarke nodded and then flushed.

'What's the blush for?' her mom asked with an affectionate smile.

'This morning...' Clarke began and her mom shook her head,

'I don't want to hear about the sex,' she said and then became flustered, 'I mean I don't want to hear about sex between you and anyone. Not because she's a girl...'

'It's ok mom, I know that,' she laughed. 'She does this thing...not a sex thing...she doesn't even mean to do it. But I say something loving and she says something loving back, except it's always so much more than what I say. And this morning she called me the love of her life,' she sighed happily and stared at Lexa, at her smooth tanned skin and those strong arms carefully selecting beans from the vine.

'She looks at you like you're everything to her,' her mom admitted.

'Ex boyfriends have said stuff like that to me before. But the difference is I actually believe her. And I want to be the love of her life because I'm pretty sure she's the love of mine.'

'Have you told her that?'

'No,' she admitted. 'I just... I'm not as brave as she is. She thinks she's lucky to have me, I know she does. She's so thankful we're together. Really though I'm the lucky one. It makes me sad that she doesn't realize how much I love her, how much she means to me. But with Lexa I think saying it is one thing, but like she does for me I have to really make her feel it. And yet I never quite know how. She's effortless...everything she does is like a demonstration of her love and affection.'

'You came out to your parents for her,' her mom pointed out but she shook her head because that wasn't true,

'I came out to you guys for me. Because I wanted you to know the real me, and so I could introduce you to my girlfriend. I mean it's wrapped up in her, but I did it for me.'

'Clarke I know you, and there are probably a million things that you do that let her know how much you care,' her mom reassured and Clarke smiled because it was nice that her mom was supporting her relationship, especially with how things had initially gone the previous day.

'One day I'll ask her to marry me, instead of her asking me - then she'll know,' she spoke without a filter and then blushed when her mother's head snapped to look at her.

'You think about marrying her?' her moms voice was slightly strained.

'I'm sorry,' she looked at her hands. 'I know you...well would rather a guy...well I'm not sorry, not really, because...she called me the love of her life. And I want her...but yeah...I mean...'

'It's ok Clarke,' her mom's hand landed on hers which were clutched anxiously twisting together in her lap. 'I can understand why you think of marrying someone who makes you happy, someone who loves and cares for you. That is the person to marry. Especially if you find them interesting and they make you laugh. And the sex should be good too.'

'The sex is great,' Clarke admitted with a smirk at her mother.

'Unfortunately I was walking by your door this morning and I am aware,' her mom smirked back.

'Hmm, yeah...I'm sorry for that now. I wasn't then,' she giggled slightly.

'I am happy for you Clarke...that you have this relationship.'

'Me too,' she nodded and stood. 'I'm gonna go...' she gestured to Lexa and her mom laughed,

'I'll go get some cold drinks, ok?'

'Thanks,' she skipped down the deck stairs and headed for the vegetable garden. She plucked an unripe raspberry from the bush and sneaking up behind Lexa, wrapped her arms around her and plopped the raspberry in her basket.

'Hmmm,' Lexa responded to the hug first and then her eyes narrowed in on the berry. 'Clarke that's not ripe,' she chastised.

'It isn't?' she swivelled around Lexa's body so she was hugging her front and grinned at her.

'Huh,' she huffed her annoyance before swallowing it back, 'It's fine, it'll ripen,' she tilted her chin up. Clarke couldn't help but giggle and kiss the point of her chin,

'I can just throw it away,' she offered.

'But that would waste it,' Lexa huffed again.

'Yeah?' She plucked one of Lexa's ripe berries from the basket and stuck it on her finger, 'eat me Lexa, eat me,' she spoke in a silly voice, waggling her finger in front of Lexa.

'I'm not eating, I'm picking Clarke. Your mother asked me to do this,' she gestured to the garden and Clarke knew Lexa desperately wanted the approval of her mother.

'I want to be in your mouth Lexa,' she bobbed her finger up and down, speaking in her silly berry voice. 'Abby likes you. You can play with Clarke now!' Lexa gave her a disapproving look before suddenly bobbing her head forward and wrapping her lips around her finger and dragging the raspberry off with her tongue. Lexa chewed and swallowed and then smiled brightly at her. She felt her stomach clench even as she laughed, and entwined her arms around her girlfriends neck,

'I love you,' she whispered into a soft kiss. 'You have enough berries and beans, come and lie in the hammock with me.'

'Won't your parents mind?'

'If we lie in a hammock together?' she clarified with a smile. 'I'm suggesting cuddles and conversation not sex.'

'I know...I just...' Lexa flushed adorably and Clarke took her hand and led her into the house.

'Lexa's done the picking,' she said and Abby nodded to a tray with cold lemonade.

'Thank you so much Lexa. Saves me a job. Why don't you girls take a drink and go relax?'

'Lexa's worried that if we lie in the hammock together it'll upset you,' she told her mom.

'Clarke!' Lexa looked mortified.

'But I figured you'd be ok with me snuggling up with the love of my life for a little nap?'

'I'd be fine with that. Your dad's gone out for his birthday golf game so you two are free to nap,' Abby gave her a knowing look.

'See?' she gave Lexa a shit eating grin, but the girl was staring at her wide eyed. She dragged her back outside and to the hammock strung between two trees. Carefully they got in, Clarke holding Lexa in her arms. 'You ok?' she asked after several minutes of silence.

'You called me the love of your life?'

'You called me the love of your life this morning,' she pointed out.

'You said it to your mom, though,' Lexa turned to face her gingerly in the somewhat unstable hammock.

'That's what we were talking about as you carefully inspected each and every raspberry before picking it,' she giggled, 'about why I love you, and how much I love you and how amazing you are.'

'Really?' Lexa bit her lip and Clarke felt a furl of desire flow through her,

'You keep doing that and it'll be sex in the hammock and believe me, this thing isn't stable enough to not flip over mid fuck...'

'Clarke,' Lexa's voice was gruff and emotional and it suddenly occurred to Clarke that while this weekend had been traumatic for her, it had also been tough on her girlfriend who had been swallowing back her own emotions to support her.

'Lexa,' she kissed the tip of her nose, then each cheek, her forehead, her eyelids and her chin, before pressing a soft kiss to her lips. 'Thank you. For everything. For being here for me through this, for taking a chance on me even when it was a huge risk to your own sanity...I just...I can't imagine not having you as my girlfriend, not being able to kiss you and fuck...I've gone sappy and ridiculously sentimental...but I mean it...you are the love of my life...'

'Hmm,' Lexa didn't answer but pressed her face against her neck, and held her tight.


	20. Chapter 20

_Lexa promised Clarke a pride palooza for pride weekend and the "gayest sex ever." Lexa tells Clarke she didn't manage to organize anything and her girlfriend is miffed and decidedly pouty… AKA the scene nobody asked for:)_

 _ **RE: Torn** For the guest who asked me about **Torn** \- I deleted the story. I received a lot of negativity and one review hit me pretty hard so I decided to take it down. If you would like it you can contact me and I'll send you a copy. My email is just my author name here at hotmail and it's co dot uk, rather than com. _

_Ok, so this is as much as I've written. I've got a couple of other chapters half started. You can motivate me with love and affection! That's a joke, although I do love, love and affection of course:)_

 **Chapter Twenty**

'You don't want to go meet up with your mom and dad at the concert?' Lexa asked.

'Nope,' Clarke shook her head wondering why she'd even ask - they had plans - very naked and special plans. Lexa had promised the gayest sex ever and after watching her girlfriend display her talent and sexiness for the last few hours she was more than ready for it.

'I mean I know it's not the parade but you'd get to see your dad in the tshirt? Lexa waggled her eyebrows and smiled.

'With that silly frown all over his face,' she rolled her eyes. 'And I have photos. Lots. I don't want a concert, or even post parade euphoria.'

'What do you want?' Lexa leaned in a little closer, and Clarke felt her breath hitch and a throb of desire roll through her.

'You promised me the gayest sex ever and surprises. I want the gayest sex ever,' she didn't mean to pout but God did she want her gay sex. Lots of it. 'And surprises,' she dropped her voice to a sultry husk.

'Uh, fuck, Clarke. I've been in the studio every day,' Lexa rushed out, her face flushing and filling with a look of dismay. Clarke felt her face fall, and was surprised by the sudden sting of tears. It was fine, of course it was, but she'd been really, really looking forward to it. She'd prepped and preened and put on extra sexy underwear. And it was her first pride out. And Lexa had promised.

'So no rainbow sheets?' she felt her pout grow as Lexa winced and shook her head.

'Did you at least get Lincoln's rainbow scarf?' She didn't pull her lip back in, even when Lexa kissed it, a soft, tender, apologetic kiss.

'I'm sorry,' Lexa bumped her nose against hers in that sweet way she did that normally turned Clarke to putty, but fuck, she'd really, really been looking forward to the night and Lexa had promised it would be special. She hated herself for it, but she'd kind of expected more from her girlfriend and she felt let down. She tried to pull herself together and be rational - Lexa had been working extremely hard and coming to see her every night.

'It's fine. I mean, there's next year. Or a different city. It's ok, you know,' she muttered begrudgingly.

'Shit Clarke, I'm really sorry,' Lexa looked utterly contrite as she took her hand. 'I mean, didn't you say any sex between us is gay because we're both girls?'

'I don't know,' such a cop out, she thought. She wanted celebration and rainbows and a goddamned fuss. 'I really just thought…I guess I was really looking forward to tonight. And you know, the idea that you'd make it special and maybe it was just really unfair because you know…I know you've been working so hard and I don't know when you would have sorted out anything, but fuck…'

'It can still be special,' Lexa reassured, but Clarke just felt flat and kind of depressed. 'We'll get take out and make cocktails and I'll go down on you twice.'

'Yeah, ok,' well that was something. She enjoyed that a lot. But it wasn't rainbow sheets, a pride party for two or new positions. 'Sure.'

'You can be disappointed Clarke,' Lexa told her and it served to do two things - bring out her disappointment and endear Lexa to her, despite said disappointment.

'It's just it was my first pride…you know when I'm proud and out and owning who I am,' she attempted.

'I promise it'll still be special,' Lexa peppered her face with kisses and Clarke decided to go for what she wanted,

'Will you still do the uh…different positions?' She looked up at her from under fluttering lashes and Lexa grinned, apparently optimistic that she'd been forgiven.

'Like you could stop me,' Lexa kissed her nose and then her lips and the kiss quickly became heated - at least Lexa was horny and not just tired. 'Let's go home.'

'Yeah,' she nodded, sliding her hand into Lexa's, still feeling the sting of disappointment.

 **XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO**

'It was really nice of Raven to lend us her jeep for these two weeks,' Lexa said brightly.

'Hmmm,' Clarke was feeling irritated now, in addition to the disappointed. They hadn't even been together for a year and Lexa was breaking a promise about something that was really important to her. If she'd known Lexa wasn't planning a special pride celebration as promised she may have chosen to miss watching the band in the studio and gone with her parents to the parade. Deep down she knew she wouldn't have, but it would have been nice to have had the choice. And Lexa had to know how important it was to her - she'd been going on about it for the last week.

'You ok?' Lexa shot her a look.

'Yeah fine…just gonna text Raven and O,' she sounded pissed off even to her own ears. Lexa just nodded guiltily and fixed her eyes on the road ahead.

 **Clarke** \- I'm pissed off.

 **Octavia** \- What's happened?

 **Raven** \- With the Commander? Really? Wow, I thought that would literally never happen.

 **Clarke** \- Shut up

 **Raven** \- What did she do? Give you only three orgasms instead of four?

 **Octavia** \- Rae, try being serious for once

 **Raven** \- I am! If she's gonna get Clarke used to a certain level of care, she needs to maintain it, that's all I'm saying

 **Clarke** \- Don't you remember what tonight is?

 **Raven** \- I haven't forgotten…remember your little rainbow wrapped gift

 **Clarke** \- No point opening it:(

 **Octavia** \- Why so sad?

 **Raven** \- Why not? I'm confused. I thought you had a whole "gayest sex ever" thing planned? A whole pride palooza?

 **Octavia** \- I'd think a rainbow wrapped gift…especially from Raven, would fit right in?

 **Clarke** \- Lexa didn't do it

 **Raven** \- Specify it?

 **Clarke** \- There's no special pride day fiesta. There's no palooza

 **Raven** \- come again?

 **Clarke** \- Lexa didn't organize anything. She was too busy and I don't know…forgot or something.

 **Octavia** \- Lexa forgot? Really?

 **Raven** \- WTF?

 **Clarke** -I don't know whether she forgot, or ran out of time or what - but yeah we're getting take out instead

 **Raven** \- You pissed?

 **Clarke** \- Fuck, I know I should understand because she'd been working so hard but yeah. Where's the effort? It's like every other relationship I've ever had

 **Octavia** \- She has been coming to see you every night

 **Clarke** \- She promised me the gayest sex ever

 **Raven** \- So have sex - problem solved. And don't forget my gift. It may help!

 **Clarke** \- But you got me a gift because *you* knew how much tonight meant to me. How come you know and she doesn't?

 **Octavia** \- Did you remind her?

 **Clarke** \- Duh. We've spoken about it loads. She knew.

 **Raven** \- Clearly she didn't.

 **Octavia** \- You can still have a nice night. Go have sex like Raven said - it'll be totally gay

 **Clarke** \- I don't know. I don't feel like it anymore. I should just get her to drop me home.

 **Raven** \- Your parents are out at pride, I think given it's your first pride as an out bisexual you really aught to celebrate

 **Clarke** \- I thought so too, though apparently my girlfriend didn't think it was a big deal

 **Octavia** \- She's done pride - maybe she just didn't realize quite how important it was to you?

 **Clarke** \- She has, *I* haven't and she knows that

 **Raven** \- Don't be too harsh Clarke…maybe just tell her how you feel. She loves you, you know?

 **Clarke** \- Yeah I know. Didn't take long for the magic to fade though

 **Octavia** \- don't be ridiculous

 **Raven** \- And don't talk bullshit. She messed up. Let her redeem herself, ok?

 **Clarke** \- Ugh whatever. She knows I'm upset, so maybe if she's all contrite and sweet I'll feel better

 **Raven** \- I'm sure she'll make it up to you

 **Octavia** \- She will. The girl wrote an entire album of songs for you - she's hardly complacent about her love for you

 **Clarke** \- Well she wasn't

 **Raven** \- Take a deep breath Clarke, ok?

 **Clarke** \- Sure. See you guys tomorrow.

'You ok?'

'Mmm,' Clarke put her phone away and looked at Lexa as she parked the car. It was so unfair that she always looked so damn good. She felt her libido click into hyperdrive, and her eyes zeroed in on the plump bottom lip that Lexa was currently biting worriedly. Fuck. Her girlfriend was ridiculous hot and she had promised take out, going down on her twice and sex in new positions. Staying mad was one course of action and sex with her beautiful girlfriend the other. She sighed as her anger evaporated. The disappointment was still there but the thought of Lexa's face between her legs, Lexa's apologetic and enthusiastic face, well that was a wonderful image. 'I'm ok,' she reiterated and put her hand on Lexa's strong thigh. Watching Lexa all day had been some sort of aphrodisiac she would have sworn because she was quite ready to ravage and be ravaged.

'I really am sorry,' Lexa's breath hitched at the end of her apology when Clarke deliberately rubbed between her legs.

'You can make it up to me, ok?' She told her and Lexa nodded, legs widening slightly as she rubbed again.

'Fuck…lets go in and I'll make it up to you right now.'

'Deal,' Clarke leaned across and kissed her hard on the mouth, both hating and loving the fact that she couldn't stay away from the girl even when she was hurt and cross. She tried to muster up the anger of before but there was nothing, just a desire to be close with Lexa. They got out of the car, Lexa grabbing her two guitars and Clarke shoving her hand into the back pocket of Lexa's jeans and pinching her butt slightly.

'I am sorry Clarke,' large green eyes fixed on hers, and she wilted like a flower in the desert.

'It's ok. Though I'm holding you to twice,' she pouted.

'Twice it is,' Lexa agreed with a smirk as they waited for the elevator. They stood in silence, but Clarke pressed herself close to her girlfriend, one hand under her tank.

'I love you,' she whispered and Lexa looked at her surprised, brow furrowed.

'I love you too,' Lexa seemed uncertain, unsure of how to deal with Clarke's easy going acceptance of her failure to provide the promised pride day celebration.

'Oh I'm extremely disappointed,' she felt her bottom lip protrude slightly as she thought about the missed opportunity, the crumbling of her lofty expectations. It stung, would sting for a long while.

'I am sorry,' Lexa pressed a kiss to her forehead.

'I know,' she leaned into the kiss, hand squeezing Lexa's butt again from where it was in her back pocket. They travelled the rest of the elevator ride in that position until the doors opened on Lexa's floor, and they headed down the hall.

Clarke watched Lexa fumble for her keys, putting her guitars down to do so. Then she smirked, looking like the cockiest shit to ever walk the planet and Clarke couldn't decide if she was irritated or turned on. Lexa had every reason to be cocky - Clarke was planning to fuck her senseless, but she aught to be a bit more contrite after failing to follow through on plans that were really important to her girlfriend.

'What's that smile for? All cocky and shit?' she asked, keeping her voice neutral.

'You're just cute. And I'm just hoping that tonight is everything you wanted.'

'What do you mean?' she furrowed her brow wondering what Lexa was talking about when a sound she'd never heard escaped her girlfriend. A literal laugh of delight, a giggle that was girlish and pretty, magical and wonderful. Lexa pushed open the door and Clarke knew her jaw must have dropped because Lexa's apartment looked like a dragon and a unicorn had made thousands of rainbow fire babies in it. There were rainbow streamers and paraphernalia everywhere and candles were all over the place - all lit and flickering softly bathing the room in a warm glow.

'Holy fucking crap, Lexa - you lied!' she hit her arm.

'Of course I lied. Part of pride is the hiding the truth and then the utter joy of sharing it,' Lexa grinned impishly, as Clarke stared around in amazement at the effort that must have gone into setting the place up.

'This is the most epic fire hazard I've ever seen. How did you even?' she walked to the table where there was a rainbow cake with Happy Pride Clarke scrawled across it. There was even a vase with a rainbow assortment of flowers - everything from tulips to irises. There was a large rainbow box by the couch and music playing. Clarke listened hard, 'Fuck is that Liza Minnelli playing?'

'You asked for the gayest sex I could manage,' Lexa shrugged, unable to stop smiling. Clarke realized that her cheeks were hurting from the smile on her own face.

'Oh my god,' she laughed loudly as she took a closer look at the rainbow confetti thrown everywhere and realized it was poor depictions of vagina's and boobs. It would be a nightmare to clean up which made Lexa's careless distribution of it even sweeter.

'Ok, so you're dressed all wrong,' Lexa tsked, and began shucking off her own black top, and pushing Clarke's thin jacket off her shoulders. Clarke was extremely on board with getting naked, but Lexa was pulling flannel shirts out of the box by the couch. 'Put this on,' she held out a flannel shirt and Clarke couldn't help but grin in delight as she pushed her arms into the sleeves. Then Lexa was pulling on her own shirt which looked fucking good, before she was reaching back into her box of tricks and pulling out a rainbow assortment of pride beads for each of them. Clarke felt happy, so happy it was spilling out of her, as she giggled, very much looking forward to everything that was sure to follow. She absolutely had the best girlfriend ever and vowed to never doubt her again.


	21. Chapter 21

_So we jump forward nine months or so, to Clarke deciding to ask Lexa to live together. Clarke meets up with a friend to talk about it._

 _I hope you enjoy. I'm thinking there'll be around five more parts. You guys are amazing with the comments and I really appreciate it! Thanks :-x_

 **Chapter Twenty-One**

Nine months or so later

'Clarke!' Bellamy smiled widely and pulled her into a hug as she she joined him at the table of a cute little restaurant not far from her place. 'Taking time off from Lexaing to see me - I'm touched!' he held a hand to his heart dramatically. She swatted him lightly, feeling her cheeks flush,

'Oh shut up, I'm not that bad!'

'I didn't say it was bad,' Bellamy gave her another one armed hug before they both sat down at the small table, 'but you and I haven't hung out alone since...well fuck...since the last time we fucked.'

'Bell,' she whacked him on the arm surprised at her own squeamish reaction. In honesty the notion of sex with anyone who wasn't Lexa felt like an odd concept. It was hard to believe that just over a year earlier she'd never had sex with a girl and now she couldn't imagine ever not having sex with her girl.

'Sorry, sorry...it's just been a long time,' Bellamy could clearly see her reaction and found it amusing rather than offensive.

'And we still see each other all the time...' she rolled her eyes and took a seat at the table with him.

'As a group,' he pointed out. 'Which is all good, don't get me wrong...but you know...this is nice - just you and I. I'm glad you asked me for lunch.'

'I was uh...hoping to get your advice on something...' she began tentatively.

'Lexa?' his smirk was irritating even though he was right.

'Why do you think it's about Lexa? I could be asking about anything! My mom, my dad, your sister and Lincoln...anything! You can't just assume it's about my girlfriend,' she pursed her lips and gave him a hard look, but he just laughed,

'Because you're so ridiculously in love with her you always want to talk about her. I'm surprised you don't prescribe your patients Lexa instead of medicine.'

'Well actually...' she bit her lip sheepishly.

'You actually prescribed a patient Lexa?' Bellamy's grin was blinding. 'Oh my god Clarke!'

'I didn't prescribe her exactly, just her music. You know, the teenager who I suggested it to...well yeah...he said it helped,' she offered defensively.

'I'm sure.'

'I'm not boring am I Bell? I get that you're joking but I mean there are some people who can't talk about anything other than their partner...'

'You mean some people like Lexa?' he teased.

'Shut up,' she hit him. 'I'm being serious. I know we're...you know, into each other. But are we boring?' she wrinkled her nose and he gave a small smile before answering her concern,

'Clarke...you're a medical student who also draws badass post apocalyptic comics. You go to comic con, you go to gigs, you're funny and sassy, and your girlfriend is this amazing musician, who slays people with her music, and rides a motorbike, and can't camp for crap. No neither of you are boring. You don't only talk about each other even if we tease you that you do. You're both intelligent, funny, interesting people. Your relationship is everyone else's life goal. You're like fucking Starksy and Hutch, Rose and Jack, Allie and Noah, Baby and Johnny, Lois Lane and Clark Kent, Mary Jane and Peter Parker, those two chicks from that cheerleader movie, fuck...where are all the epically happy lesbian couples?' he frowned and she gave him a shrug which said "fucking shit isn't it." 'Ellen and Portia,' he yelled triumphantly, and she smiled because even though it wasn't one portrayed in film or TV, it was in the media and they were happy, 'but you're all of those epic relationships on speed Clarke, because you're so fucking sweet and sexy together that being around you is like wanting to hurl from eating too much cotton candy,' he nodded reassuringly and she found a giggle escape,

'I don't know what to make of that,' she admitted.

'You're not boring at all. Not when you're together or apart. You're fun and interesting and interested in others. You're amazing together - people compare their happiness to yours because you're where we all want to be. You're just always together when you can be so I figure that when you're not, I may be hearing about her...and it's fun to tease you...'

'Well yeah...ok,' Clarke conceded because she did want to talk about Lexa. She didn't get to continue as the waitress appeared, chatting with them both and taking their orders, asking about their days and offering to take their picture because they looked so "cute together."

'Why didn't you point out that we're not a couple?' Bellamy asked her when the waitress disappeared to put their order in.

'Because...' she shrugged a little dismissively, but he pushed it,

'Come on Clarke. You can tell me...'

'Oh, it's just that when it's Lexa and I, people always call her my "friend."'

'And? I don't believe that you don't correct them?' he narrowed his eyes.

'Oh I do...all the time. I just get tired and frustrated. I wish society wasn't quite so heteronormative sometimes...'

'Lexa word,' Bellamy coughed over it, making it into a loser sneeze. Clarke grinned at him,

'Actually Anya is the one who's big on heteronormative society stuff. But she's right. I'm here with a girl and everyone assumes she's my friend, and if I'm here with a guy, he's gotta be my date.'

'To be fair, neither of you look like lesbians...'

'Bellamy!' Clarke punched him in the arm - hard.

'What? You don't!'

'That's cos there's no one way for a lesbian to look for fucks sake. We look like girls. You can't make dumb assumptions based on appearance.'

'I'm sorry but with some lesbians I can just tell...'

'And maybe you're right, sure, there are tells, but straight people don't all have to look like you to look straight. So stop with the stereotypes. I'll tell you what definitely does make us look like lesbians? Or like we're together - the fact that we're holding hands, that we kiss. Lean in to each other when we talk. People choose not to see that though!' she huffed.

'Or they're just awkward and don't know what to say and don't want to get it wrong,' he offered.

'Maybe. I think it's just obvious sometimes.'

'But you were just telling me not to make assumptions!' he teased and she flushed a little,

'Yeah - based on appearances. If the woman is sucking face with another woman or holding her hand you can make the assumption that they're together or into each other. But only that she's into that particular girl. I mean she might be bi, a lesbian, pan, trans...'

'I got it Clarke, it's ok,' he reassured with a squeeze to her hand.

'I just would love it for Lexa to be acknowledged as my girlfriend every now and then when we're all over each other. It's only annoying because we're sat here entirely platonically, but because we're a man and a woman every one assumes we must be on a date.'

'Well I'm not your date. I'm Ravens and you're Lexa's.'

'I know,' she sighed a little. 'It didn't bother me at first. I suppose it's better than when someone feels the need to "say something," you know negative stuff. When the waitress comes back I guess I'll thank her for taking the photo and say my girlfriend loved it,' she shrugged.

Some people suck Clarke. I'm not saying the waitress, but the negative people - they do. Don't let them mar your happiness.'

'I don't,' she answered honestly. 'If I show anyone a picture of my girlfriend they can only ever be jealous. She's beautiful, sexy, talented and all around amazing.'

'She is,' Bellamy nodded as he stretched out his legs and grabbed his water. 'So one year of doing a girl...level with me here Clarke. Do you miss...you know...' he tried to gesture his meaning.

'Penis?' she filled in with a loud laugh. Bellamy blushed but gave a concessionary shrug. 'Sorry Bell...your lil guy and I may have had some fun once upon a time, but I don't miss penis in the slightest. Raven gave us a rainbow phallus if we feel the need and you know...there's always strap ons...' she winked as she watched his face get redder as he leaned across the table,

'Is this a rerun of Ask a bisexual night, you know, now you're more...informed?' he teased.

'Oh come on Bell - I know Raven's told you everything I've ever told her and you don't need to ask anything - you can't embarrass me!'

'And you can't embarrass me Griffin, with your causal talk of strap-ons. I'm dating Raven don't forget!'

'Ha, yeah...' she grinned widely. 'I forget sometimes... though you definitely blushed when I mentioned strap-ons -FYI.'

'Well ok,' he conceded.

'So how is it...living with a girl?' she changed the subject toward the direction she wanted it.

'Living with Raven is an experience. There's fucking engine parts and grease everywhere,' he admitted, 'and screws...these tiny fucking screws are always on the floor and if you step on one with bare feet it hurts like fuck. The coffee table is basically her workshop table, and she has at least three kitchen cabinets for parts...'

'And?' she smiled.

'And I love it. I had to make the rule that there were no engine or mechanical...stuff in our room. She banned history books as well. Which is good. Means we can focus on each other in there. And now I know better when to leave her alone and not interrupt her which is good. Our bedroom is a safe bet as she's not concentrating on her stuff!'

'Yeah, don't try and get kinky if she's in "the zone"...'

'Uh, yeah, no, I know that...now...'

'We've all learned that the hard way,' Clarke clarified with a chuckle.

'She's amazing though. Doesn't take any of my bullshit.'

'Raven doesn't take anyone's bullshit.'

'No, she doesn't,' his smile at that pleased her. It was good that they were happy together.

'Do you argue more now that you live together?' she asked and Bellamy laughed,

'Uh yeah...we've always argued but now we definitely argue more. About the most stupid stuff too. Laundry. Washing up. Fucking vacuuming, and of course those damn tiny screws. Apparently if I leave the toilet seat up and she needs to pee in the night she sits down without checking and that's...uh...not pleasant. She thinks you shouldn't flush after you pee to save water. I think it makes the bathroom smell if you don't. The grease from her clothes gets on mine and so I go into college to teach looking like a grease stained scruff bag. I'll do her laundry, but she won't do mine. Who cooks...you name it and we've fought about it,' his smile and dreamy expression said that he didn't mind all that much.

But you're glad you did it?'

'Her building was being torn down, and yeah...it was kind of thrust upon us in that way, but no, I don't regret it at all. When I find those damn screws on the floor or in the couch it's because she's there with me. And the grease...it's not so bad...just a reminder that my girlfriend is brilliant and amazing. I just tell the students that she's a mechanic and I seem instantly more interesting in their eyes because she's interesting, and smart and wonderful. I love living with her. I love waking up with her and going to sleep with her.'

'I want to ask Lexa if we can move in together,' she burst out. It was a badly timed confession, because the waitress appeared at that moment with their food, and she was a chatty one. Clarke didn't even bother mentioning her girlfriend because she feeling tense as she awaited Bellamy's opinion on her decision. Finally the waitress left. 'So? What do you think?'

'I think it makes a lot of sense. When was the last time you actually slept at your place?'

'Uh...' she frowned. 'I don't know.'

'Ok, when was the last time you slept without Lexa?'

'Months...fuck...I don't know...she was at mine for Christmas...shit I don't know...'

'Face it, you're practically living together already. Do you guys fight?'

'Of course,' she flushed a little because they didn't, not really. Bickered occasionally, but even then not much.

'Not so much?' Bellamy gave her a knowing grin.

'I mean we debate stuff and disagree and all that, but fighting? Not loads. I mean, yeah we argue about some stuff. I get grumpy and snappy sometimes and Lexa hates that. Gets all insecure and worried about it, and she doesn't always tell me. I'm messy, as you know, and she walks around the place picking up my mess and making this silly "tsk" noise,' she grinned a little as she demonstrated the noise.

'Haha, yeah I can imagine...'

'But she always looks so cute that I just...you know...mellow her out...'

'How's that then, Clarke?' he teased and she tossed a fry at him.

'I don't know about other stuff... I mean I wash and dry laundry and she puts it away. She cooks so I clean up. I mean I leave the pans some nights and she gets a little grumpy about that. But I don't know...it's more emotional stuff we argue about...you know...but then we talk. And they're never really arguments...there's no plate throwing or swearing...Lexa just...I don't know...even when she's mad she's all in love...'

'I know what you mean. Like cross, but trying not to get mad. Like when we play Pictionary and she wants you to hurry the fuck up and draw, and you're in artist mode... And she does that jaw in the air, eye rolling thing...and gets all sassy, but then is a total sap and compliments you on your picture...'

'Yeah,' she laughed. 'That exactly.'

'So why are you even asking me when you're practically living together and clearly compatible?'

'I don't know...it's just a big step, right?'

'Yeah, of course...but you're practically doing it already...'

'Except my stuff is all in my place, not in hers...'

'But you're not are you? You're at hers the whole time. Where are your medical books?'

'Lexa's.'

'Drawing stuff?'

'Lexa's.'

'Clothes?'

'Split between the two. I have a bunch of stuff at her place though.'

'I think you two would be fine,' he shrugged.

'Does it kill the magic? You know...when you see the other person...warts and all?'

'Raven doesn't have any warts and is lovely enough to love me in spite of mine...ok...can we not call them warts?' He scowled.

'Flaws? Personality quirks? Morning breath, that kind of thing?'

'Character quirks...yeah... Ok so she has some of those, that's true...'

'We all do I guess. I mean there's a reason I live alone - roommates drive me nuts!'

'Lexa wouldn't be a roommate though.'

'No,' she smiled, 'she'd be so much more than a roommate.'

'Exactly. And yeah the initial magic goes...but there's a new magic, a new intimacy and trust. You become close in a different way because the person sharing your bed becomes your family.'

'I want that,' she agreed, surprised at the swell of emotion that came with the admittance. 'I want her forever Bell.'

'So why don't you just ask her to marry you?' he asked softly.

'Oh I will...but you know...living together is the next step, right?'

'I think the next step is up to you guys. Plenty of people get married without living together,' he shrugged a little. Clarke considered it but it didn't feel right, not with how busy she was. Lexa needed to see if she could deal with a doctor girlfriend and she needed to see how the absences were when Lexa was away. She hated Lexa being gone and Trikru had only done short trips, some of which she'd gone on as well, but there was talk of a world tour. A world tour scared her because she was absolutely reliant on having Lexa time. And yes there was FaceTime and messages, and all of that, but it felt like she was suffocating and Lexa was air whenever they were apart.

'I want to do one thing at a time...I don't want to skip ahead...we're heading to Australia at Christmas and I just...I feel like you know...I shouldn't rush it.'

'You guys are going to Aus?' Bellamy was surprised.

'Uh, yeah...the band literally just booked a tour there for December. I have two weeks off that I'm going to head there for. We get to spend actual Christmas together,' she smiled weakly.

'But you're worried about the two weeks before?' he chuckled.

'Bell when did I become so reliant on another person?' she pouted.

'When you fell in love,' he offered and she shrugged,

'I don't know. I thought I loved Finn but it wasn't like this. I literally want to share everything with her. The stupid boring crap and the interesting stuff. My food comes out and I think I should show her how yummy it looks. I sent her the photo the waitress took, you know? I feel like...god...I feel pathetic Bell.'

'There's nothing pathetic about wanting to share things with your girlfriend,' Bellamy shrugged, 'I sent Raven the picture too.'

'It's more than that...sometimes I feel unhealthy because of course I go out without her, and have fun without her, I just prefer it when she's there. I can be independent and so can she, but I'd rather not be.'

'I actually think that's a good thing. And you're too hard on yourself. You and Lexa have plenty of independent things you do. You're at the hospital an awful lot, and she has to rehearse, and will be going off to do gigs - are you really so surprised that you want to spend time together when you can? I mean you're in love with her and she's your best friend.'

'Yeah ok...' she gave a sheepish smile because maybe they weren't as pathetic as she feared. 'And that's why living together makes more sense...easier to have proximity. And I like proximity with her.'

'No kidding,' he rolled his eyes playfully and then took a sip of his beer that had arrived with the food. 'So ask her.'

'I thought I might ask her on our one year anniversary?' she couldn't help but have it sound like a question.

'Good plan?'

'I just...do you think she'll say yes?'

'You're kidding right?' he gawped at her and then began to laugh.

'No, I just...you know she has her apartment as she likes it and maybe she doesn't want to share.'

'I think she'd want to share with you,' Bellamy laughed a little more. 'You're like the walking embodiment of her dream come true - you know, literally everything she's ever wanted. I think you're good Princess.'

'Really?' she knew Bellamy would be honest. It was kind of like asking Raven if you looked good in what you were wearing - she'd be brutal. The thing was, Octavia and Raven wouldn't think before answering this kind of question whereas she could see Bellamy considering all aspects of the situation in the silence that stretched between them. History was a lot of examining evidence from every side and angle so he was good at it.

'She's in love with you,' he summarized and she nodded, 'and you love her. You're both good for each other - caring, make each other laugh, debate crap, have your weird nerdy interests like superheroes and crosswords. I mean you're a bit of a slob and she's super neat, but she never seems terribly bothered by that and I've seen you remembering to use actual fucking coasters...so it seems like you're willing to work on it. You want this relationship to progress right? I mean it's your first relationship with a woman...are you happy never...you know, playing the field?'

'I don't want to play the field,' she responded at once, slightly insulted.

'Don't get stroppy, it's a valid question. You're a sexual person Clarke - no point trying to deny that with me. Maybe you think...'

'Bell, trust me, there is no need for me to play the field. Lexa is amazing in bed and anywhere else we fuck, and she's open to...you know...being experimental and all that...'

'She know your kink?'

'I don't have a kink,' she gave him a frown and stole one of his fries as hers were all gone.

'Uh, yeah you do.'

'What is it?'

'Tying your partner up,' he smirked and she laughed,

'Oh fuck, yeah, she knows all about that. And I even let her tie me up!'

'No way,' Bellamy began to laugh, 'marry her...you clearly love her and trust her!'

'I do,' she nodded and her mind rumbled through memories of Lexa between her legs, her hands tied to her rather obliging headboard.

'Head out of the gutter,' Bellamy punched her arm softly.

'Sorry, sorry,' she bit her lip. 'But yeah...I don't need to play the field. Lexa is all good...great, amazing...fuck...' she clicked on her phone so the picture of her girlfriend appeared. 'Hmmm.'

'Ok, you are a little pathetic,' Bellamy decided.

'Yeah, I think so.'

'Text her. I'm going to the restroom,' he stood with a laugh as she unlocked her phone.

 **Clarke** \- What time are you guys going to be done?

 **Lexa** \- Ugh it's taking ages and the others want to do run through because Indra thinks they fucked up the wires. I have my clothes here but I won't get a chance to see you before the show:(

 **Clarke** \- I could come down and bring you all dinner from that Greek deli you love, the one near my place? We could take it to the park across from you for a twenty minute time out?

 **Lexa** \- Oh my god I love you! We were just going to order pizza...so you don't have too..

 **Clarke** \- I want to see you! Even if you only love me for my food!

 **Lexa** \- I love everything about you! Including your generous heart that brings me and my friends Greek food. They all say you're the best girlfriend ever FYI.

 **Clarke** \- Well don't you forget it!

 **Lexa** \- I never would! You know that. God I miss you like crazy. That's the main reason I want Greek food - because I want the delivery girl.

 **Clarke** \- well that can be arranged ;-)

 **Lexa** \- hmmm please. I feel so stressed

 **Clarke** \- This gig was supposed to be small:(

 **Lexa** \- I know. Sometimes things just fuck up and become difficult for no good reason. At least I have my lucky guitar so it won't be all bad:)

 **Clarke** \- Yeah!

 **Lexa** \- And you're coming? Then I'll have my lucky you too.

 **Clarke** \- Of course I'm coming baby. All of us are!

 **Lexa** \- It's you I care about.

 **Lexa** \- I do appreciate the others, but you know it's you that I sing too!

 **Clarke** \- Sappy lil shit aren't you?

 **Lexa** \- Fine - I'll sing to one of my other adoring fans tonight...

 **Clarke** \- You calling me an adoring fan?

 **Lexa** \- well no...I wasn't, but you are, right? ;-)

 **Clarke** \- I'm your number one fan and don't you forget it!

 **Lexa** \- It's hard to forget it when you moan it into my pussy after every gig!

 **Clarke** \- Fuck! Lexa! You never say the P word!

 **Lexa** \- Yeah but it wouldn't have been such an cool comeback if I'd said anything else :-x

 **Clarke** \- Yeah because you're always *so* cool when I'm moaning it into your pussy.

 **Lexa** \- Clarke!

 **Clarke** \- You pussy me then I'm gonna pussy you!

 **Lexa** \- Who's going first? Now I'm lost? :-p

 **Clarke** \- hahaha

 **Clarke** \- And it's always you first after you perform

 **Clarke** \- I find you insanely sexy on stage

 **Lexa** \- Why do you think I do all these dumb local gigs?

 **Clarke** \- You can pretend it's all for the sex but I know you love doing them

 **Lexa** \- Maybe I do...but I love them more since you began rewarding me so enthusiastically post performance...It's a Pavlovian response tbh - I perform and then my body expects the best sex in the world

 **Clarke** \- No pressure, huh!?

 **Lexa** \- Clarke you always exceed any expectation I may have for you and you don't even try. You make me so happy. And you know my body can expects what it damn well likes, but you know I never expect anything - you don't have to reward me with sex!

 **Clarke** \- It's alright I was kidding - I can tell you have fun when we're doing it so I'm not worried about *my* performance. And I adore your Pavlovian response. And you will indeed be getting lucky tonight. Guaranteed;)

 **Lexa** \- Hmmm.. I wish I could get lucky before I perform:( I could totally get behind tzatziki boobs...

 **Clarke** \- You want to get sexy with Greek food! Fucking hell Lexa!

 **Lexa** \- I could easily believe you're Aphrodite! You're my goddess

 **Clarke** \- You're my cheeseball

 **Clarke** \- And I'm pretty sure Aphrodite didn't have tzatziki on her tits

 **Lexa** \- Honestly Clarke, it's not an exaggeration. When you're naked and laid out before me, I swear to god, not that I believe in god, but I swear you're the most beautiful thing in the world. You honestly look like a goddess!

 **Clarke** \- Well if you want to think that I'm not gonna argue

 **Lexa** \- You shouldn't! I've never been more attracted to someone in my life. Still. After over a year of loving you. After nearly a year of having you.

 **Clarke** \- You're making me feel all funny inside Lexa

 **Lexa** \- I wish I was making you feel funny inside

 **Clarke** \- Dirty girl - I was being emotional!

 **Lexa** \- I know :-x

 **Lexa** \- How's Bellamy?

 **Clarke** \- He's good. We haven't hung out just he and I for over a year!

 **Lexa** \- Wow.

 **Lexa** \- Too much me?

 **Clarke** \- Never enough you!

 **Clarke** \- Times change right? He has Rae, I have you. O has Lincoln. You guys have won fucking Grammies. Life changes.

 **Lexa** \- So long as I have you, life can change all it wants! You're not unhappy with things?

 **Clarke** \- Do I seem unhappy?

 **Lexa** \- No. But I should ask. You haven't spent alone time with a friend for over a year because of me!

 **Clarke** \- We're hanging out tonight at your gig and we were all at Copper Tank on Wednesday night, and he and O met me at the hospital for coffee on Monday. I do fine with seeing my friends.

 **Lexa** \- Ok.

 **Clarke** \- You're happy? I should ask too!

 **Lexa** \- Happier than I have ever, ever been.

 **Clarke** \- Me too.

 **Lexa** \- Except when you leave your dirty clothes on the bathroom floor;)

 **Clarke** \- Don't go there Lex!

 **Lexa** \- I was teasing

 **Clarke** \- It's fine. You want me to stop dropping my clothes for you I will...

 **Lexa** \- Please, don't stop

 **Clarke** \- Tell you what, I'll drop all my clothes on the bathroom floor tonight and then sit on the cabinet and spread my legs for you.

 **Lexa** \- Deal

 **Clarke** \- Unless you'd rather I put my clothes in the wash basket first?

 **Lexa** \- Fuck the wash basket. Deal. Fuck - yes take your clothes off anywhere and everywhere. I don't care. But please do.

 **Lexa** \- Well when it's just you and I of course:)

 **Clarke** \- You're cute!

 **Clarke** \- Bell's back. I love you. Greek food for what time?

 **Lexa** \- 5.30?

 **Clarke** \- Ok baby

 **Lexa** \- I love you and thank you

Clarke hugged her phone to her chest for a moment and Bellamy laughed,

'You both do that!' he told her.

'Do what?'

'Hug your phones when you've been texting each other. It's cute.'

'So I'm going to ask her. Easy decision. She's the love of my life.'

'And you're hers.'

'Yeah, I think so.'

 **A/N**

 **So there are a few parallels in this chapter - from previous chapters. The thing is, Clarke's has come a long way and she's not the same girl she was a year or so earlier. I hope it's not annoying:)**


	22. Chapter 22

_Clarke and Lexa are celebrating their one year anniversary with a picnic in the park. Clarke asks Lexa to move in. What was a wonderful, romantic picnic turns sour when Lexa gapes, apparently horrified instead of answering yes._

 _Thanks for the continued support. This was requested by quite a few people. It's kind of emotional:) For obvious reasons._

 _Also, I've posted a bunch of social media things on tumblr to go along with this story and Unsung Heart. It's new text conversations, Instagram and Facebook posts - kinda fun:)_

 _I hope you enjoy and as always love hearing your thoughts :-x_

 **Chapter Twenty-Two**

'I want to live with you Lexa. So I'm asking if you want to move in together?' she said at last, both nervous and excited. She stared at Lexa, who was still without a doubt the most beautiful girl she had ever seen, sat on the picnic blanket, in the sunny park. She'd expected surprise maybe, but really she was sure enough in her relationship with her girlfriend that she had expected happiness of some sort - maybe some apprehension or concerns, but Clarke had honestly expected Lexa to be thrilled, to throw her arms around her and shout "yes!" Instead the girl paled, and her breathing became noticeably heavier and she actually recoiled as though she'd been hit.

'I...' she frowned for a second, her eyes dropping to her hands. 'Uh...' Clarke stared at her in horror because this wasn't anything like what she'd expected and she didn't know what to think, though she felt instantly shattered at the unexpected reaction from her girlfriend.

'It's fine, ok, forget I asked...seriously,' she rushed out, knowing her face had fallen with her devastation. She tried to look unaffected but she knew she failed when Lexa said her name in an impassioned manner,

'Clarke!' But then nothing more came from Lexa's lips and Clarke knew she had to leave, she knew she did before she began to wail her pain in the middle of a park. Maybe she'd misread their relationship. Maybe she'd been so blinded by her own love she'd missed signs from Lexa, things that said Lexa was less and less blinded by her. It was hard to believe that - Lexa was so wonderful, so infinitely kind and caring. And yet Clarke knew that she'd been busy with the end of the semester, the end of her degree, there was so much to do and she'd been stressed, and perhaps inconsiderate. But Lexa had said she was happy, she had. When Lexa had checked with her via text, she'd checked back and been reassured that Lexa was happy with their relationship. So why? They weren't too young, they'd been together a long time, they were good together - better than good - and they were practically living together already. Lexa was still staring, unable to speak, but her face spoke a thousand words - that she didn't want to live with her was obvious. Lexa was clearly horrified at her suggestion but Clarke was hurt, devastated, and panicked that this relationship she had considered so incredibly strong, might actually be over - because if they weren't on the same page there was a problem. Lexa reached a hand out to try and mollify her, her hand gripping the outside of Clarke's, but she moved her hand out of Lexa's grasp and began to pack the picnic stuff haphazardly away.

'It's ok...I just thought...well nevermind...I guess I thought wrong,' she didn't even know why she was talking, her voice sounded awful - thick with tears. Lexa's silence had spoken volumes. She picked up the notebook Lexa had given her - an amazing, intimate gift - and fiddled with it, her eyes wet with tears. Why give her the book? Was it a parting gift? Why act like she loved her so much if she didn't want her? Her thoughts began to spiral, out of control.

'Clarke,' Lexa managed to say her name, but just saying her name wasn't enough. Clarke couldn't stay, not if this was a conversation about how to end it. About how Clarke had foolishly seen their relationship in a way that Lexa didn't. She didn't want that conversation and she was absolutely willing to run away from it. Lexa had to change her mind, and Clarke would do anything to make that happen. The thought of losing Lexa was too awful, and she knew she must be in shock because not once in the last year had she ever considered the notion that Lexa wasn't as into the relationship as her.

'Look forget it ok?' she tried to look indifferent as she shoved things away, tried to hold it all together just long enough to get away. 'Look, fuck...I'm going to go,' she managed to rasp.

'Don't go,' Lexa grabbed her hand successfully, her cool fingers wrapping around hers, 'please don't,' Lexa wasn't crying but she sounded on the brink of tears.

'You should have seen your face,' she sniffed as she tugged her hand away from her girlfriends. 'I thought...I thought that we were there, and God...your face. It looked like I'd hit you...I have to go...' A tear escaped her eye and she sniffed, looking down for a moment, to try and not cry.

'Clarke,' Lexa said her name but still she just stood there uselessly, not saying anything to mend the situation and Clarke felt mortification curl through her at what must be her own obliviousness. She must have missed something.

'Forget it,' she muttered as she stood and swung her bag onto her back. 'Just...forget it...I fuck...I'm an idiot and yeah...'

'Don't leave,' Lexa said again. 'Don't...' she stood but it was too late and Clarke just shook her head slightly and walked off. She half expected Lexa to stop her, but her girlfriend just watched her walk away.

She began to cry in earnest with her back now to Lexa, and when she reached the children's play park towards the western edge of the park she sat on a swing and tugged out her phone.

 **Clarke** \- Can one of you please come get me? Please?

 **Raven** \- Tell me where you are and I'll be there as soon as I can.

 **XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

'Hey,' Raven sat beside her on the bench. She'd been forced to vacate the swing by some girl who kept asking her why she was crying. When the mom of the girl had come over to "check her out" she'd moved to the bench, claiming - through tears - that she was "just fine." The woman had sat with her for a while until her daughter had come over crying after a fall and they'd left.

'Can we go?' she couldn't look at Raven, just sunk into her warm side.

'What happened Clarke?'

'She...I...' her words weren't working. How could she encapsulate what had happened? What had actually happened? 'I don't think she wants me anymore,' she breathed at length, the tears coming in fresh waves.

'Who?' Raven sounded ridiculously baffled - surely it was obvious.

'Lexa,' she brushed the tears from her eyes uselessly - more just kept taking their place.

'What? Are you crazy? Of course she wants you!' Raven actually laughed.

'I don't think so...I thought it was all fine but...she...she...'

'She what?'

'I asked if she wanted to move in together and she looked like I'd punched her,' she attempted.

'So she was surprised. I mean I don't know why when you are practically living at her place, but she was probably just taken aback for a moment. What did she say after?'

'Nothing. Rae, she said nothing. She gaped and stammered and watched me leave.'

'You're not joking? This isn't some weird prank? Or a Joey Tribbiani fake out?'

'No,' Clarke stood and Raven got up and walked beside her. 'She was surprised but it wasn't in a good way. Fuck...I think she wants to break up with me,' she began to cry again. Raven took her arm and led her up the sidewalk and to her jeep. She opened the car door and helped her in.

'Where do you want to go?' Raven asked gently as she got in beside her. Clarke stared out at the sunny park, filled with children and parents, and people having fun. That had been her not long ago and now...now she was teetering on the edge of something life altering. She'd thought herself in love before Lexa. She'd been besotted with Finn, and there had even been a time (before they actually slept together) when she thought she might have loved Bellamy. But Lexa - Lexa had taken her concept of love and relationships and shaken it out then expanded it. Her love for Lexa was like a patchwork quilt. It had started as just one square of material, all one colour and from there had expanded out into an intricate and colourful quilt of different feelings and emotions, of events and conversations. Lexa wasn't a simple love even though loving her was simple. It was a complex, multidimensional experience that had shown her how wrong she had been when she'd considered herself in love before. She would die for Lexa. She would die without Lexa. Maybe not physically but inside her heart and her head. She only vaguely heard Raven on her phone.

'Hey...yeah...something happened...I'm not entirely sure. Can you grab Bell... Yeah...ok... I'm gonna head to Abby and Jakes, if you guys think that's ok?...sure... Yeah ok... Probably twenty minutes?...yeah...ok... Can you call them?...just say Clarke's in a bad way... Sure...ok...' Raven hung up and Clarke stared at her uncertainly, before drawing her knees up to her chin and wrapping her arms around them.

'We're going to pick up O and Bell and head to your parents, ok?'

'Ok,' she whispered, before resting her head on the car window.

 **XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO**

Somehow Clarke found herself ensconced on her parents couch, her mother's arm around her as she sniffed and tried to explain what had happened.

'Lexa said no?' Her mom was frowning and her dad had his worried face on.

'Why would she say no? She's so obviously madly in love?' Jake perched on the arm of a chair, a definite no no, but her mom didn't even scold him.

'Why would she say no? I don't understand,' her mom was shaking her head and looking to her friends for answers.

'She didn't say anything...just...just...sat there looking, looking like I'd suggested we go drown kittens,' Clarke felt fresh tears bubble out of her eyes.

'Oh baby,' her mom wrapped her in her arms. 'I'm sure this is just a misunderstanding. Lexa loves you. She's crazy about you.'

'Moms right kiddo. That girl would do anything for you!' her father reassured.

'What if you're wrong?' she burst out, 'what if...what if her feelings have changed? What if I've been too busy with school to notice? What if...what if she's trying to work out if she still wants to be with me, while I..I foolishly suggest we live together?'

'She arranged that picnic to celebrate your anniversary Clarke,' Octavia pointed out. 'Gave you a gift. Why would she do all that if she wasn't sure?'

'And you said she told you she's still into you like she was at the beginning?' Raven pointed out.

'Physically. But relationships are more than just sex, right?' she sniffed and grabbed more tissues to blow her nose. 'Maybe...maybe...she's been trying...trying to feel how she used to and...and...'

'Clarke she's in love with you,' Octavia burst out. 'I'm sorry but I just refuse to believe that she's not. She looks at you like the world starts and stops with you.'

Maybe that's just attraction?' she sniffled.

'Pah,' Bellamy scoffed, 'no way. There's just no way.'

'Then why? I get that maybe she's not ready...maybe she isn't as sure as I am..'

'She is. Definitely,' her mom interrupted.

'Then why freak out like that? Why look so...so...' she tried to come up with a word that described Lexa in that moment, 'horrified?'

'Maybe she thought you'd be upset if she said no?' Raven offered.

'Or if she just wasn't ready?' Bellamy embellished.

'Maybe she'd planned some big romantic way to ask you, and was completely thrown when you asked first?' Octavia offered and everyone nodded at that.

'Why won't you guys believe me, this wasn't a good reaction. It wasn't "oh shit I'm not ready," it was so much more. And why worry that no will upset me when saying nothing clearly devastated me?'

'I don't know. But we'll get to the bottom of this,' her mom reassured but she just began to cry again,

'But what if the bottom of this is that she doesn't love me? Or want me anymore?'

'She wants you Clarke,' Raven insisted.

'You don't know that! I mean why else react like this?'

'She's not had an easy life Clarke...maybe she has issues?' Octavia offered.

'About being happy?' Clarke scoffed and then crumpled, 'unless I don't make her happy?'

'Any fool can see that you do,' Bellamy told her. 'I wouldn't have encouraged you to ask when we talked if I didn't think she was one hundred percent ready for it.'

'What if it's an act? What if she's been falling out of love with me slowly but surely? What if I haven't been making her happy? What if I've been actively making her sad?' she felt light headed and knew she was beginning to hyperventilate.

'Smell the flowers Clarke,' her father urged, 'then blow out the candles...deep breaths honey..'

'I don't think you all get it. I love her and if she doesn't what me...I don't know what I'll do...'

'She does want you,' Raven said.

'Then where is she? Why did she let me leave? Why didn't she say anything?'

'She said nothing? She didn't ask you to stay?' Octavia's brow was furrowed.

'She did...yes she did,' she admitted, 'but she sounded so hollow...so dutiful...I just...I don't know what happened.'

'I'm going to make the tea Clarke, ok? You guys just wait here and just take some deep breaths. One way or another this will all be sorted and we're all going to be here for you,' her mom squeezed her arm and headed into the kitchen with her dad, muttering about finals and how it made no sense.

'I don't understand,' she whispered to her friends.

'Neither do I, to be honest,' Octavia took Abby's space on the couch. 'I just think...that maybe if you'd spoken to her...'

'I couldn't O, don't you get it? What was I supposed to say? What if she doesn't want to live with me? What if she doesn't want me anymore? What if she doesn't feel what I feel? What if this means more to me than her? Fuck. I'm so scared. I'm so fucking scared,' she grabbed a pillow and clutched it tightly to her chest, once again checking her phone. 'And if she wants me...if she loves me...why...why hasn't she contacted me?' her voice felt broken as it forced its way out around the lump in her throat.

'I don't know Clarke, but you'll never convince me she doesn't want to be with you unless I hear her say it,' Octavia told her.

'Same here,' Raven shrugged.

'Gotta agree. I just...I feel bad,' Bellamy shook his head, 'I feel like I told you this was a good idea...and maybe I missed something...'

'Shut up Bell,' Octavia glared at him. 'You didn't miss anything. There was nothing to fucking miss except Lexa making heart eyes at this one and missing her...'

'Maybe that's the problem,' Clarke broke in, 'maybe she's sick of me never being there? Maybe she feels like it would be no fun to live with someone who works all the time and...'

'Maybe she should talk to you about that,' Octavia filled in, as Abby and Jake returned with a tray with a pot of tea, mugs, milk and sugar.

'Clarke, your dad and I have been talking...' her mom perched on the coffee table opposite her.

'And?' she flicked her eyes between her serious parents.

'And this isn't Lexa. I'm sorry...I know you feel justified in your fears but...that girl loves you...we just don't believe that the problem is how she feels about you. You need to talk to her Clarke, because there's something wrong, we just don't think it's you.'

'Mom's right. Running away is understandable but not how to solve problems.'

'I know,' she sighed, 'I know...I get it...I just...I'm just so scared.'

'If there is something wrong, if this relationship is over, the only way you can hope to change that is by talking to her.'

'And what am I supposed to say? She hasn't contacted me! She obviously doesn't want to talk to me!'

'Let's drink some tea and give it some time. Maybe she needs to talk to her people, yeah?' Octavia said and Clarke looked at her, phone in her hand. She knew that her friend would be texting Lincoln, and she was relieved to be honest. She needed to get this resolved because this dreadful anticipation of doom was torture.

'I shouldn't have left,' she whispered. 'I know I shouldn't but I didn't want to fall apart in front of her...I ran away because I was scared.'

 **XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO**

They all sat in silence and drank their tea, every one tapping on their phones. She knew they were probably texting Lincoln or even Lexa, but she couldn't care. Her love for Lexa wasn't going to go anywhere and if Lexa decided she didn't want her...the pain would be unbearable and was also not going to go anywhere. Despite her fears she still couldn't quite believe Lexa didn't love her. That Lexa didn't want her. The girl was tender and sweet with her, she laughed with her and would do anything to spend time together. It just didn't seem likely and yet why had this all happened? The vibration of her phone on her lap caught her attention.

 **Lexa** \- We need to talk

'No, no, no, no, no,' she began to chant, her stomach churning at the surge of adrenalin in her system and typed rapidly.

 **Clarke** \- no no no no

She stood and ran up the stairs to her old room, not looking at Lexa's new message until she was curled up in the corner of her bed.

 **Lexa** \- I love you and I still want to be with you, more than anything. There are just some things I haven't shared that I should have. I'm sorry.

Secrets. She could deal with secrets. She knew there were some in Lexa's past because her girlfriend hated to talk about it, didn't want Clarke to worry about her, to feel bad for her. But maybe it was her? She couldn't assume that Lexa was being honest. Perhaps she was just buying time?

 **Clarke** \- You're not going to end this? Please don't. I can change.

 **Lexa** \- Don't change. Not who you are - you're perfect. There is no way I'm ending this. Never. Not ever.

Relief surged through her at the words followed by a kick of anger.

 **Clarke** \- Then what the fuck happened? I thought...fuck...I feel like an idiot Lexa.

 **Lexa** \- Why? I'm the idiot.

 **Clarke** \- I thought we were so definitely there. Ready

 **Lexa** \- We are.

 **Clarke** \- So what happened? Why am I crying at my parents house with my friends on our anniversary instead of in bed with you celebrating?

 **Lexa** \- Because I'm an idiot. Like I said.

 **Clarke** \- You are actually.

 **Lexa** \- Please can I come see you? Please?

 **Clarke** \- We should talk, right? :(

 **Lexa** \- I'm in love with you and I do want to live with you. I want my entire life with you. I just have stuff I need to share. I'm scared.

 **Clarke** \- Scared? I'm not a secret bitch. It's no secret that at PMT time I'm a feisty bitch, but God...you know me Lexa!

 **Lexa** \- That's not why I'm scared. I need to speak to you. I can't do it on text.

 **Clarke** \- You'll come here?

 **Lexa** \- Yes.

 **Clarke** \- Are you upset? Calm? What's you're emotional state.

 **Lexa** \- I'm fucking distraught Clarke, how do you think I am?

 **Clarke** \- Then get Lincoln to drive you. I don't want you hurt.

 **Lexa** \- Fuck, I love you.

 **Clarke** \- I'm so mad and hurt and I don't know what else right now.

 **Lexa** \- I understand.

 **Clarke** \- But I do love you too. I wouldn't be so mad, hurt and everything else if I didn't.

 **Lexa** \- I'll be there soon.

 **Clarke** \- Ok.

Clarke lowered her phone and wiped at her eyes, unsurprised to see Raven and Octavia on the end of her bed and Bellamy on the floor, even though she hadn't heard them come in.

'What did she say?' Octavia asked and Clarke gave them her phone, watching as it was passed around from person to person.

'Well there's a reason she freaked out,' Octavia said. 'And she's going to share it.'

'And she loves you and wants what you want.'

'What do you think the secret is?' Bellamy asked.

'I don't care. I just want her here and in my arms. If she loves me and she wants me, I don't care.'

'She hurt you. Aren't you angry? You told her you're angry,' Raven gave her a look.

'I was when I wrote it...I just, I think sometimes things can really fuck us up and Lexa has had the kind of fucked up life I don't think we can even comprehend.'

'That's true,' Raven's brow pursed. Life hadn't been easy on Raven either - easier in some ways than it had been on Lexa, but then again, Clarke thought, who was she to judge how hard someone's life had been and in what ways it had affected them.

 **XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

 **XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

Clarke was beginning to feel fidgety and impatient. Lexa should be at her house soon and she was desperate to see her. The turmoil in her head was effecting her body - she kept crying, even though she no longer thought Lexa was ending their relationship. However, the thought of Lexa going through something so traumatic that it caused that reaction in her made her ache inside for her girlfriend. She wanted to hold her and keep her safe from the world that was far crueler than she liked. Her friends were talking in low voices, teasing each other, and trying to keep conversation light. Octavia and Raven were still beside her - one on either side now, and when she started to cry either one would tuck her into her side. When a knock sounded at the door, her heart rate spiked and everyone in the room looked at her.

'Come in,' she croaked and the door opened slowly. Lexa, her beautiful Lexa, was stood there looking broken. The too big hoody swamping her frame, the smudged mascara making her eyes dark. Her beautiful green eyes were rimmed with red and Clarke felt overwhelmed - with love and sorrow and fear for what her girl had gone through. Her heart had stuttered as the door opened and acting on instinct, she flew up from the bed and jumped onto her girlfriend, arms and legs wrapped tightly around her, as she buried her face in her neck. For a second Lexa seemed stunned, but then her arms wrapped around her, holding her up by her butt as they turned their faces into each other.

'I'm sorry,' she whispered finding Lexa's mouth and kissing her heatedly. She was sorry. Lexa had asked her not to go and she'd run. Run away from this beautiful girl and that wasn't fair or right, not when she'd made Lexa promise not to do that.

'No,' Lexa shook her head. 'You're mad at me. You have every right to be mad and hurt by me.'

'Yes, but I ran away. I yelled at you when you ran away. Remember? I said we'd argue but we had to stay and sort things out. You asked me to stay and I ran - because I was scared. Then I called you an idiot and that was just so unfair. I can't tell you to be ready just because I am. I'm so sorry Lexa,' she leaned back a little so that she was staring into Lexa's eyes, which had filled up with fat tears which then spilled down her cheeks. Clarke didn't really hear her friends make their excuses and leave, all she was really concerned with was Lexa, with tucking her in close to her side and understanding what had happened.

Clarke listened as Lexa spoke about Costia - the truth about a girl she had brushed over lightly in the early days as if she were nothing more than a causal fling and Clarke thought to be angry and hurt. Maybe they were the logical emotions associated with deceit, but Lexa not telling her hadn't been about that. It wasn't about hiding from Clarke, but was more about hiding from herself, more about self doubt pulled from a traumatic experience. Clarke knew that some people might think Lexa's reaction was over the top but not her - she knew her girlfriend. The woman she loved had lost so much, had so little to hold on to and next to nothing to call her own, and she was sweet and kind, loving and generous, and of course she would feel guilt because she had given Costia an ultimatum that night. That Costia's death was different and unusual, tragic really, couldn't have helped. That it was so unnecessary must have made it worse, but Nia - the girl who was probably so overwhelmed with guilt herself - blaming Lexa, playing into her fears, her kindness and her own isolation within the world - that must have embedded it into the fabric of who Lexa was. Clarke knew that Lexa had downplayed the beating she was given - for Nia to end up in prison it had to have been bad, and she now second guessed the scars she'd found on her girlfriends body. But she wouldn't push. All she wanted to do was love and understand.

Eventually Lexa's story finished, and Clarke tried to help her. She desperately wanted her to stop blaming herself and take this opportunity to find happiness together. But the conversation wasn't really about that, it was about Lexa and wanting her to be in a position where she felt that she deserved this life she'd worked so hard for. Then the conversation flowed into living together, and Lexa's sincere affirmation of her desire to do that. Clarke felt peace fill her because she was relieved. Her happiness was tied up in Lexa and she could have accepted that Lexa wasn't ready, would have done, but the open and honest sincerity from her girlfriend got rid of her insecurities and returned her to the lofty heights she'd been sailing since she and Lexa decided to make their relationship official. Clarke had spent a year been unashamedly secure in her relationship, in Lexa's feelings for her, and this episode had shaken her, but not much in the end.

'I just love you,' Lexa told her sloppily, staring at her with virtual hearts in her eyes, even as tears splashed down her cheeks.

'You're crying because you love me?' She smiled brightly at the sappy girl.

'I'm crying because you love me back,' Lexa admitted with a shrug, and that summed up the whole event for Clarke, this girl who so deserved love had doubted that she was worth it because she'd had a life time of being abandoned and blamed when things went wrong. Clarke actually felt she better understood Lexa's apprehension when things had first started between them, because it made sense that Lexa expected heart break. She expected people to die and people to leave. She vowed in that moment to never, ever leave Lexa unless Lexa truly didn't want her. She kissed her then, trying to convey everything in that one kiss.

'You know what Lexa?' she pulled back and looked at wet green eyes.

'What?' Lexa was looking at her like she was everything and it made her stomach clench deliciously.

'I'm gonna make love to you,' she told her, pressing another kiss against her lips before Lexa pulled back looking adorably confused. Clarke smiled widely and explained, 'all that means is that each kiss means I love you, each touch of your skin means I care, each time I push my fingers into you means I want you, and each time I close my eyes it's because I'm overwhelmed by how much you mean to me,' her eyes slid shut and she pressed her forehead against Lexa's, who swallowed, her hand tightening on her thigh.

'What does it mean at other times?' Lexa asked, and Clarke swore she could hear the loud beat of the other girls heart. She chuckled self-deprecatingly at that, because she knew full well that she was hopelessly addicted to fucking,

'Oh it means the same,' she admitted with a small blush, 'but I'm usually very...all about the sex,' she wasn't embarrassed about this, 'I love fucking you Lexa. I love you fucking me. I like it hot and heated, and fast and hard, and fuck...I like it every which way. Which you know,' Clarke dropped a kiss on her nose and then smiled. 'I just wanna go slow today. I know what each touch and kiss means. Maybe you do too. But today I want you to feel it. I feel like you have never had anyone worship you slowly.'

'Clarke,' Lexa's eyes filled with tears and Clarke couldn't help but smile at that and brush away the moisture from under one eye,

'That response just proves it to me,' she pressed a soft kiss next to her eye, then on her cheek, then by the corner of her mouth, before she pressed their lips together. She wanted to kiss Lexa forever, to show her that she was worthy, and wonderful, that she deserved to be worshiped. The kiss may have been slow, but it was close, intimate, and fucking sexy. She slid closer on Lexa's lap, and winding her arms around Lexa's strong shoulders just gave herself over to kissing the girl she hoped would be with her forever.


	23. Chapter 23

_Clarke meets up with Raven and Octavia for drinks and talks about living with Lexa and an argument they had. Then Clarke has an argument with Lexa, the same one again, about washing up - they make up. Then Lexa is behaving weirdly in the middle of the night. Two more and we're done!_

 _Thank you, thank you for the reviews, favourites and follows - it means a lot - to me:) If you don't feel like commenting here, just come and find me on tumblr or Twitter:)_

 _I got experimental and did a bunch of those social media things to go along with Unsung Heart and this story. They're a lot of fun. They're on my tumblr if you want to take a look. Lots of new texting conversations, Instagram posts, Facebook - that kind of thing. tabithacraft_

 **Chapter Twenty-Three**

'Soooo,' Raven gave her a very searching look as they sat down at the bar in Copper Tank.

'Sooooo?' she mimicked.

'Girls,' Kane appeared behind the bar and grinned at her specifically. 'It's good to see you Clarke. It feels like its been months!'

'Well, I did spend most of the summer in here but residency kinda kiboshes that kinda fun,' she rolled her eyes.

'Well I've missed you, ' Kane nodded wryly, making Raven laugh. It was true that Copper Tank had a thriving business thanks to local fans who knew Trikru frequented the establishment. 'It's a shame you're not able to work here anymore either - you were a good worker!'

'She's a better doctor than barkeep,' Raven told him.

'So your residency started, huh? Going well? And I hope that's that why I haven't seen you in here, so much?' Kane chuckled, clearly amused, 'I was worried you'd taken my threat to ban you from the stock room seriously and gone else where.' She felt herself flushing at his tease and chose to ignore it,

'Residency is intense and that's a massive understatement.'

'Don't listen to her. She and sexy Lexi have been holed up in domestic bliss for the last three months - they only leave the apartment for food and work,' Raven teased and Kane laughed loudly.

'And drinks with annoying friends,' she rolled her eyes.

'You moved in together?' he said and she nodded,

'Back in the summer.'

'Congratulations Clarke! This drink is on the house - it's nice to see you so happy,' he gave her a nod and moved off down the bar.

'Soooo,' Raven drawled out the word, eyeing her.

'Spit it out.'

'How's it all going? It's been two fucking weeks since we've spent any proper time together.'

'I know, I know. I'm sorry. It's so crazy at the moment.'

'So tell me the gossip?'

'It's fucking tough, Rae, I feel like I'm walking on egg shells all the time and...'

'What?' Raven scowled looking confused.

'Seriously, I swear the one nurse, Michelle, has got it out for me, and everything I say - she blows up for no reason to the chief. And fuck, but I'm tired. If it wasn't for Lexa I don't know what I'd do.'

'I'm not interested in your residency Clarke,' Raven gave her scathing look, 'give me the dirt on living with Lexa - you've had enough time for some serious bickering by now!'

'Residency is this huge thing in my life!' Clarke did her best to look offended.

'And we'll get around to talking about it, once I know all of the Commanders quirks, details of the arguments and the making up,' she winked, as Octavia approached the bar out of breath. She promptly swatted Raven around the back of her head.

'Ow,' her friend clutched her head dramatically.

'You don't dig for dirt and gossip before I get here.'

'No fear O, there isn't any,' Clarke shrugged and drank her beer.

'Bullshit,' Raven gave her a knowing smirk and Octavia laughed, as they moved to a table.

'I'm with Rae.'

'Ok so we did argue the other night,' she admitted to her eager friends.

'Do tell,' the way Raven rubbed her hands together gleefully which was a little off putting.

'Don't look so fucking thrilled,' Octavia chastised.

'Oh come on - they're so fucking perfect...' Raven defended.

'We're not perfect,' she protested.

'Apparently not,' Raven waited expectantly. 'And I want the making up too.'

'Ok, so we were chilling out. It was my first evening off in three days and I was so tired. Lexa was super sweet and ran me a bath and made this delicious lasagna which we were going to eat on the couch with the Avengers movie.'

'This sounds awful Clarke, just awful,' Raven spoke dramatically.

'It was going to be the perfect evening, but somehow we got onto Ghost.'

'Ghost? I don't understand?' Octavia sipped at her beer Kane had subtly brought over. 'Lexa thinks ghosts are real? Or a particular ghost is real?'

'No, nothing like that. Ghost the movie,' Clarke explained. 'Demi Moore, Patrick Swayze and Whoopi Goldberg.'

'Never seen it,' Raven shook her head.

'Well that's what Lexa said,' she tsked and gave a shake of her head.

'Oh my god...are we actually about to sit here and listen to an argument you guys had about some crappy movie no ones even watched?' Raven's eyes widened.

'Well I haven't finished,' she gave Raven a pointed look.

'Did you argue about Ghost?' Raven asked, Octavia snickering as Clarke nodded in the affirmative. 'Lame.'

Try again,' Octavia told her.

'But she didn't believe me that Whoopi won an Oscar for it!'

'Wait, what?' Octavia put a hand over Ravens protesting mouth, when it looked like she was about to press for more interesting gossip.

'She won the Oscar for best supporting actress!' Clarke clarified.

'Whoopi Goldberg has an Oscar?' Octavia sat back, clearly surprised and Clarke let out a huff,

'She's an amazing actress, why wouldn't she?'

'Well...because she's...I don't know...she's usually in comedies...'

'She was in The Colour Purple,' Clarke pointed out with a pout. 'And Ghost wasn't a comedy.'

'What was it?' Octavia asked, hand still over Raven's mouth.

'More of a drama I guess,' she summarized. 'Patrick gets murdered and Demi is devastated. Whoopi is the clairvoyant who Patrick uses to get in touch with Demi from the other side,' she explained enthusiastically.

'I'm sorry, but nope. No way they gave an Oscar to any body in a movie that sounds as lame as that,' Octavia shook her head.

'That's what Lexa said,' she grinned because finally someone got it.

'And didn't you just google it and prove it to her?' Raven snarked having finally yanked Octavia's hand away, which Octavia wiped on her jeans before pulling out her phone.

'Well yes,' she admitted as Octavia furiously tapped away on her phone.

'Oh my god, she's not lying,' Octavia sounded way too surprised, just like Lexa had.

'That's what Lexa said and in that exact tone!' she explained.

'And you what? Got mad? Got offended?'

'Well no. I told her she can't diss a movie she's never seen.'

'Ooh, you gonna break up?' Raven muttered sarcastically, with a dramatic double hand flutter.

'Ah fuck off,' Clarke flicked her. 'We argued about washing up the other day as well.'

'Now that's the shit I'm talking about. She get all snarky cos you didn't do the washing up?' Raven rubbed her hands together gleefully and Clarke bit her lip and shook her head,

'Er..not exactly...'

'Then what?' Raven sat back defeated.

'I got cross at her,' she explained.

'But why? Doesn't Lexa do all the washing up?'

'Well yeah - that's what we argued about - what we've argued about a few times.'

'You had an argument because your girlfriend did the washing up. Fuck you and your problems,' Raven scoffed.

'Sometimes her perfection makes me feel...less than perfect. Sometimes she needs to leave things for me, let me take care of her...'

'Well I get that,' Octavia nodded, 'a partner can do too much sometimes, right? It can make you feel inadequate...'

'Exactly. She's always so on it, and I'm a fucking whirlwinding gong show...'

'Well yeah, you are - not your fault true...but you know that's why she's on it,' Raven was staring at her like she was mad.

'Huh?'

'Everyone's been telling her residency is going to be a shit storm...' Raven began and Clarke interrupted,

'Everyone?'

'Your parents, your dad especially, you, even us...she's just doing her absolute best to make it easier for yo. She's sweet like that.'

'That's true,' she blushed a little when she thought of how caring Lexa was. 'She's finding a cleaner for us.'

'For fucks sake...don't moan about that girl, unless it's because she's hurt you...or too demanding in bed, or you know, genuinely irritating,' Raven told her.

'Hmmm,' Clarke couldn't help but smile, 'she's kind of amazing.'

'Yeah she is,' Octavia punched her arm. 'But you're allowed to vent at us. Ignore Rae. Even the people we love and adore annoy us sometimes for no good reason, and it's important you have people who will one, take your side, and two, know that you still love the person to pieces even if you want to vent.'

'Thanks O,' she smiled at her friend and grinned at Raven's officious nodding. 'I don't really have much dirt to be honest. I'm sure we're going to argue...you know...but really it's the best decision I ever made...'

'To live with Lexa?'

'Yeah, that. To try something with her...all of it. Lexa in general.'

'Yeah I agree,' Raven smiled. 'She makes you happy.'

'Yeah.'

'And she got you that fucking awesome moped.'

'Yeah. Best birthday present ever,' Clarke smirked. 'And you know...there are little things. We are human you know? I drive her nuts because I don't put my dirty clothes in the laundry basket and she drives me nuts because she always shuts doors way too loudly and for a girl that can dance so well, she's fucking clumsy let me tell you.'

'Well it is good to know you're human and not some crazy AI's.'

'We're human,' she stated, even though the things that were annoying weren't all that annoying. 'Now tell me about you guys. How are things with Bell and Lincoln?'

'Well not perfect,' Raven admitted, 'he drives me nuts.'

'I heard you and your nuts drive him nuts...' Clarke laughed.

 **XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXO**

'Why are we arguing about this again?' Lexa huffed, hands on hips and jaw tight. Clarke tried really hard to find her inner calm, to remember why Lexa kept doing these sorts of things, but she was tired and her frustration got the better of her,

'Because I said I was going to wash up and you swooped in and did it before I could. You don't need to do everything, you know?'

'But you didn't wash up, did you? You went to shower!' Lexa defended herself, gesturing to the draining board full of gleaming pots and pans.

'That didn't mean you had to go and do it for me. You cooked! I can pull my weight you know?'

'But I don't mind. I know you're exhausted. Why can't I look after you?'

'Maybe I want to look after you, Lexa? Maybe I don't want to feel guilty all the time and inadequate because you're doing everything,' Clarke sighed and took a deep breath. 'Look, I just hate you doing everything - it's not fair and I want our relationship to be equal.'

'But I don't do everything!' Lexa scoffed, a little haughty and Clarke sighed because she clearly didn't get it.

'I know you don't mind, God, I get that. I believe you don't mind too. And Lexa, it's super sweet that you want to take care of me, but I love you. I want to take care of you too...and sometimes all I have to do that demonstrates that is the fucking washing up.'

'But that's not true,' Lexa shook her head, green eyes wide. Clarke tsked softly in disagreement and then looked at her. When she did she felt her stomach tighten, because her girlfriend looked so sweet and innocent in that moment, eyes wide and sincere, hands curled round the sleeves of a too big hoody, 'it really isn't true Clarke. You...you hug me every night in bed, and doodle me little sketches on your notepad at the hospital and then send them to me...even just that - texting me whenever you can means so much. You ask me about my music, my day, and you listen to what I've been working on, give your opinion. You sit curled up into me whenever you can, drawing patterns on my skin even if you're dozing. You make me laugh, like literally giggle through a shit scary episode of the Walking Dead - no one else makes me giggle.'

'And that's enough?' her voice cracked a little, all her frustration oozing out of her because Lexa was adorable and sweet and it was so fucking obvious she loved her.

'Yes,' Lexa answered simply and sincerely. Clarke felt a different kind of energy take the place of her frustration, a far pleasanter energy that often followed her angrier emotions,

'Well,' she stepped a little closer to Lexa, still unable to fathom how one person could be quite so gorgeous. And be hers. All hers. 'seeing as I'm all clean, and the washing up is all done, how about I put that scrap of energy I still have to good use?' she purred and Lexa's brow pursed for a second, before she gasped out an 'oh' sound when Clarke stepped into her personal space, pressing her tight against the kitchen counter, hands smoothing appreciatively over her slim hips covered only by a small pair of pyjama shorts. The soft whimper that escaped her girlfriend sent a surge of energy through her and she began to devour her - there wasn't really a better word for it. It wasn't what she'd intended but the girl was a fucking goddess and hers, and she was horny and tired, and the thought of Lexa's smooth skin on hers, her fingers in her, the thought of the way her goddamn eyes fell shut when she came...it was enough to bring a moan to her lips as she pulled and tugged at Lexa's clothes, managing to pull the hoody off of her.

'Clarke,' Lexa hummed her name into her neck, hoisting herself onto the sideboard at Clarke's insistence. Clarke moaned her approval as Lexa's lean legs wrapped around her and her cool hands pushed her sleep shorts off of her and tugged her tank off her. Lexa's greedy hands were at once grasping at her chest, rolling, flicking, palming. Somehow she was naked and Lexa was wrapped around her, bottoms on and tank tucked up under her arms exposing her pretty boobs as she eagerly kissed, licked and stroked her. It wasn't long before Lexa's hand was trailing fire down her side and dipping between her legs where she was embarrassingly wet. She moaned into the kiss but pushed Lexa's hand away, despite the fact that she wanted it there so badly.

'No,' she kissed her girlfriends pout, moving her hands to the edge of Lexa's pyjama shorts and pulling them, until she was dragging them off of long legs, and settling herself back between Lexa's legs. It was annoying that the counter was so high, too high. She wanted to feel Lexa against her, to rub together, but the counter was a few inches too high for that. Instead, she tugged her girlfriends ass to the edge and dropped her mouth between her thighs, loving the sexy gasp she released and the way her thighs tightened around her head, as she licked the delicious taste of turned on Lexa into her mouth. Giving Lexa oral was insanely gratifying - the girl became super vocal, and the feeling of her hands tugging at her hair as she sucked and licked, drove Clarke wild. Of course she already felt wild. It had been too long, even though by most people's standards it hadn't been long at all, and she needed to have Lexa lose it, needed the sound of her coming in her ears, needed to feel her push into her face, feel her wet for her, and hear her gasp her name as she came.

'Fuck, Clarke,' Lexa was already moaning loudly, her hips canting forward towards her mouth. Clarke toyed with the idea of using her fingers, but wanted to make the girl fall apart with her mouth, wanted every last taste and smell. She slid one hand up Lexa's body to grab at a perfect boob, nipple hard and jutting against the fabric of her tank which had slipped back down. She moaned her appreciation at the feel of it in her hand, even as she sighed at the feel of Lexa's firm ass in her other hand, which she kneaded and squeezed until Lexa was chanting her name, until Lexa's thighs clamped around her ears and she pretty much screamed her release. She changed her ministrations just slightly then, softened them, helped Lexa through her orgasm, did what she could to draw it out, before raising her head to kiss her, to let her taste herself in their kiss.

Lexa hummed her appreciation, but Clarke wasn't done with her. She pulled her around her waist and awkwardly shuffled them through to the dining room, where she sat Lexa on the dining table - a much better height for what she wanted. Lexa's eyes were oozing adoration, and she looked thoroughly fucked in exactly the right way. Clarke kissed her, pushing her body back between Lexa's legs and fuck but everything rubbed just right - so much amazing cross contamination which was absolutely what she wanted and needed. She wanted to be inside Lexa sometimes.

'Oh fuck,' Lexa dropped an arm to the table to hold herself in position as Clarke thrust into her, rubbing close and hard and driving herself insane in the process.

'You feel so good,' she hissed. 'Like better than anything else ever. God I love you...'

'I love you,' Lexa panted, teeth nipping her shoulder, her neck, dragging her earlobe into her perfect hot mouth.

'I love how wet you are. I love feeling you sliding against me. I love coming like this,' she began to swivel her hips slightly with each move, the effect on them both instantaneous.

'I'm gonna come soon if you do that,' Lexa's feet dug into her ass, keeping them tight together.

'Come with me...please,' she begged, moaning as Lexa began to palm her boobs, to brush over her hard nipples. She absolutely loved Lexa playing with her chest. 'Yeah... fuck...do that,' she growled, rubbing them together harder and faster, knowing she was close and able to tell that Lexa was there too from her rushed little pants, the drop of her jaw and the soft noises coming from her.

'I'm gonna,' she whimpered, eyes closing.

'Me too baby,' she squeezed Lexa's ass as she lost control of her hips, and they moved together frantically, before they both moaned out their release into a kiss that was wet and messy and wonderful.

'God I love you,' Lexa tugged her close, green eyes glassy and full of emotion.

'I'm sorry I'm crap and tired and overwhelmed at the moment,' she melted into Lexa's embrace, sniffing her delicious scent indulgently.

'You're not crap, not at all. You're amazing and I'm in total awe of you.'

'Why?' Clarke stepped away and pulled them onto the couch naked, draping a blanket over them, and pulling Lexa onto her chest.

'Why? Because you're amazing. I know you're exhausted but what an amazing reason - you're learning how to heal people Clarke! You're actually healing them, helping them. That's the most amazing thing in the world. And you come home to me. And we talk and cuddle and so what if you fall asleep on me. I love it. Then you'll wow me by dressing up all sexy and taking me out, or letting me take you out. I love everything about living with you.'

'I threw a wobbly over you doing the washing up...' Clarke laughed at herself.

'Yeah...but you see...that's where I'm kinda selfish...'

'How is you doing the washing up selfish?'

'Well...I know how tired you are and I love how you make time for me, for us really. I think it's amazing that you do. But I'm like this ridiculous horn dog for you - fuck I can admit it. I don't care if we don't have sex, but it doesn't mean I don't really, really desire you. You're the sexiest girl in the world to me, and fuck...if I do the washing up maybe...well maybe...' Lexa flushed an adorable pink,

'I'll have energy to fuck you?'

'Yeah,' she flushed, 'and there's no pressure. Like I know that this is exhaustion like no other...I do...but if it's a choice between sex or washing up, I choose sex. If it's a choice between you drooling on my shoulder and washing up, it's you drooling on my shoulder. It's you every time.'

'You're like the sweetest, most romantic girl on earth,' her heart beat harder, and her stomach gave a flip as she realized how much she wanted Lexa - forever. Her parents had a good marriage, a great one by most people's standards, and she'd mentioned marrying Lexa before, but in that moment she understood quite how much she wanted it and needed it. She swallowed back unexpected tears and kissed Lexa's neck. 'I love you.'

'I love you too,' Lexa whispered and Clarke allowed her eyes to close as she imagined all the ways she might propose.

 **XOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXO**

Clarke woke in the middle of the night a few weeks later though she wasn't really sure why. She kept her eyes shut, willing herself back to sleep but became aware of Lexa shifting around on her side of the bed. Lexa wasn't always the best sleeper, despite the fact that she'd thoroughly tired her out, despite the fact that it was - she squinted at the clock - four in the morning. Keeping her eyes shut she turned in the bed and wrapped her arm around Lexa's slim waist and tugged, nestling close. It was so much easier to fall back to sleep when she was lying close to her girlfriend.

The shuffling ceased as she hugged and she basked in joy over the fact that she clearly helped Lexa relax too. She was almost asleep again when Lexa began moving again, just slightly, but enough to demonstrate that she was clearly still awake. She was on the brink of voicing a complaint when the girl picked up her hand, the left one splayed on the girls tights abs, and she felt something wrap around her finger. It took her a second to realize it was some kind of string. It took her longer to get why Lexa was doing what she was doing than it should have. The string slid around her finger, her ring finger and was pulled tightish and then she felt the slight tug of a knot, Lexa's quiet breathing not quite as even as normal. Then ever so carefully Lexa waggled the string off her finger. If she hadn't already been awake she was pretty sure she wouldn't have felt it.

Then there was a slight shuffling noise, the sound of her beside table drawer opening and closing, and then Lexa was turning on her side and pushing her ass into her stomach and holding the hand she had just measured. The softest, little hum of satisfaction that escaped her made Clarke smile, because it was so fricking cute. Of course she now had to make up her mind on exactly how she wanted to propose and put the plan in action or else Lexa was going to beat her to it.


	24. Chapter 24

_Clarke asks Lexa to marry her..._

 _So here it is. I hope it is ok. I'm kinda nervous about it. I really wanted it to be classy and traditional but not too much of a cliche and not too cheesy. Tough order for a proposal where you generally gush a lot (I guess.) Thanks to Jaelle90 for reading this and checking it for me:-x_

 _Thanks to everyone for the reviews (I love to get them) and the follows and favourites! You can find me on tumblr if you like as well._

 _Two parts left:) :) :)_

 **Chapter Twenty-Four**

'So I'm going to ask Lexa to marry me,' Clarke informed Raven and Octavia.

'You're what?' Octavia stared at her, apparently stunned.

'Excuse me?' Raven managed less shock though her mouth was gaping a little.

'Lexa is so totally planning to ask me and I plan on stealing her thunder!' she explained.

'What, huh...uh...come again now?' Raven mumbled.

'Oh my _god_! I can't wait to plan your wedding!' Octavia clapped her hands ignoring the more pertinent matter of the proposal.

'She has to say yes first you know,' Clarke reminded them, 'and I think _I_ might like planning _our_ wedding.'

'Pah, you'll be far too busy. I'll do it,' Octavia smirked.

'Woah, man, hold up there O. Clarkey needs to tell us exactly why she thinks Lexa is going to propose?'

'Well for one, she's been super secretive about the new song she's writing...'

'Probably because it's about strap on sex,' Raven rolled her eyes and Clarke felt her cheeks burn red.

'No, that particular song has already been written,' she stuck out her tongue and Raven cackled,

'Wow, ok! God I love that you're in a relationship where your partner gets all secretive and your conclusion is she's asking you to marry her!' Raven smiled fondly at her. 'And that she writes songs about everything from strap on sex to you painting her fucking toenails.'

'Well the main reason I think she's planning to ask is because I woke up in the middle of the night with her measuring my ring finger,' she grinned.

'And you pretended you were still asleep?' Octavia asked, apparently scandalized.

'Of course. Because now I know and she doesn't know I know,' she waggled her eyebrows theatrically.

'So why don't you let her propose? I bet she'd go all out? She's so extra about you - just fucking extra in general. Besides which, she's a total marshmallow in bad girl clothing and their ain't no way that girl wouldn't go OTT. Especially given she's ass over tits for you,' Raven kicked Clarke's feet softly.

'Because Lexa is a girl who deserves to know that the person she wants to spend her life with wants it enough to ask first!'

'And you don't?' Raven gave her a look.

'Lexa has lost a lot of people. Her mom walked out on her, she never had anyone growing up. I want her to feel it in every atom of her being how much I want her! How much I want her forever.'

'So why are you asking only when you realize she's about to?' Octavia asked with a small shrug and Clarke gave a sigh,

'I would have asked that girl to marry me when I asked her to move in. I toyed with the idea but I decided I wanted to live with her before I marry her, because you know...what if she hated living with me?'

'Ah don't be coy Clarkey, you wanted to take the commander for a trial run, huh?' Raven's lip quirked up in amusement.

'Honey we've been round that track so many times we're both permanently dizzy,' she blew her friend an air kiss, grinning as Raven and Octavia laughed, 'I was pretty sure I'd be happy with the girl, but I wanted the girl to be sure she'd be happy with me. Lexa's a loner and loners don't always share their space well.'

'Clearly it went well if she's measuring your ring finger in your sleep?' Octavia grinned.

'Lexa is a loner that wants to snuggle and cuddle, to read books cocooned on the couch together, play her music with me in the room doing my own crap. Lexa is a loner who wants to be near me as much as is humanly possible,' Clarke had a dreamy smile on her face.

'Well yeah...she's a shit loner,' Raven agreed.

'How's that work for you Clarke? It's no secret you like your space?' Octavia asked.

'Not from Lexa. Proximity is good with her. She's like the sweetest person in the world about me doing the things that make me happy. If I wanted to go out every night without her she'd smile and tell me to have fun. Ok, thats not what I mean, because you know we both want to spend as much time together as possible...it's just that she's happy for us to be together doing our own thing, you know? And the truth is I don't want space from her. I love being cocooned in duvets with her, lying on her while we watch tv, giggling in bed together after we've...well you know...'

'Wow, you're doing it in beds now? That's progress! I thought only cupboards, kitchens and stockrooms were good enough for your bare ass?'

'Oh honey,' she gave a saucy little smile, 'we've done it on pretty much every surface in our apartment - of course the bed gets a turn. Our favourite is the...'

'I don't want to know. I'll never sit down in your place again,' Raven mock shivered.

'You better never come for dinner either,' Clarke whispered and Octavia giggled.

'You're gross. You and the future Mrs. Griffin are both gross, gross, gross.'

'We'll probably hyphenate but thanks, we do pride ourselves on being the grossest.'

'And you succeed,' Octavia gave a solemn bob of her head.

'So the question is, how do I propose?'

'How?' Raven gave her a blank look. 'Hmmm. On one knee?'

'Cute, but I kinda wanted to make it special,' Clarke rolled her eyes.

'Well what have you thought of so far?'

'Well you know the usual I guess,' she felt an unexpected blush on her cheeks.

'The usual being?' Raven prompted.

'Candle lit dinner, by the lake camping, the bar where we first kissed, nothing too big and showy, and definitely not public, I'm too shy for that, but you know...'

'Why don't you dress up as Commander Lexa and Skygirl Clarke and drop to one knee and swear fealty to her?' Raven grinned, apparently pleased with her suggestion.

'What the fuck is fealty?' Clarke scowled, secretly liking the idea a little.

'Devotion, loyalty, faithfulness. Lexa used it in conversation one day and I said the same thing,' Raven explained.

'Hmm, it's not bad,' Clarke conceded. 'But I want more, and is feel a bit silly.'

'Ok let's Google it,' Octavia grabbed her iPad, 'the ten best ways to propose,' she typed and hit go. 'Ok, ok. Candlelit dinner, park picnic, where you first met...boring boring boring.'

'Not boring O, just not for Clarkey. Try another site,' Raven elbowed her, reading over her shoulder, 'ok , 21 best ways to propose. Ok I like the whole write it somewhere unexpected. Like on the bathroom mirror so when she gets out of the shower, the message is there.'

'Ooh that's cute. Or the beach, or with chalk on the sidewalk,' Octavia enthused.

'I got it,' Clarke grinned suddenly, as their suggestions and a surprise she was already working on for Lexa, came together.

'Ok, what?'

'Not telling,' she smiled widely, 'but I'm gonna have to go.'

'Where are you going?'

'Garden centre and an art store. It's gonna take a bit of organizing but Lexa has a meeting next week. I'm gonna make sure that's my day off so I can set it all up for then.'

'Can we come?' Octavia eyed Raven.

'Sure,' she laughed.

 **XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

So why do you even want to get married?' Octavia asked.

'Yeah you always used to say marriage is overrated.'

'And it still is in a way. The thing is, it's about saying to that person they're the most important person in the world to you...'

'You can do that without marriage,' Raven interrupted with a roll of her eyes.

'And I wasn't done,' Clarke pointed out, 'as I was about to say, which is absolutely possible without marriage, but the marriage is kinda like the declaration to the world, that you're a united force, each other's protectors. And yeah, maybe you don't _need_ it, but in a world where we couldn't even legally marry until recently, in a world where in most countries we still can't, in a world where people still call my girlfriend my friend, in a world where Lexa legally has no one, I want to be hers. And I want her to be mine. I'll call her my girlfriend forever, but fuck, I want to be old and grey and on a porch somewhere, covered by a soft afghan blanket with my _wife_ at my side. It's not going to change anything per say. Not really. But at the same time it'll kind of change everything.'

'That's sweet,' Raven sniffed and bumped a fist into her shoulder.

'I totally respect not getting married too, I just...for me...for Lexa, I want this.'

'And that's fealty,' Octavia sighed with a soft smile on her face.

'Yep,' Raveb agreed as she turned into the garden centre.

'So what are we getting? Now you've got your mysterious paint.'

'Flowers. We're ordering lots of them. And pots to plant them in. I want all the prettiest plants with the prettiest flowers, that are flowering right now. Lexa loves flowers.'

'Aye aye cap,' Raven saluted.

 **XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO**

Sexy Lexi,' Clarke called as Lexa opened the front door, a smile crossing her face at the sight of Clarke in nothing but a tank and pyjama shorts on the couch. Clarke saw Lexa's pretty eyes rove across her, as she hung up her bag and kicked off her converse.

'Hands,' she waved them in the air and disappeared into the kitchen to wash them. Clarke found her at the sink, and slid her arms around her from behind, pressing up against her and kissing her neck.

'I missed you,' she whispered.

'I know. I hate that I had to go to this dumb meeting when you had a day off. The record company could tell I was pissed, but Bob insisted he couldn't manage any other day until next month.'

'You had this meeting planned for months,' Clarke giggled as Lexa turned in her arms, 'the hospital just didn't listen when I requested to work today instead of tomorrow. _Bastards_.'

'Total bastards,' Lexa agreed, giving her "eyes" of gloriously naughty intent. Clarke felt her stomach tighten as Lexa's wet hands slid under her tank. She didn't care that they were wet, the weather was hot enough for that. Lexa smirked at her, as if expecting a squeal and when she received none, moved her hands up to cup her naked breasts. Clarke mewled softly which Lexa took as the go ahead to further this kitchen escapade, brushing thumbs across her nipples and nuzzling her neck, back curving to press into her. Clarke loved Lexa like this - soft and needy, wanting her, and asking with the push of her body for her to take control.

Normally Clarke would take control - scoop Lexa up, carry her through to the couch and ravish her, or given the spring heat the shower had definite potential, though the shower washed her taste away, so maybe the bed? There were toys beside the bed and Lexa was looking all kinds of gorgeous, and Clarke was feeling kinda kinky. She shook her head, because she was getting distracted. Lexa was obviously in the mood for loving and in the absence of Clarke taking control, she was apparently willing to take things to the next level herself, her wet hands abandoning Clarke's boobs and tracking down to the waistband of her pyjama shorts.

'Arrived home feeling amorous?' She teased and Lexa answered by sliding her hands down the back of her pyjama's and smoothing them over her bum. Clarke was torn - she had her big proposal all planned and ready, but if Lexa was going to take charge she was inclined to let her, because she did so love relinquishing control from time to time.

'I've missed you,' Lexa hummed into her neck, squeezing her ass and smoothing her fingers down the curve.

'Hmm, and me you...'

'You had fun today?' Lexa's voice was low as she then spread the elastic of Clarke's pyjama shorts preparing to push them off.

'Yes, lots,' she sighed as her shorts fell to the floor and then gave herself a stern mental talking to. They could have sex after. They could have _amazing_ sex _after_ , but the sun was setting and the timing was perfect and Lexa clearly wasn't sotired she wouldn't enjoy things. After they could have sex for the rest of their lives. She reminded herself that she didn't actually know whether or not Lexa's meeting had really run late - perhaps she'd been organizing her own proposal? 'Lexa, wait,' Clarke caught the hand that was trailing up her inner thigh and swallowed back the raging disappointment that she'd have to wait for those fingers to do their magic thing.

'Wait?' Lexa was blinking, her pupils so wide they nearly obliterated the green as she stared at Clarke in that lust drunk manner she had. 'Why?' the latter came out a little whiny and that made Clarke smile as she bent to retrieve her shorts, pulling them up.

'I have a surprise for you,' she explained.

'The best surprise would be you naked and on all fours while I fuck you from behind,' she growled, hand once again sneaking under Clarke's shorts, bottom up this time.

'Oh fuck, yeah, please,' she faltered, her eyes fluttering shut. She moaned as Lexa's fingers brushed through the wetness between her thighs. 'Fuck no, no,' at the first no, Lexa withdrew her hand faster than lightening, pouting her disappointment. Clarke giggled, 'after baby, after.'

'After what?' she pouted.

'After I show you your gift. Sunset is the perfect time, it'll look best.'

'A gift?' the shy smile was captivating.

'Yeah, for you. You've survived nearly six months of residency me. You've been amazing. So yes, a gift.'

'Yeah?'

'Yeah.'

'What kind of gift looks better at sunset?' Lexa asked, still looking shy as she slipped her hand into Clarke's and allowed her to lead her to the glass double doors that opened onto the balcony. The curtains that Clarke had pulled across, were burning like fire from the setting sun.

'You'll see,' Clarke grinned. 'Now close your eyes, Commander.'

'Really Clarke?' Lexa gave her a look but she nodded, and so smiling that big gorgeous _all is good with the world smile_ , she stood with her eyes shut tight. Clarke pulled back the curtains and let out a sigh of happiness because it all looked perfect, everything glowing with the warm radiance of the setting sun. She slid open the patio doors. They were the fancy kind that disappeared entirely into the walls and left the space fully open. It was too early for mosquitos, so she ignored the pullout net and stepped outside, tugging Lexa with her. She felt like she was burning up with nerves, which was strange because she'd never been surer of anything in her life. Perhaps it was more a nervous anticipation, of everything going right, of it being what Lexa deserved, because she thought Lexa deserved the best. She didn't strive for perfection, she had long since recognized that aiming for perfection would destroy her, but she did strive to make it something that meant something, that would mean something in years to come, not because it was grand or perfect in general, but because it demonstrated to Lexa that she loved her, and that it was as perfect as possible for them. 'Can I open my eyes yet?' Lexa sounded amused.

'Yes,' she squeezed the hand in hers and Lexa's beautiful green eyes opened, blinking a couple of times at the brightness before focussing on the cacophony of colour all over her large balcony.

'Oh my god,' she practically squealed, a squeal of joy with a gasp of surprise. Clarke loved the noise. 'You planted me a garden of flowers?' She turned away from the flowers to look at her, then flicked back to the flowers, then back to her, and then back to the flowers. 'You did all this today?'

'Raven, O and Bell helped.'

'There's so many! And the pots are gorgeous and oh my god, I love it. I love it,' her left hand trailed over petals of blue, pink, orange, yellow, red, and even green. 'It's a beautiful rainbow flower garden,' she sighed happily. ' _Oh_ I could live out here,' she blinked several times, eyes glassy, and Clarke felt a surge of gooey, loving, affection for her emotional girlfriend who then turned and caught her in the tightest hug. 'This is so amazing. It's so pretty and smells so good and it's just perfect.'

'I may have been planning the garden for a while, but I wanted it to be a surprise, so I had to wait for a day I was off and when you had to work,' Clarke explained into Lexa's neck, where she was still being held. Lexa released her, only to kiss her, and then kiss her again, before they were holding hands and moving around the garden.

It may have only been a balcony, but Lexa was well off and her balcony had always looked like it ate Clarke's old one for breakfast. It was thankfully large enough for all the pots, planters and hanging baskets, the barbecue, table and chair set and two comfy sun loungers. It faced south westerly which made for beautiful sunsets and had tasteful wooden railings and a warm sand coloured stone floor. Lexa gripped her hand and led her from pot to pot, complimenting her choice of flowers and giving cute little facts, such as, 'did you know hydrangeas have different colour flowers depending on the soil they grow in and how much aluminium is in it and that's why you can have different colour flowers on the same bush? It's all abouts the Ph of the soil.' Clarke did know, but she acted like it was all new information because Lexa was so excited telling her all about it.

'So Lexa, you wanna water your new garden? I got you a watering can,' she gestured to the outdoor tap, where a watering can sat, and Lexa, the cute little dork, squealed again while nodding eagerly and immediately set to lifting the watering can Clarke had already filled. 'Start with the hanging basket,' Clarke suggested, and Lexa laughed,

'But then it'll drip all over me while I water the rest.'

'So?' Clarke arched a sultry brow, 'you know I like you wet,' she ladled on the insinuation and Lexa giggled, the best sound of all Lexa's sounds. Well, except for the way she said her name, and her cute little sex noises, and her voice when she sang, and her voice when she was over excited, and her laugh. Clarke shook her head to get rid of her runaway thoughts, and watched Lexa wink, and stride with sass to the hanging basket and pour in the water, standing on the little stool Clarke had placed there. 'They said that one needs lots of water, a whole watering can full,' she informed her. Lexa looked back at her,

I'm gonna be soaked.'

'Absolutely you are by the time I'm done with you,' she teased and Lexa rolled her eyes and focussed on her job. Clarke focussed on the spectacle of Lexa's top and jeans getting wetter and wetter, watching her shake and jitter from the cold water spilled over from the basket and hit her and the stone flooring of the balcony. Lexa looked fucking sexy, outrageously so, and she snuck her phone off the table where she'd left it earlier and snapped a few pictures - her beautiful girl surrounded by flowers, wet clothes and gorgeous hair, miraculously dry, and falling in a shower of soft waves. Clarke looked to the concrete where her painting had appeared, the water making the design magically appear in all its glory - a collage of flowers and five syllables, seven syllables and another five, posed as a question. She snapped a picture of it, relieved that magic paint had worked, and then snapped another of Lexa stepping down from the stool, oblivious to the message at her feet. She was about to walk back to the tap, had half turned even, when she saw it, her back going ramrod straight and the watering can falling from her hand. She gasped and her hands covered her mouth as she stared at the words. Clarke was ready with the ring in her hand. It was a simple ring, a ring that suited Lexa, expensive but not outrageous. It cost what she had, but she'd have chosen the same ring with twice as much money spend. It was a ring from her to the girl she loved.

Lexa turned to look at her and she was already on her knees, holding the ring out.

'Clarke?' her voice cracked and a tear was sliding down her cheek. Clarke couldn't ever abide tears from Lexa's eyes, they made her ache inside, and so she jumped up and gathered the girl in her arms, kissing her face all over.

'Lexa, I love you,' she whispered. 'Please marry me?'

'Yes,' the word was pressed into a fierce kiss, one that surprised her, one that was slightly salty from Lexa's tears and yet was perfect. 'Yes,' she said again and Clarke couldn't help but laugh,

'Yeah?'

'Yeah,' Lexa kissed her again, and again and again. 'I can't believe you did this. I can't...'

'Well I love you. A forever kind of love and I want you to be my family Lexa. I want you to marry me because then it's you and I together, unified. And it's romantic - and you deserve romance. I love you so much I want to declare to the world that I am yours and you are mine.'

'I was going to ask you...I have a ring...and...' Lexa swiped at her eyes, and clung onto her.

'I may have realized that,' Clarke didn't want to lie. Lexa looked like she was hanging between two emotions,

'That's not why you...'

'Lexa, let me tell you when I planned to ask you to marry me, ok?'

'Yeah,' they sunk onto one of the sun loungers together, Lexa lying alongside her, head on her chest as Clarke played with her hair, threading her fingers through the silky strands. It was intimate and so lovely. They were both smiling like idiots, and Lexa kept pressing into her as if she wanted to be closer, ever closer. Clarke loved it. Loved her.

'Remember that trip we took...it was the weekend I came out to my parents,' she spoke into the quiet night, 'you were picking raspberries and beans the next day in the garden, and being so sweet about it and my mom asked me, "why her?"'

'What did you say?' Lexa craned her neck so she could meet her eyes.

'Oh, I told her a bunch of things. That you're a careful person, that you don't expect the world to provide you a happy ever after and so you make your own, that you love and care for the people important to you _so hard_. I told my mom you're guarded with people - but not with me. That with me you're mush, that you give me everything and would do anything for me. God, I told her that when you came out to me just two weeks into our friendship I felt _hope_ \- hope for something I didn't even understand back then. I told my mom I'm attracted to you, that you're sexy, and wonderful in bed. But really it was about how much fun we have, how sweet and funny and interesting you are and about how you make me feel all the wonderful things you say about me are true. And then I told her that one day you'd know that you mean as much to me as you make me trust I mean to you because I would propose to _you_.'

'Really?' Lexa looked stunned, shuffling up the lounger so their faces were side by side. Once there a big smile wrote itself across her features.

'Yes. I talked to Bell about proposing instead of asking to move in, but I thought you better see how you found living with a sleep deprived, trainee Doctor zombie.'

'I love living with Doctor Zombie,' Lexa kissed her boob through her shirt.

'I was trying to come up with a proposal I was happy with...that wasn't too much and wasn't too little, just enough. Not cliche and not without tradition when I woke up in the middle of the night to you measuring my finger.'

'You woke up?' Lexa looked peeved but then sighed, 'I thought you might have done. Dammit. I was so fucking proud of my stealthiness.'

'I know,' she grinned, 'you gave this little hum of satisfaction which was just so fucking adorable,' she leant forward and kissed her for a bit.

'Your proposal was perfect, you know?' Lexa gazed at the ring on her finger. 'My ring is perfect. My garden is perfect and you...you're the most perfect thing of all. And I'm going to do my proposal because I really, really wanted to propose to you Clarke. I wanted to ask you because...god, I feel like I lived this whole life before you, but only started living when we met. Fuck that sounds like a line, but honestly - you're special Clarke. Really, fucking special and you make me a better person.'

'Lexa, I don't,' Clarke carded her fingers through Lexa's soft hair. 'When I decided that I wanted to propose to you it was because I wanted you to know that you are the best person I know. _You're_ special. So special I want to spend my entire life with you. That's _all_ I want.'

'Granted,' Lexa smiled, her shy smile, the smile that said she trusted Clarke, that she'd fight her default insecurity to believe that she was special like Clarke said.

'I want a house with you Lexa - a big homey one with comfy couches, bright throws and a fire place. And I want a cabin by a lake, like the one we dreamed up on that first camping trip. And children, at least two, and a dog, a cute husky dog we get as a puppy and train together. And I want to grow old with you, and have you make jokes about my saggy boobs and my grey hair, but love me and want me anyway. I want us to binge watch shows as old ladies, hustle kids in pool halls together because they think two old women can't possibly play pool. I want to listen to you play me songs from a cozy porch swing. I want to be with you until I stop breathing, Lexa.'

'Me too,' they kissed softly before Lexa pulled back, 'But when we move from this place we're going to have to replace the floor of the balcony because I'm taking that section of stone with us,' she pointed to Clarke's haiku - they were tradition after all - and then kissed her, 'and now, I'm gonna take you inside but I'm not gonna fuck you. I'm gonna make love to you and baby, you're gonna come so hard, so fucking hard and so good,' she pressed a kiss to her lips and then pulled back. 'Shit,that was meant to sound way more romantic than it actually did.'

'It sounded very romantic Lexa,' Clarke giggled, and smiled at Lexa who sat and stared at the stone, where the words were already fading as the water evaporated. Clarke knew she might be crap at poetry but it didn't matter because she was marrying a lyrical genius. She was marrying Lexa, the love of her life - her best friend. She watched the words fade and then Lexa was kissing her.

 _I love you Lexa,  
So would you please marry me?  
Be my family_


	25. Chapter 25

_Proposals, engagements, the wedding day and too many food analogies._

 _Nearly over, sniff sniff. The Unsung Heart journey and the side swipe into theses Clarke pov's has been fun._

 _Thanks for reading, reviewing, favourites and follows. Reviews I adore. Your support has been amazing. Next chapter will be the last:)_

 **Twenty-Five**

'Morning beautiful,' Lexa's voice roused her from her sleep of the dead and she swiped hair from her eyes and opened them to see the girl in question stood leaning casually against the doorframe, looking like a goddess, dressed only in a loose t-shirt. She had a tray in her hands bearing coffee and what looked like bowls of breakfast, making the vision perfect.

'What time is it?' she yawned and stretched in a deliberately feline manner because she knew it turned her girlfr...no, her fiancé on.

'It's ten. I checked your schedule and you're not on until noon,' Lexa told her and she began to fret,

'I know, but I had to go pick up that package my mom sent and the laces on my converse snapped so I was going to go buy some more...' Clarke felt a knot of stress thread through her. She'd proposed two days ago and they had celebrated a lot. She'd worked the following day only to arrive home to a proposal from Lexa. Lexa who had already bought the ring, and had written, recorded and produced a single just for her called "won't you marry me?" It was an absolutely beautiful song that literally blew her away. She'd shared a snippet on Instagram and sent the Internet crazy. After Lexa sang to her, a live version, and she'd accepted, that had obviously resulted in a second round of celebration, before she'd sunk, deliciously sated, into their amazing bed, wrapped around the girl of her dreams, and fallen into the deepest sleep of her life she was sure.

'Done and done,' Lexa winked at her. 'The package is in the living room and the laces are in your converse.'

'Oh,' she smiled because the girl of her dreams apparently planned on making her dreams come true no matter how mundane. 'Then come a little closer with that coffee, baby,' she gave a saucy little wink and when the cover dropped to expose her chest she didn't bother covering back up.

'And fruit salad, yoghurt, granola and chocolate chips just the way you like it,' Lexa smiled, placing the tray down on her bedside table and crawling onto the bed beside her, passing her her coffee first and then her breakfast.

'Is this the kinda pampering I can expect as your wife?' she teased, as if Lexa didn't often do this for her.

'Indeed,' Lexa smiled, as she took her breakfast, their fingers brushing before she looked into the bowl.

'Lexa?' she stared at the letters uncomprehendingly, the carefully chocolate chipped message, "will you marry me?" 'Did I not already answer this question?'

'Well, you stole my thunder Griffin.'

'You mean cos I got there first?' she smirked.

'Yeah. I mean, I love that you asked me first, really love it, and how you asked me, but I have wanted to propose to you practically from the second we met and goddammit but I had a hundred ways thought up of how to do so.'

'Yesterday was perfect.'

'I'm going to make everyday perfect until we're married,' there was a look of fierce determination on her face.

'You can't propose every day Lexa,' she scoffed.

'Yes I can,' Lexa tilted her chin up, the embodiment of defiance.

'Is that supposed to be a threat?' Clarke giggled, taking the chocolate chip dot from the question mark and popping it in her mouth.

'It's my revenge. You will always have proposed first sweetheart, but I'm going to propose in so many different ways so that you know just how much I love you.'

'You have a weak grasp of the concept of revenge,' she pressed a chocolatey kiss to her girlfriends lips. 'But you go for it baby. I plan to enjoy your revenge. A lot.'

'It's my plan for us both to enjoy it,' Lexa arched her brows. 'So?'

'So?'

'I asked a question. One it is customary to answer.'

'You did?' She stared at her girl confused, watching as Lexa's green eyes fell to the bowl. 'Ah, that question.'

'That question.'

'Hmmm...yeah, I think I'll marry you,' she put the bowl on her beside table and drew Lexa to her for a kiss, her eyes looking at the beautiful, one of a kind, ring that now adorned her left hand.

'Well, I believe that calls for a celebration,' Lexa mumbled into the kiss.

'Oh but revenge is sweet,' Clarke giggled at Lexa's roaming hands and heated kisses.

 **XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO**

 _244 days later_

Clarke woke up ensconced in her childhood bed, feeling not as well rested as she would have liked, but she didn't really care, not when the sun was shining on what promised to be a beautiful day. It was hot, so she kicked off the covers and rubbed the head of the puppy at her side - one of Lexa's many, many ingenious methods of proposing had been the selection of Gus, the cutest husky puppy either of them had ever seen. He was still a little puppy really, and to start with had only let them sleep when curled up on the bed beside Clarke. This had thrilled Lexa who claimed he would protect her from danger when she couldn't. Clarke kept trying to point out that they would have to retrain him soon because one, he was going to get bigger, a lot bigger and two, he was already preventing them from having sex in their bed because he did this cute little head tilt thing and watched. After he tried to get involved on one extremely awkward occasion, Lexa had agreed a basket outside their room was the way to go. Of course she hadn't spent last night with Lexa and so she'd snuck the puppy into her bed feeling horribly lonely.

A gentle tap at the door, resulted in a soft puppy growl from Gus.

'Come in,' she called, rubbing his soft head and grinning at his adorable yawn and wagging tail.

'Hey honey,' Abby poked her head around the corner, two mugs of coffee in her hands, bringing them over and putting them beside Clarke's bed. 'How did you sleep?'

'Badly. I missed Lexa.'

'It gets like that. At first I couldn't sleep because of your dads snores and now I can't sleep without them.'

'Lexa doesn't snore,' she smiled whimsically, thinking of the green eyed girl, a small sigh escaping.

'No I'm sure,' Abby rolled her eyes with a smile. 'She did ask me to give you this,' Abby handed over a thick envelope which Clarke grabbed and eagerly opened.

'Oh my god,' she gasped, her skin blanching.

'Are you ok? What is it?' Abby sounded slightly frantic and Clarke didn't blame her - she could only manage to gape at the contents of the envelope, with a stunned expression and given it was the morning of her wedding, Abby probably assumed it was bad news.

She clutched the papers to her chest, heart pounding, unable to believe it.

'Clarke, so help me but if you don't tell me what just happened I will scream,' Abby shook her.

'Lexa asked me to marry her,' she began to smile, and then laughed.

'As she does every day,' Abby rolled her eyes at what she probably deemed extravagant romanticism.

'She bought one of the brownstones near the hospital that I've been mooning after for so long...she actually bought it...and look...she painted the words on the living room wall inside?' she shoved the papers at her mother, that included several pictures of the place, including the mural on the living room wall.

She does realize she doesn't need to keep asking?' Abby smirked at the hearts and the " _will you marry me_?" decorating the wall in a beautiful living room with wooden floors, high ceilings and large sash windows. The fact that the photo was in the realtor's official house details made Clarke grin because it meant Lexa made them print up the details with her message after she'd already bought the place. Then again Lexa didn't have to do much to convince people to assist her. Her daily proposals were a point of much discussion amongst her fans, who considered her the epitome of romantic and cool and every flattering phrase under the sun. Much like she considered Lexa to be all these things. 'I mean, your wedding is today,' Abby sounded a little exasperated.

'It's a _thing_ ,' Clarke shrugged, tapping the home button of her phone so a picture of her and Lexa canoodling appeared, thumb brushing across her girlfriends face, 'it's extremely romantic.'

'One house, a lake side mansion, a puppy, a car and a long vacation, to name but a few of the many ways she's proposed is extravagant Clarke, not romantic. I've heard Raven use the word Lextra and I'm beginning to think I know exactly what she means.'

'She's not "Lextra," she just likes to let me know I'm loved.'

' _Really_? And how many rings do you have now? How many songs? Houses?'

'You be sure to tell her to stop taking care of me mom, perfect day for it,' Clarke teased, pulling her phone to her ear after hitting call.

'Clarke,' Lexa sounded bright and cheerful, and answered so promptly she had to have been waiting for the call. 'You called!'

'Well I thought you might be wanting my answer,' she flirted.

'Indeed I do,' Lexa spoke quietly as if keeping the conversation away from prying ears.

'I guess, sure...why not.'

'So that's a...'

'That's a yes, I'll marry you.'

'Well it's a relief to hear you accept my proposal,' Lexa feigned gravitas.

'Hmm, shocking I'm sure,' she found herself giggling.

'You happy?'

'You bought us a house! One of the ones I've wanted. Yeah, I'm pretty damn happy.'

'It's a corner lot so only one lot of potentially noisy neighbours. But it's near the hospital and I can get the basement sound proofed so we don't always have to rehearse at Indra's.'

'I love it. I love you. Thank you. I can't actually believe you did that!'

'Anything for you. And for me. I mean, we both wanted a yard for Gus and more space and it's nearer the hospital so less travel time, and all those features we love. It is beautiful.'

'You know what Lexa? All I've really wanted since meeting you, is you!'

'Aww, baby...is that part of your vows?'

'Wouldn't you like to know, cheeky!'

'Yes,' Lexa's breathing could be heard through the phone. 'I missed you last night. I can't sleep very well without your boob as my pillow and my arm wrapped round you.'

'Me either,' she glanced at her mom, but she was pulling her wedding dress out of the closet and floofing the bag it was in. 'I really, really think we should always sleep together.'

'Kinda the point of today,' Lexa laughed softly, _sexily_ into the phone. 'And I agree. How's Gus?'

'Well, I definitely am the more pathetic of the two of us, but he misses you.'

'Good. You're really truly happy about the house?'

'I'm thrilled Lexa. You're the sweetest girl on the entire planet and you're mine.'

'I'm sorry I didn't get to do my last proposal in person and then kiss you all over when you said yes,' she sighed.

'Don't worry. You're going to have plenty of opportunity to kiss me all over later when I'm your wife,' she tried to cover her mouth so her mom didn't hear, but Abby's arched brow and pointed look told her she had been unsuccessful. 'Well we're getting married mom, it's good we still have a healthy sex life!'

'Huh?' Lexa sounded cute and confused.

'My mom is with me.'

'You're talking about me kissing you all over in front of your mom? _Clarke_ ,' she whined a little.

'Lexa, don't worry, I'm going to kiss you all over too,' she smirked, deliberately misunderstanding her girlfriends whiny tone. Abby's eyebrows rose even higher.

'Clarke, fuck...your mom doesn't need to hear about us having sex. I don't want her to have a picture of my head between your thighs as she walks you up the aisle!'

'She won't,' Clarke clenched at the thought, 'I will though.'

'Clarke! It's our wedding! It's supposed to be romantic,' Lexa laughed.

'It'll be very romantic. But it can be two things at once you know?'

'Yeah, true,' the sigh down the phone was beautifully contented.

'I can't wait to be Dr. Griffin-Woods!'

'I can't wait to be Lexa Griffin-Woods,' Lexa agreed dreamily.

'Ugh, stop being cute or I'm going to fuck tradition and come find you,' she was the whiny one now, as she felt a sudden need for proximity to her girlfriend.

'Oh know you're not,' Abby plucked the phone from her hand.

'But we just got engaged!' Clarke defended but Abby just rolled her eyes,

'For the two hundredth time,' she scoffed, putting the phone to her ear. 'Lexa, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to go. Clarke has to be primped and preened and you will next see her at the end of the aisle in...about seven hours times...I know...yes...I'm sure... Lexa... Yeah... Don't be silly... I love you too... Yes... Well I'll be texting Jake to tell him know no more calls and to keep you away from your phone... Ok,' her mom ended the call, and pocketed her phone.

'It was actually my 245th proposal and the last one ever,' Clarke sniffled a little, suddenly emotional.

'Well I'm pretty sure she's going to go extra big for anniversaries,' her mom rolled her eyes.

'It's just been...loads of fun, and romantic getting engaged every day,' Clarke gave a sad smile.

'And celebrating apparently,' her mom gave her a pointed look to which she just grinned,

'Oh the celebrating is the best,' she sighed a little. 'I know it seems silly but we're getting married. Two years before we got engaged we couldn't have gotten married because it wasn't legal. Obviously it's more than that. I love Lexa. I know you know that, I know everyone knows that, but she's something more than just special to me, like...not the other half of my soul exactly, but like the right person for my soul.'

'Like a soul mate?' Abby smirked.

'Kind of. She's just someone who makes me exponentially happier. With her, everything falls into place. I can be sad when I'm with her, but not because of her. Meeting Lexa was like...I don't know, like being opened up to a whole new world of food after eating a really restricted diet my whole life...'

'You mean like when you were a kid and you only ate plain food and nothing mixed together?'

'Yeah, exactly. Me before Lexa, was like my food taste as a kid. I was happy with it, it was ok and not unhealthy, but then Lexa came along. And she took the food on my plate and created something spectacular. She mixed, and merged and then added new stuff, her stuff and God, now that plate of plain foods all separated would be terrible and boring. It's like we blend together perfectly. We make not one perfect dish but hundreds of perfect dishes. We're more interesting, prettier, happier, more delicious. More sustaining.'

'That's a rather wordy way of saying soulmate,' her mom grinned at her. 'And I think maybe you're hungry,' she teased. Clarke laughed,

'Lexa is my soulmate. And my best friend. And my lover. And basically my everything.'

'Well good. Because this wedding is to celebrate that.'

There was a bashing at the door, before Octavia and Raven stumbled in and curled up on Clarke's bed, clearly still sleepy. Raven scooping the puppy onto her lap and tickled his tummy.

'What's new?' Raven smiled blearily at them.

'I'm getting married,' Clarke winked with a big smile.

'We know sweetie, we're your bridesmaids,' Octavia pulled her closer on the bed and snuggled into her.

'I mean Lexa asked me to marry her!'

'The last proposal!' Raven shouted and Clarke winced.

'How?' Octavia sat up and Clarke passed Octavia the house details, so they could huddle together and read them.

'Holy fucking shitballs!' Raven declared.

'I'll go make coffee,' Abby told them with a grimace at Raven's loud choice of words.

 **XOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXO**

'You look really beautiful,' Lexa told her. They were snuggled together on a bench, surrounded by flowers, a little ways away from the music blasting from in the marquee. It was nice to have fresh air and enjoy the waning sun, but the nicest thing was having her new wife to herself after the whirlwind of the day.

'You look really... _really_ fucking hot,' she smirked and Lexa laughed. It was true though. Seeing Lexa in a suit, jacket discarded so the black suspenders were on display against the visible swell of her chest, in her fitted crisp white shirt - it was an incredible turn on. It drove Clarke fucking wild. 'Come here Mrs. Griffin,' she tugged the black skinny tie, until Lexa's mouth was pressed against hers and gave her the dirtiest kiss to ensure her wife knew exactly what her wedding outfit did to her. She wasn't expecting Lexa's kiss to be equally dirty in return, but her wife's hand was eagerly pushing away flounce and layers, as she attempted to make it under her skirt.

'What the fuck is wrong with this dress?' Lexa growled in frustration. 'I want to touch you and your wedding dress is blocking me.'

'Do you hate the dress Lexa?' she giggled.

'I love the dress, I love you in the dress. You look edible in the dress. I want to eat you in the dress,' Lexa spoke heatedly, eyes devouring her in a way that set a beat between her thighs. 'Well eat you out,' she clarified with a rakish charm, eyes desperate.

'You wanna be between my legs and under all that flounce?' Clarke picked up on the kink.

'Fuck yeah,' Lexa actually whimpered and Clarke clenched her legs together. A crunch of feet and a voice alerted her to someone's approach.

'Fuck someone's coming,' Clarke hissed, grabbing Lexa's hand from where it was buried in ruffles and put it on her waist, curling into her wife and pressing warm romantic kisses to her neck, instead of the heated, dirty kisses they'd been sharing moments earlier. 'Talk about something. It might be my granny or some relative.'

'I can't believe your mom allowed the cocktail sausages to go through on the menu choices,' Lexa garbled and Clarke locked eyes with her and mouthed,

'Really?' to which Lexa merely shrugged.

'I thought for sure she'd go taco's instead,' she smirked devilishly.

'Aw come on Lexi, I know it's you who's always wanting tacos,' Clarke grinned.

'I know you'd have been happy with either - cocktail sausages ok, tacos ok, you're that kinda girl, but me? I'm a taco girl,' Lexa playfully held out her hands and pretended to be weighing up tacos and cocktail sausages.

'I think I'm off cocktail sausages for life baby. A taco has so much more variety,' she smiled angelically. 'So many more ways to eat it. It's more exciting, more multifaceted...it has layers...'

'Oh agreed,' Lexa nodded.

'I mean cocktail sausages have their merit, but you can enjoy all the perks of a cocktail sausage without the... without the...' she trailed off as she tried to find the right word.

'Pork?' Lexa filled in and she giggled.

'Yeah, like a _vegetarian_ cocktail sausage in a taco...it would probably be delicious,' she knew Lexa got exactly what the vegetarian sausage was a euphemism for because her pupils were blown, and her fingers were digging into her.

'Very,' Lexa hugged her tight. 'Can we sneak off? No one's here?'

'I'm here you dorks, and I have the cutest goddamn photos of you talking about food, because what else would you talk about on your wedding day but fucking cocktail sausages and tacos...and _oh_ ,' Raven began to laugh, 'you weren't talking about food at all you dirty hoes.'

'We thought you might be Clarke's granny.'

'She's drunk and dancing inappropriately with my boyfriend.'

'She always did love Bell,' Clarke snickered.

'Why don't you guys escape for a quickie?' Raven suggested. 'They're gonna want you to cut the cake and do the f'ing speeches soon.'

'I need a room with a table or bed and like fifteen minutes,' Lexa wasn't messing around and Clarke felt a delicious swoop and flutter at the can-do will-do attitude.

'Clarke's room, idiot,' Raven rolled her eyes and pulled out her phone to take more pictures. 'Sorry but you look like you're in some fucking magazine photo shoot.'

'If they try and do anything other than get drunk, stall them. This is our wedding and we wanna have sex,' Lexa was so authoritative that Clarke moaned softly in her ear because she wanted it. 'Ok then,' Lexa stood and turned, scooping Clarke into her strong arms.

'Have fun,' Raven laughed at them and Clarke waved over Lexa's shoulder, watching her friend take more pictures.

 **XOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO**

Lexa was impatient, demanding and in total control because she'd lost control. Used to being the instigator and the more dominant one in bed, Clarke was loving every second of her wife's loss of control to her rampant desire. They were a mess on the bed, kissing heatedly as Lexa tried to shove the skirt of her dress up.

'Pull it up before I tear it,' she ordered and Clarke flushed with arousal at the tone, gathering her skirts and pulling them up and around her waist. Lexa was lowering her head underneath them in less than half a second, her hot mouth burning around her clit even though her sexy lace underwear was in the way. 'This is so fucking hot,' Lexa moaned into lace and Clarke felt her body tremble. 'Fuck,' then Lexa's fingers were tugging them down and peeling them off. Clarke widened her legs instinctively, hips rising in anticipation of Lexa's mouth, which found her wet heat moments later. It was a lot like their first time. Lexa had been crazy for her then, had kissed and licked with such abandon and enthusiasm that Clarke had been a stuttering mess. This was no different. Her mouth was eager, sucking, licking, tongue swiping at her clit, then surging inside of her. She didn't know what to expect. There was no rhythm, no technique per say, just her wife's utter desperation to taste her, smell her, be close to her, to push her tongue into her then suck parts of her into her mouth.

' _Lexa_ ,' she cried out her name as Lexa pressed her lips around her clit, before surging down to thrust her tongue back inside of her, hands squeezing at her thighs, at her ass, not holding her steady but helping her thrust closer to her face. She felt a smile against her skin and then two fingers slid inside of her and Lexa moved her mouth back to her clit, sealing it around the sensitive bundle. Her tongue toyed with it and her fingers thrust as erratically as her hips were moving against the bed, but they were so skilled, so long and able to reach where she needed them that she was screaming Lexa's name as her body locked those digits inside of her and she pulsed around them, coming spectacularly in a ridiculously short amount of time. Marriage turned her on it seemed. Or Lexa. Definitely Lexa. A whimper from her wife pulled her out of her post-megaorgasmic haze.

'Clarke _please_ ,' Lexa looked up at her, eyes dark, mouth covered with her come and she knew what she was asking.

'Take them off,' she nodded and giggled because she'd never seen Lexa undress so quickly, sliding the suspended straps from her shoulders and dropping her pants and underwear, before crawling back to her and clamping their mouths together. Clarke mewled at the taste of herself on Lexa's lips. But it was the taste of Lexa she really wanted. 'Up,' she broke the kiss.

'Up?'

'Sit on my face,' she told her wife who immediately flushed and started to scramble eagerly up her body, which was so cute and funny that the first thing she did was giggle into her delicious wet warmth.

'That's not kind,' Lexa met her eyes with faux indignation. Clarke responded by attacking her clit with her tongue and Lexa's head dropped back. 'Fuck that's more than kind,' she moaned, and her hips thrust forward. Clarke's hands found her hips to help her move but not too much, as she sucked and licked, thumbs swooping circles on her lean thighs. She loved Lexa on her face. Loved how she always lost control and needed her hands to hold her and stop her thrusting into her face too hard. Loved how loud she became, how she swore and leaned back to caress her breasts, not for her pleasure, but because Lexa found her boobs such a turn on that playing with them made her come harder. And Lexa, she was gonna come fucking hard because she was wet and needy, and she'd already lost control, swearing, whimpering and tugging on Clarke's nipples, while palming her breasts through the bodice of her wedding dress.

'Fuck, fucking goddamn, Clarke...' Lexa wailed as she broke free of Clarke's hands and drove down onto her face as she came, wet flooding over Clarke's face as she gave herself over to the feel of Lexa bearing down hard on top of her mouth, hips shaking.

'Baby,' she mumbled into her soft folds and Lexa shook, 'can't breathe,' she mumbled and poked her with her tongue. Lexa moaned but lifted.

'Fuck, I'm sorry.'

'Don't be. I loved that you did that. God I'm so turned on by it,' she told her truthfully as Lexa shimmied down her and curled into her side before collapsing in a heap of languid limbs.

'Yeah? I didn't hurt you?'

'You mean when your soft, gorgeous lady parts crashed into my mouth as you came all over my face?' she smirked and Lexa kissed her.

'Lady parts Clarke? Really?' Lexa teased, nuzzling her neck.

'Well it's a bit of a mouthful to say vagina and vulva, don't cha think? And not all that sexy.'

'Is cunt too crass?' Lexa squinted.

'For our wedding day, I think so,' she bit her lip.

'Pussy?'

'Whatever we call it, the result is the same. I love you pressed tight into my mouth and feeling you lose control. If we didn't have cake to cut and speeches to give I'd want more sex.'

'Yeah?' Lexa's beautiful bright smile was everything in that moment.

'Yeah.'

'I'm so, so happy we're married Clarke.'

'Me too. But...'

'But?' The smile fell from Lexa's face.

'Don't be insane Lexa. Not that kind of but. Never that kinda but. It's a but we aught to clean ourselves up so we're not sparkling like some goddamned vampires in the rest of the wedding pictures,' she winked and Lexa flushed before giggling, a sweet and magical sound,

'Yeah, ok,' she pushed Clarke's skirts down, 'you don't need to put that sexy thong back on, right?'

'No,' she grinned as Lexa jumped off the bed and grabbed her underwear from the floor before stuffing it in her pants pocket when she'd pulled them on.

'Very romantic,' she stood and flounced out her skirt, watching Lexa kneel to straighten them, before standing and allowing her to straighten the suspenders and tie for her.

'Well I try to be romantic, you know?' Lexa pressed a kiss to her lips. 'Ok, wet wash cloth, make up and cake.'

'Hmm I'm hungry!'

'But you just ate,' Lexa gave her a shit eating grin.

'Very well sweetie, but I want my cake.'

'Come on then Dr. Woods.'

'Ok Mrs. Griffin.'


End file.
